The new series of Celebrity Big Brother (tagline: “Now more Celebri-tied than ever!”) launched last night. It was watched by 3.5 million people, each of whom had just given up on life.
But who the fuck is in the BB house?  More importantly, who the fuck cares?

Kristina and Karissa Shannon

Because it’s not good TV if you don’t have hot blonde twins with a predilection for lezzing out to get attention. I think it’s in Channel 5′s terms of service to include at least one set of potentially naked breasts per programmable hour – and twins are like one set of breasts, but times two.  Channel 5 are using the presence of the twins as supplemental educational material for boob-loving maths enthusiasts. Also; Karissa is not a name.  Just sayin’.

Frankie Concozza

No idea. He (?) sounds like a jockey.  Or a third cousin twice removed of the Corleones.  The one The Godfather got to do laundry runs, and go on secret missions to get the milk and papers in the morning. Skills include:  having a face I want to punch, and having even stupider hair, that I also want to punch.

Michael Madsen

Little known Michael Madsen fact;  he is in absolutely every movie shot in the last three decades.  Whether hired to be there or not, he’ll run down to the back lot, film set, street shoot or indie filmmaker’s mom’s house and perform a walk-on, just to remind people he’s there and add to his 760,000 strong credit list on the IMDB.
When I lived in LA I met his ex-wife, Jeannine.  When I told her I was a Producer she started reeling off her filmography, but not as you’d expect;

Her: “Have you seen Stripped To Kill 2?”
Me: “… Uh… No…”
“I take my tits out in that.”
“Right.”
“What about My Chauffer?”
“I don’t know what he looks like…”
“It’s a movie.  I take my tits out in that too.”
“I’m beginning to see a pattern here..”
“Ruthless People?”
“Judge Reinhold and Supergirl?  Danny Devito and the horse-faced chick from Beaches?  Of course!”
 ”You remember the whore?”
“Uh… ”
“In the car…”
“Being watched by Bill Pullman?”
“Yeah.”
“You were… the car?”
“I was the whore!  You can –”
“– see your tits in that.  Yeah, I get it”
“Whacha’ doing later?”
“I can say with almost 100% certainty that it will not involve seeing your tits.  But thank you for the offer. I have to be anywhere but here right now… Like over there… In that wheat thresher.”

But enough of my glamorous Hollywood tales, where was I?

Denise Welch

Some believe that Denise Welch is Michael Madsen in drag, as the two have never been seen in the same place. Expensive digital effects will be utilized to make it appear that both are on screen at the same time.  Denise lives in a haunted willow tree, and eats nothing but goblin eggs. Contrary to her name, she is not Welsh, unlike…

Gareth Thomas

The Telegraph claims Gareth is “one of Wales’s most capped players”.  I have no idea what that says about it, but it probably doesn’t mean he’s been shot the most.  What I do know about him is that he is gay – which makes him the only gay person in any sport any where.

Nicola McLean

Nicola McLean is a totally valid and worthwhile human being because she has spectacular tits and (i imagine) uses them to change the world for the better. She is also famous for naming her children Rocky and Striker, which will in no way incite bullies when they stop dribbling and shitting everywhere and go the fuck to school to learn how to flip my fucking burgers.

Ryan Giggs…
No, wait, that should be… uh… Ryan Giggs’s sister-in-law.

Is that really a claim to fame?  My great-grandfather won olympic gold for cycling 80-something years back (80 years ago in the Olympics – not cycling 80 years back in time.  They don’t have a medal for that.  Yet.)  Does that put me in with a chance of being in the next Celebrity Big Brother?  Because if it does, I’m going to kill myself right now.

Natalie Cassidy

She was in 13 years of Eastenders, and is now a professional reality show whore.  Natalie is the most boring of the contestants thusfar, because I can’t find anything remotely interesting about her.  Other than she has a big fat stupid face.

Georgia Salpa

Her main skill seems to be having fantastic breasts.  I can understand – I’ve been told I too have fantastic breasts.  (This really isn’t looking good – I’m expecting a call from Endemol any minute now trying to recruit me for the next series) She kinda looks like Kim Kardashian, but is not Kim Kardashian, which makes her over 1500% better than Kim Kardashian in every possible way.

Kirk Norcross

… who… Oh God… How the hell did The Only Way Is Essex win a BAFTA?  We are officially living in the sixth circle of hell – the gallery reserved for serial tax evaders, mountain climbers and hatstand repairmen, where reality television is lauded as the most popular form of entertainment, chocolate is made from needles and broken glass, and bees are made of wasps.

Andrew Stone

I choose to believe this housemate is Andrew Stone MP, who represented Hastings from 1741-1761.  The alternative is that it’s a twat teacher from Pineapple Dance Studios, the cast of which  are responsible for more crimes on humanity than the Nazis, George Bush, or Donald Sutherland.  And don’t forget Donald Sutherland once kept the entire population of China in a cage for a month just because he can. In other Andrew Stone news; he, much like Kirk Norcross, Natalie Cassidy and Frankie Concozza, has a face I want to punch until they are all facially represented by a homogeneous mush of sinew and braingoop.

Urgh.  So, there we have it.  All the Celebrity Big Brother cuntestants in one big ol’ list.  If the house exploded due to unforseen explosives-related-explosion, the world might actually be a better place.  Here’s hoping…