This week:
Ali Lohan’s reanimated body stalks the streets of LA, Barbara Walters may leave broadcasting and become a fry cook, The Duggar’s lose a baby – but have plenty spare, and professional doosher / closeted mayor of gaysville Justin Bieber continues to be a wanker.
Ali Lohan’s emaciated corpse continues
to walk, talk, eat human flesh.
You’d think someone would do something about a living zombie girl going around Hollywood devouring the brains of casual passers-by. How do zombies even get to the brains anyway – I don’t know if you’ve tried to smash one open, but skulls are pretty thick. Unless they’re baby skulls, which are fortunate enough to include a sweet spot at the top that basically acts as a ring-pull.
Now, I don’t really see what the problem is here, because Ali Lohan is a hot skinny chick who likes to wear revealing outfits – but apparently the rest of the celebrity blogging community is ‘worried’ about her weight. Which is why every day this week there’s been a headline about her with “shocking”, “too thin” or “buy one get one free” in the title. Maybe the last one was about Pizza Hut, rather than Ali Lohan…
It does seem that she’s skinnier in every shot that’s taken of her – but I think that’s just that old adage about the camera stealing 10lbs of your soul every time a photo is taken. That’s a thing. Right?
Barbara Walters, 600, retires.
Takes up sky-diving.
20/20 News Anchor Walters, who celebrated her 600th birthday in June confided in President Obama that she was retiring next year. “I’ve run our of babies blood to bathe in, so I’m planning a trip to Nicaragua – babies are so cheap there!” she probably told the President.
Walters (pictured above with foetal rib cages dangling from her ears) is planning to broadcast her final interview of 2012 whilst in mid-air. “Nobody has ever done anything like this before; I’ll have to choose my subject carefully because I’ve only got the one parachute, and they sure as hell aren’t taking it.” said the broadcaster to nobody.
Once she leaves the show, her representatives have stated that she intends on undertaking a one-woman journey to the centre of the earth to find out what makes the world tick. Sources close to the earth say it is very probably a clock.
Duggar family loses a baby.
They should look down the back of the couch, that’s where they always end up.
I don’t know much anything about the Duggar family, stars of TLC’s “19 Kids & Counting”. What I do know, is that the media is writing up the miscarriage of their baby all wrong.
For example, when I read the headline:
“The Duggar family lost their 20th child to a miscarriage.”
I, knowing nothing about the show, assumed that ’19 and counting’ referred to the amount of miscarriages they’d had – which makes for a pretty bleak show, especially on TLC. I don’t think I’d want to watch a show about a couple who barely talk to one another, sitting solemnly and weeping, in between graphic displays of cold, sterile sex as they try for yet another baby that they will inevitably lose.
So. Basically. I’m glad TLC went with the much more positive format about a couple that have 19 living children, rather than the version where they have 19 dead ones. Well done them.
Sources close to The Duggars say that they are considering an offer from HBO for a much darker a spin off “One Dead Kid & Counting”.
Justin Bieber arrested for sexually propositioning a cop.
Oh if only that headline were true.
Bieber was in fact arrested for driving under the influence of being a cunt pulled over for turning left. Yes, that is what our law enforcement officers are doing instead of stopping rapes, murders, burglars or rape burglarizing murderers.
Not really that interesting a story, but it gives me yet another excuse to call Justin Bieber a twat.
In other news…
I drew a picture of a cat.
I’m thinking it could be the logo for my new website, HitlersThatLookLikeCats. Or not. It’s early days.
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