05.55

Seven more hours and I’ll be liveblogging all the important details, the character arcs, the hilarious jokes, and going on complete tangents when I forget what I’m meant to be doing.

12.09

There are still tickets on the door for the spectacular FIRST EPISODE, so if you’re local, make your way to The Kazimier right this instant!

Sure it’s sunny outside right now, but at any moment it might start hailing rapists – so you best get yourself safe and inside, with 30+ of the most talented improvised comedians in the hemisphere.

12.52

Come one, come all to the thing happening here indeed oh yes.

13.08

#Improvathon2012 only a few minutes to go… twitpic.com/8rfh4w

— Lee Isserow (@Lee_Isserow) March 3, 2012

13.32

And the first episode begins…

We meet our characters:

Jenna Cydal – A Jerry  Springer type.  Seems to be keen on her security staff beating people into a pulp

Cameron Action - A show-maker. Not necessarily a good one.  Seems obsessed by women taking their clothes off… but who isn’t…

Sofie Grobel - Danish TV star. Formerly of ‘The Killing’, but wasn’t ported over to the US version, so is now a clapper girl.

Krom - The most loved action star on TV. Cameron Action is due to direct his new show.

Michael Lovewater – An American, and a medium. Although I think he can fit a small.

Dean John-Mustard – Direct descendant of Colonel Mustard. Wants to be a talent agent.

Mixed Grill - Rapper. “I’m like sausage; mostly protein!”  I didn’t hear what else he said because of the ho’s whooping.

Babs Le Garsh - A broadcaster for almost 30 years. Lovely on-screen presence, but seems like she could turn on you like a bear on a spinning jenny.

Fred Kettlefish - Weather presenter, of the old school camp-sweater-wearing-man variety.  Not the hot-and-sexy-boobed type.  Unfortunately.

Ewan Yors - He may or may not be welsh. And also a continuity announcer.

Ken Ola - Canadian. A ‘farmer storyteller’ who has a show doing ‘farm makeovers’.

Harry Ola - Ken’s son, former bi-athelete who got hit by a truck.  Now he works with his father.

Aileen Quinn - American, former movie star, trying to get a job in ‘ye olde England’.

Polly Graph - A runner. It’s her first day. Has a mysterious past.

Hugh Briss - The most feared man at the studio.  He gets boos from the audience, but it’s ok, because he likes a tipple.

Isabelle End - The woman behind the man who is the most feared man in the studio. She runs the studio like a tight ship. But now I think about it, it has not got sails, so it is not likely to get anywhere fast.

Summer Knights - The star of the station, I think.

Sunny - Security guard. He is the security at the studio. Doing security. At the studio. As a security guard. Securitying. Securely. Yeah, that seems about right.

Candy Cummings - Former child porn star, at least I think that’s what I heard.  Also star of ‘home fitness VCRs’. Has a job interview today.

Ramsey Bourden - Scottish. A chef. Eats anything made of meat. Covers his dishes… and I think I heard this right… in ‘Rasberry Jews’.

Guy Tonight - Newscaster and man about town. Has his finger on the pulse of… the… uh… body?   Recently divorced. Someone’s trying to kill him.

Now that’s over and done with, it’s on with the show!

13.35

They sit across the desk from one another and he tells her that she’ll have to start at the bottom.  They have trouble communicating with all the stuff on his desk, and swiftly destroy the set.

He’s got her a job on Babestation, but she’ll have to audition – she’s prepared some Shakespeare.

13.39

The Olas get off their plane… and then swiftly return to the plane.

They’re turned about by the customs officer who takes their papers.  The custom officer Sofie Grobel, who in addition to being a clapper girl also has two other jobs.  This is being one.

She was also once a pet detective whilst also being in The Killing, and confused the two jobs, accidentally arrested a dog on set.

13.42

They are angry at him.  Hugh Briss isn’t a violent man, but luckily Isabelle End IS a violent man.  In a woman’s body, one assumes.

“Begging demeans us all, but I like it”

Briss wants Action to come up with better ideas for plots.  He suggests product placement; Walker’s Crisps, or Washy Washy Liquid.

Because liquids will always need to be washed.

13.48

Fred Kettlefish is on the Jenna Cydal show.

This scene starts with the phrase “Even shy people have babies, they must figure our a way”.

Fred learnt how to be a weatherman by pointing at things and saying what they were – just like real weathermen do.

Fred has trouble with women… to the point that he couldn’t get one to impregnate… so he had a baby with an imaginary woman… and it’s an imaginary baby also…

They’re going to do a DNA test on the baby… because the audience thinks the imaginary mother is a slutty slut slut.

And the father is…

…

…

Jack Frost!

Fred Kettlefish is aghast at the discovery that his child isn’t his, and refuses to do the weather on cold days.

13.50

They have to do the news and a cooking show at the same time.

It is hilarious, but you are missing it because YOU ARE NOT HERE.
Be here.  (Doors open for the next segment at 3).

Shock! Ramsey stole Guy’s wife!

13.54

He just wants to chat – but she threatens him…

So he makes her sit there.  And hen she poops herself.

Quality, mature, family-friendly entertainment here folks.

He may or may not have been responsible for the death of  a… um… rat?  Cat? Otter? GeneWilderbeast?  They haven’t been specific.

It’s a furry animal that fits in a ball.  I guess what kind of animal depends on how big the ball is.

Oh, it was a hamster.

Krom can’t pay for the session because he has no pockets – Lovewater damns him to HELL.  Or maybe just to be.. uh.. upsetting the dead.  I missed it because I was laughing at the GeneWilderbeast.

14.03

Isabelle and Ken meet in a bar accidentally.  He chats her up, spinning a yarn about his life. A yarn that spins bigger and wider.

“I’ve got a herd of cattle a mile long and mile wide – and that’s just one of them.”

They seem to be getting on swimmingly.

“I’ve got a one man show called ‘Rape’.”

Isabelle tries to tell a joke – Harry interrupts her, much to Ken’s aggravation.

Especially since she finds Harry more appealing than Ken…

14.07

Summer Knights comes to the studio to visit her ex-husband, continuity announcer Ewan Yors.

They argue – but he always seems to know what’s coming up next.

She threatens to have Sunny cut him into little pieces.

With his accent, “her indoors” sounds like “erring oars”, which is not a phrase that makes sense in English.

Back to the show – they have a touching reconciliation.

I think Summer’s character in Krom might be ‘The Titty Witch Queen”.  I imagine I misheard that.  Maybe.

14.14

Candy Cummings is having a cocktail, when her ex-husband Guy Tonight walks in to the bar.

“How are things with you and him?”
“He’s a little violent.”
“Dammit! I was never violent enough for you!”

She’s not happy with Ramsey, and needs a hand getting an audition.

“You have to stop letting people call you a dumb blonde.  You’re not even blond!”

They seem to be reconciling also.  Guy agrees to help her get an audition.

And then the threat of violence.

And… next scene.

14.21

Polly Graph comes to see Fred Kettlefish… while Fred is watching porn.

They make small talk – and it turns out Polly was in the porn!

She does ‘The aztec helicopter’

They decide to have a date… maybe…

14.23

Krom is being shitcanned from his show, to be replaced by Harry Ola.

He shows his acting skills via live sync-up from… somewhere else.

The scene was hilarious.

If I wasn’t also doing the greenscreen bits whilst blogging, I’d have probably covered that scene better….

14.26

Many other cast members appear and… party.

(I may or may not have missed the call for this scene.)

Grill has brought them all there for a preview of his new song “The Gibberish Rap”.

…

It was most definitely gibberish.

Isabelle confesses to Hugh that she’s fallen for Harry.  He does not approve, but she’s convinced she can make it work.

I got distracted, trying not to fall off my chair, so missed most of that scene.

It ended with sex, I think.

But in my mind, every scene ends with sex.

14.34

Ken meets Aileen. Somewhere.

He goes through the same motions he went through with Isabelle, spinning yarns, like a Rumplestiltskin made of lies.

Just as it seems everything is going great,  Harry walks in and ruins everything for him again.

Until… she invites both of them to join her… um… in a sexy way, maybe?

14.40

Candy went to see The agent guy…

But he was watching porn with Polly and Krom…

And it was on the greenscreen again…

So I failed to transcribe it accurately.

Also, grammatically speaking, sentences shouldn’t start with ‘and’ or ‘but’ – because doing so leaves us one step away from the damn, dirty apes.

Ewan sees Sunny to stop him make-sex-having with his wife…

There were some great jokes, but I forgot to write them, because I’ve run out of excuses for bad blogging.

14.46

Her wage.  That’s it.  She wants more money, because she’s been on the same wage for the last 22 years.

Hugh has also never had a wage increase – but he has had bonuses.

Whores and diamonds are great bonuses, as is cake.

You know who should get bonuseses?  Live bloggers, that’s the fuck who.

Meanwhile, Hugh offers her performance related pay – based on each extra viewer to her show.

14.51

Guy Tonight tries to present the news, but each story seems to be releated to his relationship.

Another greenscreen scene!  I missed it all!

“The top story today… what is love, how come it hurts!”

And that’s it for episode one!

See you in 15 minutes for EPISODE TWO!

15.14

Episode Two: the plot thickens.

(Or at the very least begins to establish itself.)

This episode brings us a new character:  Jay Kif – a kids TV host person.

Where will this episode take us?  Uh… Nobody knows.

15.35

Isabelle and Harry have just made mad, crazy, sweaty sexlove… and now struggle for things to talk about.

Or they would… if he wasn’t not on stage.

The butler appears:

“Would you like me to hose down the lounge again?”

And then Harry reappears.

They decide to keep their illicit penetrative rendezvous a secret.

Isabelle revels in the tale Harry told her about the lamb he once raised.

“The mother died… when we had to eat her.”

It turns out that Isabelle is married.  Or maybe isn’t. It’s ambiguous.

15.38

Krom, Aileen and Summer are all on there, and I am distracted doing other things…

Oh no!

Krom’s been taking Drug Class A!

Shock!

15.54

She gives him advice on becoming better at with-womens-make-fuck-doings.

What’s that you say?  A musical number?

A musical number about learning to get bettergood at womensexings?  Why yes!

15.56

Cameron Action pitches:  Woman on table.   Woman on Chair on Table.

The first is not accepted, and The Health And Safety Fairy stops the second pitch.

Sofie is offered the final pitch – she sells the show Menagerie Of Animals, in which she solves crime with a hamster sidekick.

HAMSTER SIDEKICK.

15.57

… because she wants to make MONEY.  MOOOOONNNEEEEEYYYY.

Yes.

16.01

She and three other puppets bring a duck back to life… by murdering and eating it.

Yay!  Kids shows!

16.08

Krom and Kettlefish are talking about a thing.

Krom’s in love with Kettlefishes daughter!

Kettlefish forgot he had a daughter!

They’re at The Shere Khan Cafe and are eating Meat!

Mmmm, meat.

“Rain:  It’s like the tears of the sky”

16.09

Breaking news!

The station is being accused of something by the Levinsonsonsons Enquiry.

Inquiry?

EnInquniry?

InEnqunireeeey?

Fuck it.  It’s over already.

Harry seems to be helping his dad fuck Candy.

Candy is married, but so is Ken, which I’m pretty sure is like a marriage double-negative.

Candy thinks they’re just after sexshaggings and leaves.

“I’m sorry dad.”
“That’s ok, I guess I’m just not meant to be with a woman other than your mother…”

16.19

Agent guy tries to sign Mixed Grill because between a chef saying ‘cunt’ before the watershed and a duck being murdered on kids tv, he’s running out of things what with why when where who why.

Dean John (agent’s name – discovered after finding my notes) cannot understand a single thing Grill is saying.

Grill is upset, thinking John is ‘making a mock’ of him.

He wants Mixed Grill to present the Ola’s show, and rebrand it ‘Pimp My Ranch’.

16.27

Isabelle and Polly are talking about the sex they’ve had – because high flying executives and lowly former porn stars always discuss these things.
Or at least I try to discuss these things with high flying executives… and then they have calls to make. Or other places to be.  Or call the police.

And so the description of a hideous sexual act begins.  It involves pretending to be a farm animal, and digging holes in the ground.

Moving on from that, and trying to type around an erection, Isabelle offers Polly a job on her very own show.

“The show is called ‘Pamela at sea‘ – you are going to be a boat, people come on you and you get them tea and read them notes.”

Oh, other plot point that I missed out in the last news scene:

Scotland has invaded England!

16.33

I think he fucked up on continuity announcing.

The Antiques Roadshow is apparently not “A sexy romp with lovely girls and their bits.”

Ewan’s given one last chance.  If he fucks up, he’s… uh… fired?  I don’t know, either they were being ambiguous, or I’m getting distracted again.

Why am I distracted, you ask?  Because now I’m making SHOW TITLES on the fly!

Like this:

breaking news

And also this:

Krom titles

16.36

Harry Ola is reading a scene fro mthe new Krom script, along with Aileen Thingading.

He kills things with his ‘furious blade’.

The only way he can save the alien princess is if he kisses her…. but he can’t… and then…

He can!  And she’s saved!

Yay!

16.41

Musical fire drill!

Sunny has lit one of the rooms on fire, just to make it authentic.

The studio may or may not have burnt to the ground…

Find out in 15 minutes in PART THREE!

Episode Three: the plot boils.

(Or at least simmers.)

(Remember to stir…)

Nige – The second assistant props manager.

Oh yes, it doesn’t get any more exciting than this.

17.26

She wants to kiss him – he doesn’t want to kiss her hideous cold sore’d lips.  Which are like another face on her face.

17.34

She has problems working with her feelings for him and her business head. Which is kept on her executive shoulders, under her administrative hair.

“We’re not going to make your show, unless we decide to make your show.”

(I would know more about this scene if it wasn’t for making two more animated titles for Pimp My Ranch and Pamela On A Ship…)

17.37

Extra comedy is added by me creating this logo for the coffee shop:

She wants someone to make an opera about her… so Krom giver her Drug Class A to make it all better.

17.41

She mistakenly bought him butter knives.

FACT:  knives are like guns, but sharper.  Never try to stab anyone with a gun, it’s most ineffectual. And also, illegal.

I think Ramsey called Nige a ‘bear’. I don’t think she’s (he’s?) a bear.
Bears are hairier and made of claws and teeth.
And hair.

17.46

She is not happy at all.

And has a hat made of Danish Bacon.

Bacon gets a capital ‘B’, because it’s FUCKING BACON.

Summer does coke in the meeting.  Cameron is unsure as to the class of cocaine, he calls in Polly, who has a pharmacology degree.  She says that it is.

He doesn’t like Class A drugs – he only takes ‘Class *’ drugs.   And offers her some.

She may or may not have overdosed on Class*.

17.49

Michael Lovewater psychics on The Bab’s Talking To People Show.

He convinces the audience that he should have his own show.  His evil plan is working.

We know it’s an evil plan because he has a soliloquy about it.  Out loud.

17.51

Commerical break – It’s an ad for Kay Eff Cee

“Kay Eff Cee.  So good, even chickens love it.”

Or something…

17.52

Is it Guy Tonight?

Maybe. I can’t see over the top of my screen.

Babs is going to prison!  And Michael is taking over her show!

Together, they realise something something.

And maybe they kiss.  I dunno, I was distracted.

17.59

She wanted to talk to them about her role being taken away.

But they keep makeloveshagging whilst she tries to explain her problem.

Isabelle may or may not have agreed to Sofie getting the role back….

18.02

Candy Cummings has been given the job of Guy Tonight’s co-host.

That’s right:  he’s forced to work with his ex-wife!

Breaking news:

The president of Wales has brought in Sharia Law.

VW Polos are just £2.

That may or may not have been all the news.

18.10

Uh.

It’s Dean John. He’s taking it.

The first scene.  It’s with salmon farmers.
What we learn:
Acting is about winning.  And you can win if you kill off the other characters.

The second scene.  It’s with salmon farmers.
What we learn:
Not knowing is important to acting, and blindness is like visual not-knowing.

The third scene. It’s with salmon farmers.
What we learn:
Brothers and sisters don’t have to be related. Nor do they have to be gender specific.
Also:  Lesbians are hot, but lesbians with  glowing ET fingersare hotter.

Jenna and Fred are enjoying some milkuccinos, and Jenna encourages Fred to have more children.  Many more children.

Fred is suddenly falling madly in love with Jenna, who may or may not have meant to imply she should be his baby momma.

If they had a baby it’d be Infant Cydal.

Or Sue Cydal.

Anyway, they’re going off to shag.

18.17

Sofie reveals to Summer that she’s making the same show… which means the station is making the same show… twice.

“Two version of the same show; like, a Danish version that’s the original, and an American version that’s much, much better.”

They’re now celebrating Danish things:

“Danish Bacon, that’s Danish, isn’t it?”
“French Toast! That’s Danish too, right?”
“Belgian Waffles!”
“Sushi!”

Everyone is friendly again at the end.  Maybe.

Wait, three people.

Ummm.

Hugh Balls Briss and Isabelle End reprimand Jay Kif for murdering a duck on live television.

They call ‘management’, who tells them to publicly humiliate Jay as they fire her.

This might be turning into a musical number.

(Yes. It did.)

Because as we all know; drugs are always the answer.

Another terrifying overdose scene occhurpens.

Which is like occurring and happening.  But on drugs.

18.33

Oh, it’s Harry.

He’s going to help her make everything feel better.

They’ve apparently given her puppet “Dr. Beethoven” his own show… but she’s not there to operate him.
So, I guess the show is just a puppet lying lifeless on the ground.
Which, frankly, is better than most kids TV.

Oh, wait, there’s plot happening still.

It turns out both Thing1 and Thing2 are former bi-atheletes.
Which… means… they have sex with both genders whilst participating in sports?

(I really should listen to what’s *actually* going on.)

They’re going to help each other bi-athle. Is that the verb for participating in bi-atheleticisms?

Fuck it. I don’t care.

Setting off explosives in a commercial office space is apparently approved of at Channel 33.5.

That’s meant to read 33.5

Not 33.5.

I don’t think ‘point’ numbers have ‘point’ numbers of their own.  I don’t even know what the fuckspunker those pointed-point numbers are.

Cocksplit it, there’s still plot to be charting:

Something about words not hurting, but sticks being sharp.

That might not have been important to the narrative.

Jay Kiff goes back to the office of the two people who where when where then fired here did do just what where moments and/or minutes ago indeed yes.

Makewordings be do not good with also saying some things of do be make sense.

Yes.

She shouts at them. With her facevoice.  It’s real loud. If you were real close.

And decided to misplace the ‘ly’ of ‘really’. Twice.

The whole cast assembles to watch her shout at the producery analbelchtarts.

She’s destroying them with her words…

And…

Then…

Dr. Beethoven appears…

And declares:

“Kill Them! Kill Them All!!!”

With lots of unnecessary capitals and exclamation marks.  Because it’s THAT emphatic.

15 minutes ’til episode 4 – make your cumgargling way the fuck down to The Kazimier before it kicks the fuck off!!

19.10

Episode Four: Amazing things happen.

(Maybe. Probably. Yes.)

19.19

I am eating

FOOD.

Oh, and there are now there are also some scenes. From the show. That is happening now.

That you are missing.

Because you have a stupid face made of laziness and slovenessness and… … other synonyms.

19.26

It seems Hugh and Isabelle did not die.  Probably for the best, seeing as there’s another 14 episodes of this motherspunker to go.

So, without further ado…

Um. Here we… go?

19.30

Hugh Manitarian – Drunk war correspondant

Isn’t someone else called Hugh?  With just under 30 hours to go this is going to get fucking confusing.

19.38

 ”I was having a wonderful time, laughing and hugging, while apparently sleeping and having a nightmare!”

She and Ken laugh and laugh and sing and laugh.

And then Ken has to stand on a stool so he can be on eye-level with her.

They’re in love!

They’re going to move to canada together!

After… they shoot an entire series of the Pimp My Ranch show….

19.40

Fred.

And… uh… Hugh.

The first Hugh, not the second one.

Fred has a new look, but Hugh is too busy trying to call Isabelle to notice.

He lets Fred do the weather again.

(Could he not do the weather before? No idea…)

19.47

Harry walks in whilst the session goes on.  It’s a little kinky for his liking.

Maybe because meditation doesn’t usually involve fingerbanging.

“He was touching my chakra”
“Which chakra?”
“Uh… My vagina?”

Yes.  That is a chakra.  At least that’s what I tell my massage clients.

MUSICAL NUMBER

About… mothers.  Evil mothers.   That possess their sons and make them do evil things.

Michael doesn’t want to be a medium any more.  He wants to be… a regular.

19.51

People in a place doing a thing.

Ewan and Summer talk about their problems.

Cameron intervenes and directs their argument.  Because he’s a director.  That’s what we do.

He does this by making them turn a table upside-down and walk around it.

19.55

Hugh Manitarian and Jenna somethingthing talk in a place about whateverness.

Hugh is….

“Peppered with a newsbaby and has to give birth to it live on national television.”

Also…

“It’s catheter central at The Manitarian house.”

Manitarian can’t let news go… he has to leave Jenna to follow the news…

“Jenna, I’m going out for a war.  I may be some time.”

A SCENE FROM KROM

“Krom! Will you fight the cave alone?  For it is strong, and made of rock!”

He tries to fight the cave, but it’s owner stands in his way, with the mortgage and deed in his hand.

Also, the cave-owner’s lawyer is there, and he backs up his claim of not-cave-fighting.

But Krom has the Horn Of Many Lawyer.

The lawyer is defeated, because Krom’s horn brought forth two lawyers, and two lawyers beats one lawyer.

Because law is mostly about mathematics.

20.04

Hugh Whoopdeedoo is still trying to get hold of Isabelle.  Ken comes in and tries to talk to him about…  I’m going to guess it’s about cannoli.

…

…..

I was wrong, it’s about Isabelle.  And Pimp My Ranch.

They’re arguing.

“If you want me to back up, I’ll back up.”
“I want you to back up.”
“I’m not going to back up.”
“You just said you would.”
“That’s what we do in Canada.”
“Show me how…”
“You’re an awesome guy.”
“Thank you.”
“Prick.”

Yes indeed.

20.12

The explanations make less sense than the words.

Also:

Mixed Crill was the inventor of The Caravan.  And also shoes.

He’s also Dean John’s father…

20.21

And you missed it all – because I had to make a gazillion changes and titles for the live greenscreen feed.

YOU MISSED IT.

ALL.

AND IT WAS BRILLIANT.

I WAS BRILLIANT.

Babs and Jenna talk about a thing in a place.

About Hugh leaving.  Hugh Manitarian, not the other one.

They do this while eating chicken wings.  Because friend chicken is the best way to comfort a recently abandoned woman.”

“He comes in, eats dinner, goes to bed, and pisses himself.”

They two women hold each other close… very close… and.. and…

MUSICAL NUMBER

About… love?

20.31

Hugh Briss calls Dean John in to talk about some Mixed Bizness lyrics that got out to the public.

Words are said. Harsh words.

With consonants.

HARD consonants.

Hugh is happy to forget about Dean’s leak of the lyrics – because he looks street… urban… and … might be a new rap sensation.

20.38

She’s pitching a show “Aileen: what happened?”

However, while they’re trying to talk about the show, they’re both receiving hilarious texts (also some sexts?) from their lovers.

Isabelle has heard a tale about Canada.

A MUSICAL tale.

20.44

“TNT: Totally Neat Tea”

She and Ramsey manage to bamboozle Sunny by feeding him Class*.

Class*…  which Ramsey cooks up in his kitchen!

20.51

Polly and Fred meet up in a place at a time.

And… love… blossoms… IN A MUSICAL NUMBER!

We’re back in 15 minutes – get yourselves the fuck down to The Kazimier before 9pm and we rock out the FIFTH EPISODE!

Episode FIVE: Stuff happens!

(Whoopdeedoo!)

21.21

Mixed Grill, and his son Dean John, are now the rapping duo Mixed Grill & Pork Chops.

How long that idea will last is anyone’s guess…

Oh look!  It’s the directors:

21.27

Danny Meltdown – rap superstar… or something. Cousin of the Olas.

I smell a rap battle on the horizon.

It smells like sweat.  Rhythmical, rhymical sweat.

21.33

“I like my women like I like my coffee:  not shot to bits by rebel militias.”

21.35

Christian End – Isabelle Ends’s’s’s’s brither.  And also her brother.  Depending on whether you’re all about ‘using the correct vowels’ in words, like some kind of communist monkey rapist.

Isabelle and Ken are in bed again.

She is having a nightmare. Again.

Doctor Ultracockney calls her to tell her Sunny the Securityguard is in a coma.

Jokes were had.  I was distracted.

21.48

We’re at the Test Pattern Bar, where Polly and Candy are drinking, when Dean John, or ‘Pork Chop’ comes in talking street.

Not “Road, traffic cone, pelican crossing, cars”.

No. Wrong kind of ‘street’.

21.53

Hugh and Isabelle visit thingawhoopedooop in the hospital.

He is in a coma.

They are trying to negotiate not paying him.

He is in a coma.

Negotiations are not going well.

Especially since I got distracted and started making a wookie run around on the animated background….

21.57

Harry meets Candy on the street – she\s damaged her ankle on a cobbled street.

He saves the day.  By serenading it… and… making it… worse?

Oh no!  Aileen walks in on them!!

Wait – how do you ‘walk in on’ people in the street.

Fuckshitter. Grammer and sense-making be damned, we’re going to continue the live blog without questioning this shit.

22.01

Christian tells him of the woes with his sister – Ken tells about his fucktastic cuntthumpings with his woman… who happens to be Christian’s sister.

“Your sister’s the fire, and I’m putting my log in her.”

22.05

She freaks the spunkittyfuck out.

(And no; spunkittyfuck has NOTHING to do with cats.)
(Although, it is totally about kittens.)

Sofie, Summer and Cameron are in the same place somewhere.

Writers room. That’s where.

Pitching a thing. A story. Yes.

“I know three things about Denmark:

Pastries.
Smoked Haddock
They speak Spanish.”

Sofie tells a tragic story about a woman who falls in love with a baker, but cannot be with him because she is a celiac, and eating his creations will make her face explode.

It’s like Pushing Daisies, but with inside out death and tragedyness. Yes.

22.25

Lovewater goes inside Sunny’s head while he’s in a coma.

This scene was fucking spectacular, and words cannot exclaim it.

But you missed the entire fucking thing due to NOT BEING THE CUNTSTICK HERE.

Let that be a lesson to you.

22.29

Oh, and Sunny is awake again.

Now: Krom and Grill are rapping… and then Danny Meltdown appears.

They are all fucktastic… but Grill has MAD skills, and proceeds to teach the others how to rap gibberishly.

22.34

Ken is being violently sick.  Isabelle is angry that he’s told so many people – especially her brother – the intimate details of their fuckdoings.

“It’s not just a beaver – it’s a beaver breaking a clam with it’s massive penis!”

Yes. Yes it is.

Musical number in which one of the singers is an indecipherable drunk?  Why of course!

And now the not-drunk is drunk, and the drunk is not-drunk?

Yes.

22.45

Musical number!

Featuring a member from the audience who may or may not have interrupted the show as this episode began…

And that’s it for Episode… whatever number.

See you (be read by you?) in 15 minutes.

Remember – we might be packed, but we’ll find space for you, so

COME TO THE WHOREBANGING KAZIMIER!

*********

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Do you find you have fond memories of Disney movies, and want them ripped to shreds by

HUMOR?

Well you’ll love my Disney Deconstructions.

Go read them now! Or later!

COMMERCIAL… UH… FIXED?

23.10

Episode Sex Six: Revenge of the Stuff!

(Hazzah! Hurrah! Huzzrrah!)

23.29

New character!

Who could it be!?!?

IT’S LOUIE ARMSTRONG!

23.42

We’re back at MelloMello, where Aileen and Polly meet and talk about a stuffs of things.

Polly has brought her flowers a letter from Harry, who is apologizing for touching Candy in places.

He has arranged to meet her on a bridge.  In his hat. And his gloves.

The bridge won’t be in the hat and gloves – he’ll be in the hat and gloves.  In case that was not made clear.  By the words. That I wrote.

23.53

Everyone is discussing casting of GLUTARD – the movie and/or TV show about the baker and the woman who loves him but cannot put his doughy delights in her mouth.

No euphemism intended.

Isabelle and Hugh are excited by Cameron’s passion.

And so they sing.

And also, I just realised my hands are bright green.

And also, a MUSICAL NUMBER about celiacs and other things.

23.58

Will they?  Will they?

Will I have forgotten to mention that Candy is played by a man?

That’s right it’s a big gay kiss-off.

“Open your hear hole and get ready for my word-boners!”

Harry finally recognizes Candy from her porn days.

“I could never forget your face, Candy, sweet facecandy.”

00.02

He does this by having mayonnaise poured directly into his mouth.

That’ll probably do it.

00.09

Ken and Isabelle meet and talk about the spark leaving their relationship.

… maybe…

(I may have missed the call)

Yeah, I think they’re breaking up.

…

Yup.

*sniff*

00.14

Am I in the know? No. No know here.

No no, no know. At all.

No.

Know.

Gno(me).

Indeed.

00.22

It’s another extract from KROM – this time it’s accompanied by the theme tune from Jurrasic Park.

Because that makes sense.

“You can defeat the lizard heads, but you don’t have what it takes to defeat me and my duck!”

But he does defeat him.  Easily.

Another beast appears!

Krom uses The Horn Of Lawyers – but it can’t help, the beast has BAKERS!  And all lawyers are wheat intolerant!

He uses is sword! And kills it! With his sword!

“I am Krom! And now I will bathe in women.”

He is granted The String Of Truth to celebrate his victory.

00.28

The Ends Christian and Isabelle reconcile.

I got distracted, because I was making Chewbacca do a dance.

Not a euphemism.

Seriously.

He was on the screen.  Dancing.

OH NOES!  ISABELLE HATES THE STATION!

00.39

Fred is talking to women online.

They are on the greenscreen and that’s stopping me from putting proper words in here…

“The sun is a flasher, who puts his trenchcoat on at night”

00.40

Rap battle!!

Thingadung and Krom beat Mixed and Dean in a rap battle.

Yes.

00.45

It’s INNNER PROBE.

Guy Tonight interviews LOUIS ARMSTRONG, who is there to discuss his music and list the things he sees.

Cocksplittingly. Labiaconjoingly. Spectacular.

00.54

Ken and Harry talk about their women problems.

while…

Isabelle and Aileen talk about their men problems.

Yes.

They’re in separate places, but increasingly talking over the top of each other… and now singing a musical number about imagining things in one’s heart.

Ones heart?

One shart?

No idea.  We’re 12 hours into this thing and I can’t remember what words been any more.

Or mean also.

Mean like, description.  Not mean as in cruel.  Or the average.

None of those.

Wait, no. The first one. Yes.

The couples are in love with one another, and would tell each other, if they weren’t in separate locations.  But dancing together. In their imaginations.  But also not, because they are on stage.

This is all fact.

“I don’t know a lot of metaphors, but if I did, I would say we are all of them.”

Ken and Isabelle are back together and in love!

Harry and Ailienenene are in love and back together!

Yay!

Episode Fuckknows is on in 15 MINUTES.

Get the shit down to The Kazimier to enjoy it with your very own eyeballsacs!

!!

!

.

01.22

Episode Seven: The Rething of things!

(The point where only 30-ish audience members remain as we slip into the night)

01.48

It’s Mike Loxlong.

Locksalonk?

No idea.

He’s the sports news guy.

01.57

It’s a fucking massive plate:

They’re going to take revenge on someone, and also make ChopSpaz: The Movie to battle Glutard: The Movie for meat superiority over intolerance … uh… stuffs.

02.01

In a hitchcock-style scene, featuring the obligatory Hitchcock cameo.

“I’ll help you.  As long as there are no heights.  Or birds.”

She knows a secret.  A TERRIBLE secret.

02.07

Polly and Dean meet in front of the Dana Anderson Memorial Erotic Fountain.

They talk about… romance… and sexual tention.  And also sexual ‘tension’, which is entirely different because it is spelt correctly.

Polly is falling for thing. The guy.

What’s his name?

Dean.

Yes.

02.12

I don’t think Louis knows what Gluten is.

He keeps calling it “Glutair”, like it’s a wheat-based guitar.

He seems to be convincing her to junk the movie.  Or make a new idea, from outside of her head.

“I like mind skiing with you.”

Don’t we all.

02.16

Oxlong.

Longlong?

Whatever. It’s him – the new guy.

Ken, Christian, Jenna, Nige and Isabelle are there.

Longschlong gives them drinks served from straw hats.  Which is how the best drinks are served.  The leaky-hole-bits ferment alcohol by way of science.

“Build me a film.  People have to build films, right?”

02.23

Hugh and Hugh (not at all confusing, right?) sit down and talk about…. war?

I think Hugh has PTSD. Maybe also PTA, PTO, PMS, PDSA, PDA and POBOX.

Hugh is going to save the day for Hugh.

They’re going to have a telethon. Hugh wants Hugh to wear sunglasses whilst doing so.

“These are the eyes of a mimsy!”

Hugh makes Hugh do one last special report  -  he’s only two days from retirement… what could possibly go wrong?

Hugh dons the glasses.  Oh yes.

02.29

BREAKING NEWS.

Something in Wales.

An asteroid’s heading for earth.

And… other things.

(I got distracted animating things on the livescreen…)

02.33

She ends up not fixing the computer – but fixing him instead.

Oh. Yes.

Fred vows to help Nige get her real name back.

Which she lost in a game of pool.

02.40

Krom and other men played games.   I tried to draw a game and its characters so it could be on the screen, but ran out of time.

I think the scene started getting gay, and then stopped being gay and became straight.  With gay undertones.

02.42

They take Class* and go on a crazy trip that ended faster than I could type… and that’s pretty fucking fast, if I do say so myself.

Which I totally just did.

02.53

Harry and Oblongschlong are the only two left at the party that seems like it started MONTHS AGO.

Mike (Schlongadong) is wearing a jacket that is made out of a woman’s skirt.

Shabonkadonk seems to know that Harry has made love to many a women.  He is curious, because he’s never been in love.

Harry helps send him in the right direction – helps him find himself. He’s over that way.  Over there. Yup.

Mike gave his shoes away. To a tramp.  Because he is the most compassionate person in the world.

“Let’s go find that tramp and steal your shoes back!”

And we’re back in 15 minutes!!!

03.26

Episode Eight: The RE-AUDIENCING!

(Like, 40 people are here now! At 330am!)

03.33

It’s Cary Grant!

03.39

Dead baby in a box!

And… a flashback… that made no sense…

Yay!

03.46

It’s hilarious!

And needs me to play on the greenscreen! So I couldn’t blog!

It was AWESOME and not at all made of fire ants.

03.47

It. Is fucking. Mental.

03.55

That’s not a joke, that’s the start of a scene.

But the scene will have jokes!  Yay!

Cary Grant seduces women by putting straws up their noses.  FACE.

Also, FACT.

Cary Grant seems to be in an entirely different show, set on an entirely different planet, where all the men are dead, and he has to repopulate the planet.  With his penis.

03.59

They end up in a bar full of Liverpudlians.  They are talking sport, possibly football. I honestly couldn’t tell you.

MUSICAL NUMBER!  About needing a name…

Who did she lose her name to…?

ISABELLE END!!!!

And also:

!!!!!!!!!!

And:

!

04.02

Babs is in full blackmailing mode, and is about to give Hugh Briss his comeupapapapance.  Cumpumpus? Comeunpass? Compass?  Comeuppance.

That. Indeed.

Briss taught Babs how to ‘speak proper’, how to ‘keep her mouth shat’, and also ‘keep her mouth shut‘, and also not reveal secrets about… MURDER.

Hugh tries to bargain with her.

And he may have succeeded.

Maybe.

May? Be.

04.08

Polly Graph and Dean John are on thier first date.

At The Museum Of Blasphemous Statues.

Masturbating baby Jesus. Fingering Jesus, Blowjob Jesus.

Do I need to say more?

04.15

Krom and Other Raper Guy are playing The Krom Video Game, when they are sucked into the TV, just like in the documentary Stay Tuned.

They are given a mission by a centaur.

Krom cums in his pants.

Should they rescue maidens, or just blow shit up?

The latter.  Duh.

04.16

They want to go swimming, but she only has one set of scuba gear – luckily, Louis can breath under water.

He is upset that she said Cary Grant was “Like a strudel in a suit”

She vows never to see him again.

04.23

Christian tells Hugh that Isabelle isn’t in love with him – she’s in love with KEN.

The two men seem to be getting along.

“You’ve got the spunk of your father in you.”
“It was a complicated relationship, that’s why I’ve been locked in an air duct”

They show concern for Isabelle:

“Why does she run like that?”
“Because when you have legs that long, you have to keep moving, or people mistake you for an oil rig.

And then agree about something.

04.27

Science: Orientals have their hands tied into little balls as children.

NOT: ‘tied to little balls OF children.”  Very different indeed.

04.30

Is it hot or is it cold?

What is ‘it’?

I do not know. No I do not know.

knownoknownowknownowknownkownokwnownkonownowonwknonnonwnnnw.

That is correctiudinal and entirely factually actacurate.

04.40

Krom captures a rhinoctopus!

04.50

Jenna, Aileen and Jenna.  Wait, no.  Other woman. Isabelle.

Yes.

They discover where all the corpses came from.

“We had a party in a funeral house, and brought them all back.  Like Weekend at Bernie’s.”

MUSICAL NUMBER.

About dancing corpses.

Dead people need to dance too, yo.

15 minutes ’til the next episode!

05.20

Episode NINE: Still alive!

(And the plot’s still going on…!)

“Ken And Harry In The Morning”

Hugh tries to promote his telethon.

Clint Eastwood calls in, and agrees to participate… after he plugs his daughter’s new reality show….

05.49

Another acting class…

The scenes are… about Salmon farming again…

Louis is mime-trapped under the ice, because he thought he could swim through frozen water.

(Focussing is becoming an issue.  I might have to forgo looking at the screen for this blog post, in the hope I can see propergoodbetteryes)

05.55

Back in the videogame, Krom and otherguy find The White Whitchetitcheditch of Whitcheditchyness.

She wants gold.

They give her gold.

WRONG GOLD!

They kill her.

Hilarity ensues.

But then OtherGuy dies. It is sad.

OtheyGuy is a shit name for a superhero.
Much worse than me pitch that Fox recently rejected.  They said they wanted edgy. They said they wanted superheroes.
I tried to sell them “Special Ed” – the adventures of a mentally retarded superhero.
They told me it wasn’t “exciting” enough.
Perhaps they were right… most of the pilot was spent watching Special Ed try to tie his shoelaces while he licked gravel and rubbed mustard on a daffodil.
Oh well, back to the drawing board.

06.03

Polly meets Ken by the dock.

They talk about fishing.

And then Ken invites her to dinner.  After he has a big poop.

Because it’s all about mature, smart comedy.

At least we’ve forgotten everyone used to be in porn.

06.10

Hugh Manitarian finds himself breaking up with Jenna for good.

I thought they did this already?

Never mind, it’s still fucking hilarious.

Oh my….

His name isn’t Hugh Manitarian – it’s Hugh… somethingelse.

I probably should have listened.

06.15

I don’t have brainds.

There are lots of Wookies in this show.  Wait, that’s my fault.

Candy Cummings is but naked… butt naked. And about to cover herself in baby oil.

That’s what was said, I couldn’t see because everything is blurry.  Like your mom.

PILLOWFIGHT!

06.19

Louis Armstrong is now fronting the news.

He calls up President Bababarang.  Not for any news reasons – he just wanted to say hi.

Also, all news is cancelled.

06.28

Mike Oblonkahonkytonk has been fired, because sports are now not happening anywhen or anywhere.

Harry helps him through it. With his words.

Sounds like there might have been a car accident outside!  Yay! Exciting!

AND WE’RE HALF-WAY THROUGH!!!

06.33

Michael talks to Isabelle about the good and bad things that are happening in her life.

They lead up to the pool game in which Nige lost her name.

“She was a stranger.  A stranger I had seen many times before!”

SHOCK:

Isabelle (now ‘Isabella’?) was originally called ‘nige’ before the name-switch!

06.44

Christian promises Sofie that he won’t steal all her ideas and/or replace thin characters with fat characters – because those two things are the most important things to consider when selling a concept.

She decides nobody wants to watch television – especially on Channel 33.5.  She wants to solve crime.

SPACE CRIME.

OK, not space crime. I’m just trying to callback to last year’s Quantum Leap spin-offs.

This year I’m done with Quantum Leap spin-offs.  Now I’m pitching Buck Rogers re-imaginings, like this one:

Buck Rogers In Your Face: an hourlong in which a camera is kept super-close to Gil Gerrard while he’s held down and forced to count the alphabet backwards.

Buck Rogers In The 25th Scent-Tree:  Game show in which Gil Gerrard is buried inside a hollowed-out tree, which is then filled with potpourri, as are 24 other trees.  His family must then find him before he dies.  Unless he learns how to breath dried flowers.

Buck Rogers In The 25th Cemetery:  Similar to the above, but with a larger search radius. And more exhumations required for the setup.

Wait, what was I meant to be doing?

06.45

Krom escapes the game and does something else.

Fred continues to help Nige get her name back.

I missed everything else, because I was thinking about

SPACE CRIME!

06.52

PROTEST!

The entire cast supports Mike’s attempt to keep his job.

Clint Eastwood makes a speech:

“If there’s one thing Nelson Mandela proves, it’s that the penal system works. He was locked up for 25 years and never re-offended.”
“What’s a penal system?”

Isabelle gives Mike his job back.  And sports are saved!

It’s the end of episode sextyfucklots.  We’ll be back in 15 minutes for Episode Cuntyballtwist.

07.26

Episode TEN:

FUCKCOCKSWITHSTICKS!

(We’re over half-way through! Yay!)

07.28

(I think that’s what I heard. But I’m also still seeing the gay dog that totally isn’t still here.)

I have NO WHOREBAGGING IDEA what his deal is.

07.33

Oh look – Louis Armstrong has fucked off, and Sunny The Security Guard is BACK.

With GUNS.

07.37

It’s…

JIMMY STEWART!

07.46

Back to the protest.

Having won the sports issue, the protestors now need a reason to rebel.

They need a slogan.  The new guy, who I’m certain has a name, leads the charge.

Together they come up with the perfect slogan:

“Nothing says ‘fuck you’ like apple pie.”

07.49

Sunny goes to see Hugh about his re-hiring.

In the style of a tense police drama, they do a thing and talk with words that are of and/or from the English language.

Sentences are formed, grammar is utilised, punctuation is adhered to.

Sunny’s afraid.  He doesn’t want to be stuck behind a desk.  (I don’t think anyone was offering to stick him to a desk, but never mind.)

Having been trapped in his head in a comathing, he is now claustrophobic.

He’s not going to be trapped behind anything.  He has 24 hours to solve a thing that was not specified.

And now… they’re on lockdown.

Yes.

07.53

With. Words.

They prepare to tell their secrets

On three…

One… two…

Wait, he doesn’t have a secret to tell.

She does though:  She slept with his son!

He knows and doesn’t care.

She has another secret!

When she was seven she dug a hole!

And found a chest!

And it contained….

THE DEVIL

Oh, wait, she was lying – she just doesn’t want to see him any more.

07.57

Summer says sad things to a flower.

Cameron passes by and sends silent something at somewhere with why what.

She sees him! And in silence…. they find love.

08.09

He begins to tell a ghost story…

… and … begins to fall asleep?

And then, the children start falling asleep one by one.

We’re 12/20 through the show!!!

08.20

Mike and Dean are in a staring contest

Oops. The greenscreen is needed….

Uh..

Mike wins.

08.25

Another scene happened, but I missed it.

Now:  Ken and Fred are in the supermarket, but can’t reach the beans.

They lament about their height-based problems.

08.28

Jenna, Nige and Polly are in The Manhole, doing musical shots.

They talk about men and sex, because that is all women ever talk about.

That and periods.

And replacing helicopter rotors.

Goddamn bitches never shut the fuck up about helicopter repairs.

08.31

Jimmy Stewart chatted up an audience member.  I think .

Now:  SPANISH SLEEPOVER!

The Spanish kids from earlier tell stories to each other.  In Spanish.

Nobody here speaks Spanish.  It is going very well.

08.33

They be gettin’ freaky.

08.36

Hugh, Isabelle are shouting at someone.

Is it about the protest?  Or the shows?

I have no idea anymore.

Uh.

I think Sherman Wood (?) might have been a childhood artist.

08.37

What?

No.  Nazi.   He was a fucking nazi.

I mean, I see how artists and nazis can be confused, but… no.

Not an artist.

A Nazi.

08.43

They are joined in the forest by Jimmy and his love.  Who also dance.

The first couple go of to make fucksexings.

The second… say words to each other.

Then Alfred Hitchcock walks past the screen… but that was entirely my fault.

08.45

Ken & Harry tie up some things.

Or… ramble about news that may or may not be relevant, and then about their feelings.

08.50

Krom and Michael sing a song about cleaning!

Yay!

And that’s the end of this nazi-unmasking, ballet-dancing, stare-contest-having, donkey raping segment.

We’ll be back in 15 minutes for

Episode Isanyonestillfukingcounting.

Episode ELEVEN:

Breakfast has been had

(Ready to rock your tits off with funny)

09.44

It’s Derek Morcomb.

He wears a labcoat and may or may not be a janitor or scientist.

A scientician custodian?  A custodial scientolofist?

No idea… I probably should have been listening.

09.47

ANOTHER new character – it’s Reggie Flamingo.

He has a terrifying fucking puppet on his hand.

Or is the puppet the character?

No fucking idea.  Again. I should listen bettergoodyes.

09.48

John. Motherfucking. Wayne.

Oh yes.

09.52

Backtrack – it’ll be John Wayne doing Mick Jagger.

An impression… or a one-man-playing-two-men sex act?

Only time will te…

09.57

The Ends meet in a restaurant that I have called “Place Of Eating Things”, and talk about their horrible childhoods.

Well. They don’t talk for long.. soon they’re singing about they’re torment.

Singysingysongsong.

Doopydooopydooo.

I’m paraphrasing.  They used actual words.

He shows her movies.  Then… doesn’t.

Suddenly, their eyes lock. On each other – not just in place – they’re looking at each other.

And then…

She tells him she loves him.

In song.

Two songs, and this episode has barely begun.

10.11

Back to KEN & HARRY IN THE MORNING

They have a very special guest… it’s Aileeeen Quinnnn!

They try to keep the interview professional, but Qwinnnnnn keeps trying to touch Harry in naughty places. With her bodyparts.

“Always keep your sunglasses on; you can see in the sun, or be a spy.”

She continues to mis-touch Harry.

“This is the hardest morning show we’ve done.”

I’m pretty sure he is talking about his penis.

Aileen has ‘the best idea ever’.  She wants to double-date. Her and Harry, and Ken with Issabelleelelelee.

Who broke up with him.

Like, last episode.

Are you not paying attttention?

10.14

Krom and Michael  are searching for his amulet.

“I’m going to put my fist through the bottom”

He’s talking about a drawer.

And then a computer.

And everything else in the room.

Because that is good searching.

10.18

It’s the first episode of WOMANIMAL.

Racoonboy has been murdered, and it’s up to Womanimal and her animal friends to save the day… or… uh… find the killer…

He’s apparently got traces of sand on his shoes… volcanic sand… from Crosby Beach…

So the killer must be… Bill Crosby!

……!

….

…

10.18

10.20

Morecum Morcambe and Flambadingdindigo go to Briss to complain about their jobs.

I think… they agreed… to… switch jobs?

10.25

Sunny is being interrogated by Sherman (left wing nazi) and John Wayne/Mick Jagger.

Remember:  John Wayne and Mick Jagger are both being played by Dana Anderson…

Or… John Wayne is being played by Mick Jagger played by Dana Anderson.

Or…

Fuck it.  Interrogation happens.

And then becomes a musical number.

Sunny claims he’s been set up. Again.

Sherman just wants to kill him. With a gun.

Where does everyone get guns from –

Fuck!  Sunny got shot!  In the… body…?

10.29

Fred is auditioining for the part of KROM.

In… uh… the Krom show.

In other news: The show just got child friendly, because some kids were brought in 30 minutes early for Children’s Hour…

The blog, however, will continue to say words like cuntyshitfuckballspunkwhorecockrapefartcumbubblingtwathole.

Oh, and then Michael does the same…

And then… Nige too.

All doing the same speech… ish..

Polly is applying for a job with Candy and Mike.

I do not know what the job is/was.

She is booked in for an interview… right now.

They would go to the audition room, but the door is locked.  So they’re stuck in a tiny room. Doing auditions.

10.35

Because there are children here, Christian End must now explain KROM.

He uses his words from his brain that come out his mouth via his voiceboxtalkerthing.

“Krom is like magic. In a kennel.”

“Krom is like the best girraffe you ever saw. In a hat.”

“Krom is like connect 4 with only yellow pieces.”

We are, it seems, ‘all Krom’.

10.40

Cameron talks to Jenna about her show.

She needs a jingle.  He helps by giving her a beat to work on.

“whoobadoobadoop whoobadoobadoop whoobadoobadoop” is the beat.

You wouldn’t think it would work, but it does and she comes up with something perfect..

But Cameron isn’t berating Thingawho about HER inada-quincys. No. not at all.  It’s all about him.

InadaQuincy was also a failed pilot of mine.
I guess nobody wanted to watch a show about Jack Klugman failing to solve crimes, and often doing an awful job of medical examining. He just couldn’t understand why there were no stomachs in the feetfoots of the corpses he investigated.

10.46

Is Sofie leaving?  Is Christian leaving?  Who is that other guy?  I have NO IDEA, he’s FACING THE HAIRY FUCKNUTS away from me

One of them is.  Maybe if I listen I will find out who, and be able to translate that to you with my wordtypings…

They’re both leaving.  Why?  I guess we’ll NEVER, EVER, know. Ever. No. Evererer. Noooo.

SAAAAAAD song about saying goodbye to them both.

And that’s the end of this episode!

We’ll be back in 15 minutes to kick the whore-strangling shit out of your brainsplooge with CHILD-FRIENDLY awesome.

(child friendly for one episode only.  And then the labianibblingcumsuckingtitfucking adult language rezoooooooms.)

11.11

Episode TWELVE:

Mother.Fucking.Children’s.Hour.

(PG in the house. So very not on the blog)

11.39

The Pyjama Boys – if this wasn’t Children’s Hour then two grown toned, clean-shaven men who wear pyjamas, live together and have their own private ‘zip-line’ would be susspeciously gayqueered.  But it IS Children’s Hour – so there’s nothing gay about it at all.

Pig & Spider – Similar to above… two women who live together and dress up as animals is totally fine. I’ sure the furry community will be happy to know they’re suitable for kids…

Both of those make you wonder why gay couples aren’t ok for Children’s Hour, and yet ‘heteronormal’ couples are totally fine.  Gay it up for the kids, dammit.

Bryn & Glenda – Two concerned parents… Again, they’re a straight couple… Who… may have lost their children in terrible accidents..?

And starring Dana Anderson as Alec Guinness.

11.44

It’s KEN & HARRY IN THE MORNING!

They’re teaching us about Canada.

Canada has the following things: flamingos, garlic, phones and arguing.

They also invented platypuses.

They have a special guest… it’s… Sasquatch!

Wait… no… Three Sasquatches… stapled together?

Canadian Marine biologists and Cryptozoologists invented Sasquatches.   And Sasquatches love to sing.

11.48

They go to see Babs, who is now a health and safety guru.  She does not let them run.  Or walk.

She sings a song about how clumsiness leads to… uh… polio and double-multiple sclerosis.

11.51

Sharing is fun.  Unless you’re sharing needles or STDs, in which case, sharing is strongly un-reccommended by most medical professionals.

Most *trained* medical professionals, that is.

Certainly not this guy:

Dr. Camel is NOT a reliable source of medical advice.

11.54

Reggie Flamingo, and his nameless man-friend-who-carries-and-speaks-for-him explain that friends are good and something else that is gayer than the Pyjama Boys oilyslipperybumsextime.

11.57

12.00

“Are you crazy”
“Yes I am”
“Join the navy!”
“From our tree!”

Totally. Not. Gay.

12.06

“It’s great when you have a friend – even better when that friend is better than you”

(Unless that friend is gay and it’s Children’s Hour)

Pig and Spider have new friends in the Canadians, Ken and Harry.  We’re told they’re new friends – but  they seem to have to chase their new friends down.  Like the fuckdogs they are.

Fuckdogs love to be chased.  And then fucked.

Their name is smart like that.

They’re going to go on an adventure together.

A cross-species sexual adventure, one assumes.

12.13

It’s about this time in the proceedings that you and I discuss how ‘Nige’ is not a name.  Well, I’ll discuss, and you will read.

Sure, it might be innocently only two letters from ‘Nigel’, but it’s also only two letters from ‘Nigger’.  Do I have a point? Not necessarily, but it’s definitely not a name.

Other things that are not names: monkeys, The Monkees, monks, keys, and… Leonard Nimoy’s stretchy oldmanface.

None of those are names.  An Nige is, as previously established adjacent to a racial slur, also not a name.

12.13

And now, we listen to Alec Guinness sleeping.

“Snorey snorey snore snore.”

(He’s *actually* fallen asleep.)

12.25

The parents, Himguy and Hergirl (coincidently, the original names for He-Man and She-Ra before the marketing department got involved) have… mislaid their four children.

They go to Mike, the talent agent, trying to find their children.  Because children love talent agents.  And also roaming across the country by their fucking selves…

Great parenting guys.  Michael Jackson was a better father figure, and he spent most of his time inside children….

12.31

The awful parents end up at The Shania Temple (and gift shop)

“Never the Twain shall meet”

They seek the oracle of.. stuff.

The oracle turns out to be Jenna.  She got their letter in which, much like child murderers misplacers the McCanns, they asked for publicity.

Publicity, by the way, is not a real city.

12.36

Well, they talk, and she watches at the big men say words in funny accents.

“Do you know what our national flower is?”
“No.”
“It’s petrified wood.”

12.44

Sherman has to leave.

But not before I’m forced to spell ‘entrepreneurialism’ for the fucking screen, and then do other things that made me not be blogging.

He was Hugh’s only friend, with him gone, Hugh has to befriend Derek Morecum Morcambe, who is also in need of a friend.  They are both friends. Holding hands. Like real men.

“Through good times, through bad times, through… sin?”

Uh… huh.

12.45

Back to Alec Guinnesssesss:

“Snorrey Snoritty snorable snorey snore snore.”

12.50

When the cockfart did that happen?

He’s all four of their children.

I guess.

12.57

Pig & Spider sing us out of this Episode with the classic number  ’What have we learnt today’

And… Then the children are forcibly evicted so I can put naughty words back on the big fucking screen.

Oh yes.

Anyway, it’s the end of this ep, so:

come to the Kazimier in the next 15-20 minutes to see the next pimp-nippling turd-swallowing twat-stitching pope-tickling whale-raping episode of improvised AWESOME.

13.29

Episode THIRTEEN:

KIDS BE THE FUCKS GONE

(And now, dirty language resumes. CuntSpunkShitter)

13.48

NEW CHARACTER!  S.

New characters plural.

Ted The Techie – he’s a techie. His name is Ted.  He’s worked at thingplace for 7 years.

Vince & Frank – Vince is The Cable Guy. Frank… agrees with him?

Something Gemini. Someone Gemini. Leo Gemini. He is a psychic or something.

13.49

The cast perform a bunch of three-line scenes.  That is, to say, scenes with only three lines.

The best one will get a full scene.

Got it?  Good.  Let’s move on.

13.53

The first one has mystery.

The second has sex.

The third has… another adjective.

The fourth has… … something else

The fifth has… … … Hair twins…

The sixth has… … … … I honestly have no fucking idea.

The seventh has… … … … An Irish psychic and lie detectors

The eighth has… … … … …One man standing on a box, and two lying down.

Is that it?  I guess so.

We’re apparently going with the Hair Twins scene.  Hair twins are like Wonder Twins, except they’re not from Exxor (which I’m pretty sure is an oil company), and they just have the same wigs on.

Also, they’re now represented by Mike Oblongadongschlong. The Hair Twins.  Not The Wonder Twins.  The Wonder Twins are signed to CAA. Duh.

They go to a place and celebrate making a deal about things.

Hugh and Isabelle are eating fried chicken.

Is this a scene, or an excuse for miming and sound effects on a mic?  That remains to be scene. Seen, even.

Krom comes in to see them and begs for his job back.  Even though they’ve already recast him and shot an entire new series with a new Krom.

Having lost everything, Krom is reduced to eating leftover chicken off the floor.

Isabelle treats Krom like a puppy.  She makes him run for the ball.  he runs for the ball.  Well, crawls for the ball.

He begs again to be an awe inspiring and epic action hero.

Begging and awe-inspiring do not go hand in hand.  They’re like Martha Stewart and not being imprisoned for tax invasion evasion.

14.08

They get stuck in the conveyor belt. And end up inappropriately situated… on top of one another?

And then we discover that Candy was 9 19 12 when she was in her first porno.

Ken wants to find love.  And also learnt everything about presenting from watching Candy on TV for a week.

They decide to dine and dash.  Yes.

14.14

Krom appears from the shadows. Dean and Cameron laugh at him.  Then realise they need to help him, because he’s choking.

He looks like he’s got something important to say… possibly the most important plot point to date.

“In the past 6 months they station has only made 2.5 hours of programming.”

That’s not really groundbreaking.

“I’m a woman. I always have been a woman”

That is slightly more groundbreaking.  But not… y’know… important.

14.17

I got a little distracted.  Leo Gemini is bartering for something with the Flamingo guy.

Flambingo wants to charge him many buckets.  He does not want to pay buckets.

Leo hypnotizes Flambingodingo into giving him whatever it is for free, and also giving him the silent human slave who carries Flambingaringadingalingdobedo.

14.21

Babs goes to Lovewater for a holistic session of something.

“Sometimes you need to be dry in your mind.”
“Tell me more Michael, you’re hurting my brain.”

He helps her with holistic…. singing….?

14.25

Fucking. Spectacular. Genius. Greenscreen scene.

Words cannot exclaim how fucking awesome it was.

14.28

Frank and Vince get coffee from a place where they are served by a woman, who exchanges goods for currency.

“I don’t trust her, like a lizard.”

That is correct.  Women are just like lizards.  It’s the scales that do it.  That and the weird sideways eyes. And tails.  And… living in trees.

Wait, plot.

Sandra was drugged by a lizard and they ran away together.  They were scissor sisters… lizard scissor sisters.

Or was Sandra the lizard?

No fucking clue.

14.33

Ted is driving a thing to a place… maybe?

No he isn’t.  He’s just fixing something. Sunny is concerned he has been bitten by a bear  bat.

He can feel it on his paralysed leg.

Ted puts a splint on his leg…

Oh, wait, I guess this means Sunny was just kneecapped and not killed…

Oops.

14.41

Nige is still not a name.

She is claustrophobic and takes her clothes off.

And then decides the only way to survive… is to resort to cannibalism.

14.44

Another. Fucking. Brilliant. Greenscreen. Scene.

Making fake (live) youtube videos. Changing backgrounds. Different camera angles. Zooming in selectively. All kinds of fucking hilarious genius happenings.

Well done to all involved.

And to me also, obviously.

The elevator is un-stuck.

They’re going to call the police.

…. and we FREEZE.

Back to this thingading in

15 spunkshitting minutes!

Come the fuck down to the Kazimier RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

15.09

Episode FOURTEEN:

DUN DUN DUN

(We ended on a cliffhanger… and now we resume.)

15.10

Before we jump back into the plot, it’s time for some three line scenes, featuring… people doing things.

I thought I saw a butterfly, and thusly forgot to blog.

In other news:  Butterflies are cunts.

15.18

And we’re back at the cliffhamger.

Now… it’s a musical number – Sunny’s here to save the day… probably.

…

No… he was just here to sing a song. Oh well.

15.21

in the office, where Hugh and Isabelle are calling  Kay Eff See to get chicken.

Hugh is doing Chicken impressions because he LOVES chicken.

They need a bucket.  And a box.  And beans.  And instead of beans they want coleslaw.

Beans. No beans. Chicken. Coleslaw.

And a bucket inside a box.

They are being served by Mr. Asshole.

15.26

Candy and Ken are in a car, running away from the police.

Driving. Driving away from the police.  Because they dined and dashed.

They are getting hot and sexed up because of the chase.

And then run through a wheat field

They hide in the wheat field.

Ken remembers he was hit on the back of the head by Guy Tonight as they ran out of the sushi place. He is now smelling cake, seeing flowers and hearing a van.

15.31

Vince and Ted break into Nige(not a name)’s house.  So they can ‘smoke a blunt’.

She does not like this idea.

Vince is using a scimitar to cut up the drugs… because drugs and swords make for good bedfellows, like Paris Hilton and whoever will take her calls and/or the risk of airborne venereal disease.

Nige(not a name) is uncomfortable, so Vince reads her some poetry to make her feel better. Or something.

And then… the mood turns sour.  Ted and Vince have a falling out… because of something…

Vince and Nige(not a name) leave… her house… with Ted still inside.

15.37

This guest is Mike Oxlong.

Oh, I finally got his name. That only took like, 10 fucking hours.  And to think I was calling him dongaschlong and his name was already euphemystical.

Guy Tonight grills Mike Oxlong about what sport he would play, and why he doesn’t play it.

Mike Oxlong does not seem to understand the concept of a talk show.  He might have a mental disability.

Oh, no, he just has emotions.

His sport was… Robert’s Lens…?   I might have misheard.  Or not listened.  Which is like mishearing, but not hearing in the first place.

Mike didn’t have a problem with the sport; he just couldn’t compete with other people.

And… He used to ski on black snow… because black snow is faster than white snow…

And he was kicked out of his sport… by… Harry Ola!

Fuckmyshitandshitonmyfucks.

15.42

It’s time to see some more youtube clips!

We’re watching bloopers from KROM.

Fucking genius again – but all greenscreen stuff that I needed to do things …

15.45

Pinter-style scene.  With pauses a 747 could fly through.

And it literally does, thanks to me.

You’re welcome.

(if you were here.)

15.51

Dean walks in on Polly having a ‘hot yoga’ session with… some guy.

He’s invited to join in, and does to at his behest.

Mostly because it’s partner-based yoga, and it’s only him, Polly and the other guy.

And the other guy and Polly are partnered already

Dean tries to ask Polly out – but the other guy asks first – and she has to make a decision…

But we cut before a decision is made!

15.56

Everyone is in the bored room. Board room?  Let’s go with Bored room.

They all also have stomach problems due to all the KFC they’ve eaten.

“Please get to a suitable place before exploding”

16.03

After 10,000 fucking episodes, the title I made can FINALLY be seen!

PimpMyRanch_1

This episode stars Garth Brooks, who owns a Shetland Pony Ranch.  But they’re all diseased!

How can the Olas help him?

By mincing the ponies into chunks!

Oh noes!  Garth Brooks was blinded by chunks of diseased pony!

16.07

Mike Oxlong appears on the Jenna Cydal show to talk about his story, and sell his new book.

His new book that he won’t write.  And will also be more like a pamphlet than a book.

Right…

16.13

Cameron, Derek and the unable-to-move-by-himself Fred (who was half-eaten, and may or may not be dead.)  go to Cuntset Square to score *.

Which, if you’ve not been paying attention, is a drug.

By the way they’re moving him, it seems like they’re doing Weekend At Bernie’s.

They get the drugs – but then they’re stopped!

By the drug dealer!

Who turns out to be Sunny!

Cameron and Derek run away with the drugs, leaving Sunny with the body!

Oh, and Sunny still can’t walk, because he’s been kneecapped…

16.18

The Olas meet Hugh and Isabelle to talk over the audience reaction to the show.

Isabelle is not impressed on their treatment of ‘cute’ animals:

“You used the words ‘they pop like cute little grapes’.”

And now to some greenscreen bits that I can’t report on because I am/was busy doing them.

Then, due to awful reactions from audiences, Ken and Harry decide they’ll pack it all up and move to Canada… unless they can adapt another show…

16.20

Babs co-hosts the news with Guy Tonight

“What happens when you put three squirrels into a triangle?  Knives.  That’s just science.”

16.27

Ted and Vince are trapped in the Merzee Tonelle.  With a Tuvan throat singer.

Ted insults the throat singer.  Because he is a massive racist.

He gives him a diamond hat to apologise.

Yes, that happened

16.30

Polly, Dean and the other guy are on an awkward date seeing Warhorse.

I got distracted drawing a horse, and then we flashback to the fountain. And then flashed forward and back and forward and I have no idea what, if anything, happened.

16.46

The Olas go to see Lovewater to help develop their new show “Asides”.

Or is that “Ass Sides”.

I honestly could not tell you.

They went to a shaman. Unfortunately it was a shamwow shamen.

They have two ways the show could go:

> It’s a show that, like when having a meal, is only ‘the sides’.

> The other way, is that it’s a show just about coleslaw.

A new plan for the show!  It’s about asides in real conversations (just like Tiny Andrew Collings, AIOTM fans)

They do a pilot – and it seems to have found favour with the execs!

(Aside: It may not have…)

See you in 20 minutes for Episode FUCKYEAH

Come. The fuck. Here.

Now!

Episode FIFTEEN: FUCKYEAH! 

(Awesomes ahoy!)

17.28

Office party!

Why?

Why not!

Jenna’s intent on saving the station!  With her face! And also, her actions!

Her actions will be… filthy, scandalous people being on her show.

The whole cast offer their sins to her cause.

Briss and End are in their office when…  OFCOM ARRIVE!

Not OFCOM!

Yes! OFCOM!

And they’re CUNTS!

Hugh Briss hides under a table.  The table that the OFCOM officers put their cards down onto.

The officers will:

“Put our noses where noses haven’t been before.”

Which… means something, I’m sure.

The OFCUNTS seem to think Briss and End are the reason the channel sucks, and are threatening to close the station if they find out as much.

There’s a 5 hour deadline to make the station not-shit and save the day for Channel 33.5!  And only 5 hours left of the show!

17.39

Meanwhile: Fred is the only one that remains at the party, and wakes up with Babs watching over him.

Bab has found affection for Fred:

“I didn’t have to roofie you much, I only gave you a half, and that means love!”

Fred is less afraid now.  Not entirely fear-free, but mostly fear-free.

17.42

Leo Gemini attempts to keep hold of his amulet, in a scene in the style of Chekov.

Anton Chekov I imagine, not Pavel, the Enterprise’s navigator.

Leo has to decide whether something (him?) lives or dies.

I guess.

17.49

Krom is at ComiCon, and is all alone, apart from a handful of supergeeky geekygeeks, who want his autograph. On every page of their Krom anals annuals.

Mark Meer got his Krom earplugs autographed.

An australian got a mask signed.

A Scottish chick got a tannoy signed.

A hideous man dressed as ‘The Blue Titty Witch Of The USA” gets his belly signed.

A pair of Nerdygeekonerdygeekers cum in their pants when Krom touches his helmet.  The helmet on his head, not his penis.

A lady with an alligator for a head is there to interview him.  She has an alligator head on her head.  Not a whole alligator as a head.  Turns out she’s not a journalist – she’s a crazymental fan.

A man from a deli wants to get his leg signed. He also needs to pee. He also thinks Krom is Doctor Who.

17.52

Ken is trying to conduct business on the phone about the new show, whilst Harry and Aileen try to eat dinner, completely in his way.

Why?

Because their apartment is the size of their dinner table.

17.58

Nige goes to question Isabelle about the rumors of the station’s closure.

In addition to being the head of a TV network, Isabelle is also a phone sex operator.  Much like all high powered executives.  For example, Rupert Murdoch is one of the filthiest phone ops in the fucking world.  He’s a sick bitch fo’ sho’.

The guy on the line is “Hard as a university maths exam right now.”  And the callers turn out to be Harry… and then she clicks ‘line 2′ and suddenly Ken is on as well – they start having phone sex together…

… and then Aileen joins in…

They all know each other are phone sexing with each other.  Aileen is not happy at all.

And Hugh Briss is listening in too!

Everyone’s phonefucking everyone else!

And Nige didn’t get her questions answered…

18.02

Candy has been degraded and defiled.

Mike was once head boy and lead in a boys choir.

Candy empathises at first… and then seems to be less impressed.

But then she is impressed again.  Because of narrative and character development, one assumes.

18.06

With Guy Tonight and Sunny Security

Sunny still can’t stand, and yet, is allowed to present the news…

18.10

Dean and Polly and the other guy are on a date.

D&P are a couple.  OG is … going to give across the wrong impression if I call him OG again. No.  Other Guy is a cingle.

Yes.

They are at a waxwork museum.

And are misidentifying celebrity waxworks.

Which promptly melt.  Due to Dean’s rage. His burning, burning rage.

18.15

She wants to know if the Channel is really shutting down…  Because she is Krom’s biggest fan.

Briss, for some reason I forget, is going to make her wish come true.

18.19

The Leo Gemini scene continues, this time with a Shakespearian twangadang.

Uh…

I think they’re going to play Russian Roulette. For the amulet maybe?

Or, maybe not.

Oh no, it is.

Yay, I’m listening.

They’re about to start when…. They realise all six of the guns chambers are loaded…

18.20

Uh. I think that was pretty much that scene.

Seems like they might actually get to the Russian Roulette this time…

Leo’s first….

*click*

Now Michael….

*click*

Another bullet in the chamber…

It’s Leo’s turn again…

*click*

But he falls down dead anyway.

Moments pass.

BANG.

End scene.

18.29

It’s…  Everyone… Everywhere.

Ok, maybe not everywhere.  They’re in an office. Isabelle is talking to them all.

Now they’re in a meeting room. Nobody’s moved yet.

It’s been brought up that maybe the studio is failing because they’re ALWAYS IN FUCKING MEETINGS.

The audience seem to be participating.  Isabelle is on their side. Then she’s lying on her side.

I do not know what just happened.

18.32

Babs and Fred are in a car.

She is a bad driver.  Maybe because she didn’t just fail her test – she didn’t even know there WAS a test…

And then…

CAR CRASH!

18.41

Did I say ‘talk’?  I meant SING.

Someone said something.

And then…

Isabelle went up to sing…. and then her hair came off!!

She’s a fraud!

The whole cast chase her as the music continues without them… . Then they find their way back to the stage.

And so the song moves on:

Goldie is reprimanded and told she’ll never have Krom as her own…

And those two audience members join in again, and get the last line of the song. But it was indecipherable.  Because they have been drinking since we started the show at 1pm yesterday…

Meanwhile:

20 labia-piercing, cock-grating minutes ’til…

EPISODE … ALMOST LAST!(?)

GET DOWN TO THE KAZIMIER!

*********

COMMERCIAL SHATTERED

Do you like pictures that move accompanied by audio that may be speech or musical based?

Well then you either have bowel cancer, or you’ll want to see the sketches and music videos I churn out EVERY MONDAY!

Go watch them! With your eyes!

COMMERCIAL…  SCRAPPED AND REPLACED WITH NON-AD CONTENT

19.04

Episode SIXTEEN: WHOOPADOO! 

(Only one more to go!)

(After this one. Obvs.)

19.18

And we’re back.

THREE LINE SCENES, motherfucker.

I was too busy making jokes on the screen to write anything here.

YOU MISSED IT, SUCKA’.

19.26

Hugh finds Isabelle hiding away.

A deathly silence falls on The Kazimier.

Deathly, apart from the fans in the ceiling, which are FUCKING LOUD from where I’m sitting. With my face next to them.

Meanwhile: The secrets are coming between the two of them – and they have a deadline hanging over them.

This is heavy shit…

Serious stuff.

Between the personal and business stresses that have come over them all through the last few weeks, they’re both at their wits ends.

The two Executives hold one another, each needing to be reassured, the other unable to do so.

Hugh speaks first, giving her everything he can in a few paltry words to tell her it’s going to be ok. She knows it’s going to be ok… and tells him… finally… that she loves him.

They embrace.  Their feelings laid out, once and for all.

19.28

Vice and Quisitor discuss how they’re going to end Channel 33.5 once and for all.

Except they’re doing it in the style of Samuel Beckett. So their words are profound and surreal and, more than a little bit up their own arse. Their metaphorical word-arses. Like the letter O. That looks like an anus.

Oh, scene over. I don’t think I missed much.

19.33

Dean, Polly and … the guy who’s name I should have probably learnt by now, are playing Ouijanopoly.

It would be going well, if the game made a lick of sense, and the words from their mouths weren’t inside out and confused as to who is addressing whom.

Or, perhaps, whom is addressing who.

Dean brought the other guy to his house to play Ouijanopoly so he could make him never have to be seen again.

Other Guy only agrees if Dean promises never to see Polly again. Which defeats the point in why Dean set this all up.

He leaves anyway… but declares his love to Polly on his exit.

19.35

Ken and Nige are … chasing each other…?

It’s a frantic scene. For… some reason…

Nige wants to know what’s happening with the TV station – Ken tells her it’s going to be shut down and everyone will be fired!

The franticness continues!  Ken’s searching for valium…

They find it! And take it! Yay!

19.41

Goldie Lawn is checking out her new office when Hugh sits her down.

She wants to have Krom for herself… to keep in her office… as a hatstand.

Hugh tries to tell her she might as well pack her shit up, but she sings a jingle;

“If you don’t like where you are, where do you go?  Studio 33.5!”

He likes it. And she’s…. hired?  Wasn’t she already fired?

But they can’t offer her a salary. She doesn’t seem to mind.

19.46

Guy reveals to the nation that 33.5 is in jeopardy…

After asking where OFCOM are based (It’s OFCOMMAND btw) he is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it any more!

19.50

Whilst getting her neck cracked by a… yoga instructor..?

She wants to get Guy Tonight back, but doesn’t know how.

Jenna says words that help, and Candy launches out the door, in search of Guy’s heart.

19.53

Isabelle addresses her staff.  They seem to respect her… but in fact, they’re all doing ASIDES!!

20.04

Aileen comes in and discovers him watching, and try as they might, it won’t turn off.

Until Aileen shouts at the internet until it stops being on porn.

The couple realise they need to be more honest with each other; She hasn’t been using her real voice, nor her real hair.

He tells her that she’s the most beautiful thing of ever, and she eats up his words like they were made of chocolate honey mango raisin pancakes.

“Stop crying!” he says “I don’t want it to taste like salty popcorn when I kiss you on the mouth.”

They love each other more than things of times.

“Every man I’ve met has been… a nine year old orphan!”

She wants to go to Canada with him and be… a farmhand.

“You’ve got to keep eyes if you want to see someone.”

And they kiss.

And then almost fall off the table.

20.12

He, however, is full of valium, and moving very slowly, pausing for 5-20 seconds between each step. Or turn. Or word.

“You’re just the cutest little angel poops.” (I think) he said.

She thinks the concept is rude, and mean, and not at all nice.

“You know, I spent my childhood in a well. And it wasn’t good, because the bucket would always hit my head when it came down.”

That wasn’t true. We all laughed, but Isabelle doesn’t have time for laughing, it’s time for action.

But now she’s forgotten Ken’s name.

He helps her.

By becoming a sabre-toothed beaver. Grr. Arg.

She lays her cards on the table; The show needs to be shitcanned.  And more importantly…

“I’ve developed a relationship with Hugh.”
“With me? I know you have!”

And…. scene.

20.16

Why doesn’t Sunny have a wheelchair or crutches?  He’s had no legs for weeks…

“I feel like a centipede.”

Exactly.

Babs recognizes Sunny, and greets him, full of joy.

Fred lies down next to Sunny.

“You got sheep on your sweater, have you named them?” asks Sunny.

Babs reveals to Fred her earlier indiscretions.

“It’s all good roofying and raping me, but shitting on someone’s desk is uncalled for!”

20.22

Leo thingadoo, the youngest daughter of his family, wants to start a coleslaw and white gravy business with Krom.

Wait… daughter?

So, they’re both women?  And lesbians?

20.29

Hugh walks in on Isabelle and Ken kissing…

After their experience earlier, he’s distraught. Destroyed. Devastated.

Ken wants to leave it up to Isabelle to decide which of them she’ll be with.

“If she chooses you, you’re a lucky giant sunovabitch”

Hugh’s angry.  Not at Isabelle, but at Ken.

He brings up the sex phone lines.  He respected Isabelle for making money for the company with them, but Ken took advantage of her.

At least that’s his impression… she has other things to say.

She loves him.  But if she’s going to hold this against him… then… she can’t do it.

Ken agrees to leave the happy couple together.

The two men make up, and Ken says his goodbyes and gets going…

At which point, the rest of the cast arrive to see him off.

The two (giant) lovers hold each other.

20.34

Guy is waiting for Candy to express her intentions.

Her intentions are to meet up.  But they’re already met up. Now. In the present.

She bares her heart to him.

He confesses that he feels the same way.

“Will you do me the honor of.. once again becoming… Candy Tonight?!”

20.40

The OFCOMANDANTES assemble the entire cast to tell them how exactly they’re going to shut the studio down.

In a musical number!

Why will OFCOM win?

“You’ll never defeat us – because we’ve even brought our own fucking band!”

The members of the Channel 33.5 staff have their backs against the wall….

When Hugh and Isabelle finally stand up for their staff.

And that’s it for the penultimate episode.

In 15 minutes it’s…

THE FINAL CUNT-SPLUTTERING,
COCK-KNOTING EPISODE!

Come! To The Kazimier! NOW!

21.03

Episode SEVENTEEN: THE GRAND CUNTING FINALE! 

(THIS IS IT, BITCHCAKES!)

21.31

Seems unnecessary to do so, because you have 30,000 words of ‘catching up’ right in front of you.

21.41

Still catching up…

Almost done….

……

…

21.51

During a passionate kiss, amongst telling her the most beautiful and… uh.. kinda sickly sweet things… he decides it’s time to tell Aileen … about his … female “friend”  back home.

Who he has a picture of in his wallet.

They’re good friends…

Very good friends….

He loves Aileen… with his left atrium.

… and…

Loves the other chick with… his right atrium….

?  !  ?  !

What. The. Fuck.

?  !  ?  !

Aileen wants him to make a decision.  He wants to put it in the hands of the station.

(Stations don’t have hands)

If the station stays open, he says he’ll stay in England and send her “a weird postcard”.  A postcard from France.

Right.

She forces him to answer her…

…. is she not enough…?

21.55

Ken runs into Krom,recognizing him as  the figurehead of the station.

He offers Krom the whole Asides budget to make a spectacular KROM comeback movie of the week.

He asks Krom to pitch him the best Krom episode EVER….

22.03

The OFCUNTS, and… OFSTED… appear on Guy Tonight’s show “Inner Probe”.

He uses the interview to get inside the heads of the men who want to destroy his shows’s’s’s’s home.

They worked for Portillo’s Crushing Department.  And seek to thusly crush and destroy all happiness and joy.

Guy hypnotizes one of the Sir (at least I think it’s Sir)

The other one (Ian?) opens up.

Wait. They don’t work for OFCOM… they work for OFBASTARDS.

But the you who’s not hypnotized doesn’t want to be an OFBASTARD…!

Jenna, Polly and Nige pack up Jenna’s studio.

The two underlings offer to singe her a goodbye song.

And also sing a goodbye song.

The first one got burnt, so they baked a second.

Song.

Yeah.

Nige packs up Jenna’s studio into a bindle, which she carries over her shoulder.

Will she walk out the door and roam the lands, enacting vengeance on evildooers like some sort of HoboCop?

No. She’s going to stay. Stay and fight with the others.

22.15

Candy sits down with Mike Oxlong, trying to find a way to save the station.

She recounts all the things that could go wrong if 33.5 is shut down:

>Scotland could re-invade England…
>The Shortbread Embargo could be reinstated
>Something else that I missed.

Mike asks Candy if she has friends… because he doesn’t. Without the studio, he won’t have his colleagues, and they are the closest thing he has to friends.

Candy reveals to him that she knew him from his biathalon days.  He used to be her hero.

And she respects him as a sportscaster of inter-sports play, like ‘HockeyRugby’.

She gives him a pep talk – reminds him that he DOES have friends. And that together, nothing can stop them.

22.20

Babs fills Fred with boobs booze and pills, in order to help him deal with the pain of losing his job at the station.

She sings the alphabet… but it relates to Absinthe, Booze, Charlie, Dancing, Ecstasy…. and then they lose the alphabet

And then find it again…

… and then lose it.

So.

What just happened?

Babs reveals…. she never really drugged Fred!

It’s been a placebo effect all along!

It’s always been…. LOVE! – Love is the drug he’s thinking of.

22.22

Goldie. Yes.

I think she’s auditioning for the role… and thinks she deserves to be able to audition for the role because she bought so much KROM-branded gravy that she has practically single-handedly paid for the film.

She even offers to be killed off in it… I think.

22.30

OK. So. Krom: the TV movie special.

They have 10 minutes to get the whole thing wrapped up…

KROM is at an alehouse… I think.

He’s on a quest to The Temple Of Really Bad Evil.

Damn, I had to fix the greenscreen, and have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HAPPENED.

Are they at The Temple Of Really Bad Evil already?

Violence occurs!

BUT NO!

A SHOCK!

IT’S THE LEADER OF THE YMCA!

He uses his magicks to force the barbarian KROM and his friends to force them into performing the YMCA!!

How can they be set free?

LAWYERS!

SPACE LAWYERS!

And now?

Now?

NOW!?

NOW, WE BATHE IN LADIES!

22.30

That should have done it, right?

The day was saved…

It had to be….

22.33

No.

It wasn’t enough.

There was a hurricane, and the signal barely got out to the city, let alone the country.

Only a fraction of the broadcast was watchable.  And reviewers who got advance tapes of the movie said it was the worst thing every created by mankind ever.

So.

All is lost.

And everyone has to pack up and leave the studio.

It’s done.

…

22.39

Because the show failed, Aileen and Harry are over.

They go on Youtube one last time, for old times sake….

And discover… Ian and Sir in a gay porno.  Violating some kind of OFBASTARD standards policy, probably.

So… The day is saved?

I … think… it might be…

22.45

Hugh and Isabelle gather everyone and tell them the news.

“OFCOM and OFSTED and OFBASTARD CUMGLOMERATE INCUNTPERATED, who all thought they were ‘brilliant’… turned out to be ‘brilliant in the gay porn industry’.”

So.

They’ve won.

Guy and Candy are getting re-married!

Everyone else is happy!

They’re de-cunted!

They’re victorious!

Channel 33.5 is saved!

KISS THE BEAST!

CHEWBACCA’S ON THE BIG SCREEN!  IN A GAY PORNO!

22.47

33.5 hours.

2012 minutes

120,720 seconds.

FUCK.YES.

22.55

To reiterate, in photo form:

22.56

So that’s it.  Yet another Liverpool Improvathon over and done with.  Another blog of thousands of words, with hilarious asides and photos that tell a story of 30+ magnificent performers kicking the shit of of comedy and beating it within an inch of it’s life.

I’ve been your host, Doctor Captain Lee Isserow.  I am available for writing and filming engagements, and also children’s parties.

The Improprietors are also available for children’s parties, as well as weddings, bar-mitzvahs, comedy festivals and psychiatric ward performances.  They promise they’ll keep it clean.  They even bring their own mop and bucket

Die-Nasty and Rapid Fire Theatre, who gave us three of their finest Improfolk are one of the world’s premier(e?) improvised comedy groups, who are rather spectacular.  You should stalk them with your internets, and fondle their YouTubes.

And there’s the lovely LondonImprovers, who also did funny things with their words.