It’s that time of year again!

Oscars?
Nope

Grammys?
Nope

VMAs?
Nope

Hilary Clinton Transvestite Lookalike Of The Year?
Nope

It’s the BAFTAs!

“The what?”  I hear you ask.

The BAFTAS are the British Acadamy of Frolicking with Trepidatious Anxiety‘s way of giving back to the film community.

Whilst also trying to make up for the fact Britain hasn’t had a home-grown film industry since the 70s.

Yay Britian!

John Hurt is an outstanding achievement.

Apparently.  He’ll be receiving the John Hurt Award for Outstanding Achievement in Being John Hurt.  Which is fair enough, because I’m sure you’ll agree he is the best John Hurt around.

At least the best John Hurt that is often referred to as “The White John Hurt”.

His current achievements are certainly  better than those of Mississippi John Hurt (The Black John Hurt) ,who came in second, having died over 45 years ago.

His runner up certificate will be shot into the heart of the sun, where it is believed all Blues musicians go when they die.

Marilyn vs. Maggie

Is this really news?

Does anyone care that two dead chicks are being played by two alive chicks in two movies that I haven’t seen?

What do you mean Thatcher’s still alive?

I would possibly care if it were a fight between zombie Marilyn and pensioner Thatcher…
But it isn’t.

It’s not even a battle between nude Playboy Marilyn and  Margaret Thatcher being in a totally different room so I wouldn’t have to look at her hideous melty old lady face.

Anyway.  That’s happening.

More celebrity news after the jump…

You know what?

BAFTAs are boring.  Oscars too.

Awards are just dumb - and that’s coming from me; the holder of 30-something awards for filmthings.

Other than being given a gift bag full of free things, and getting some shots in the papers, they mean absolutely nothing.

This isn’t a joke,  it’s a cold hard truth.

Now back to the frivolity:

Did you know celebrities have birthdays,

just like you normal people?

Burt Reynolds had a birthday today – which you would know, seeing as Burt-Day has become an international holiday.

He would have come to the Burt-Day party you arranged for him, but he was too busy kicking ass to stop by and blow the candles out on a cake shaped like his moustache.

But he’s not the only one who’s IMDB profile age was forcibly increased by a digit as they succumbed to the passage of time:

Twilight wankstain Taylor Lautner turned 14 today.

He was given a pink bicycle which he proceeded to fall from and cried until his mother brought him his blankee to make it all better.

What I’m saying is that Taylor Lautner is a pussy.

It’s also Jennifer Aniston’s birthday today, which gives me an excuse to sign off the column with this: