This week in Celebrity news: Etta James RIP. Damon Albarn mourns publicly. OJ Simpson is maybe possibly probably maybe Khloe Kardashian father? And Georgia Salpa saves lives!
Etta James dies.
People she neither knew, nor cared for, cry out
James croaked last night. More authoritative news sources than I have been reporting it thusly:
“She passed away after suffering complications from leukemia.”
The ‘complications’ would be a mixture of ‘having leukemia’, and also ‘dying from leukemia’. When leukemia is first diagnosed, most doctors advise not to participate in either of those activities. James, however, did not listen to doctors orders and continued to both have, and die, from leukemia.
celebrated mourned the loss of James by eating some doughnuts, washing them down with a doughnut shake, then wiping the crumbs from her mouth with her patented doughnut napkins. Which she proceeded to eat.
?uestlove, who is a person I have never heard of, tweeted as follows:
“rip to Etta James. i will hold the torch high for The Roots name in your honor.”
Of course, he (?) did not know Etta James in the slightest, for she was a stickler when it came to both grammar and punctuation. She would have rebuked his peace-rest-wishes, and punched him right in the kidneys – which according to Wikipedia for the next 5-10 minutes was her favourite place to punch people.
In other news, a question mark makes a terrible first name for a baby.
Mister and Mrs Uestlove should have known better.
Damon Albarn confused
Blur and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn organized a service in St. Pauls Cathedral to mourn the passing of James. He played “She’s a star” and “Sit Down” on repeat for three full hours, and it wasn’t until the service ended that it was brought to his attention that Etta James died, and all the members of Manchester indie rockers James were in perfect health.
Albarn had spent over £600,000 on the service to the band, in which he broke down in tears several times, and launched an effigy of the band members into space.
The waxwork models of Sporty James, Scary James, Ginger James, Baby James, Posh James and Nigel James are expected to hurtle back to earth over the weekend. Casualties are estimated to be in the tens of thousands. Although the Ministry For Statistics has stated that there is a margin of error of tens of thousands.
OJ Simpson is (or isn’t?) Khloe Kardashian’s father.
Nobody in the universe cares about this story, and yet it’s everywhere.
I’m beginning to think it’s E’s setup for OJ to appear on the next season of Kardashians And Lamar Take Arsenic In Miami, so he can launch his own spin-off: The OJ Simpson Mystery Hour, in which Simpson marries a woman who is brutally murdered, and must run from the police to prove he didn’t do it.
Each and every week.
For six seasons and a movie.
Georgia Salpa’s boobs saved a busload of school children from an oncoming train in a hurricane on a tsunami.
In other Georgia Salpa news; her ass rescued a puppy that got stuck down a well, and her legs cured a blind man of leprosy. He didn’t have leprosy, but now he has it even less.
Thank you once again, Georgia Salpa’s boobs!