After a week away, liveblogging/liveanimating The Liverpool Improvathon, we’re back to our regularly scheduled Celebrity News…
Dick Van Dyke gets married
Forlorn tween fans weep.
Dick Van (penismobile to his friends), who is now approximately as old as the stars, got married last week to 40 year old makeup artist Arlene Silver. They are now to be collectively known as ‘The Dykes’, which the lesbian community has adopted as proof that gay marriage does not cause suns to explode and volcanos to spurt molten puppies into the stratosphere.
Silver had been responsible for making the 500,000,000 year old Diagnosis Murder lead look billions of years younger for his tenure on the show, and every day since its cancellation in 2001.
It has still not been confirmed whether the cancellation of Diagnosis Murder was the inciting incident for the attacks on the World Trade Centre.
Rush Limbaugh a cunt,
After verbally assaulting a student on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh looks like he might be getting sued for his cocktitude.
“It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex.”
said Limbaugh, who doesn’t grasp how taxes work.
“She’s having so much sex she can’t afford contraception.”
I don’t know about you, but I can handle both having sex, and also being paid. Sometimes I do both at the same time.
“This woman is the devil, and her vagina is the fiery pits of hades. Does hell lives in the devil? Turn that around; she’s hades, her vagina is the devil. It’s got a pitchfork that pokes your asshole with its long hard shaft, rhythmically pounding, hands gliding over sweaty man flesh … what? Oh, now a word from our sponsor… uh.. Ass-troglide…”
he probably said.
Olivia Wilde turns 28.
That is news. Honestly.
Wilde, who is currently in the running for most beautiful, charming, hilarious, sextastic actress of the 21st Century, is celebrating her birthday today.
She will start of the day in a bathtub of rainbows, followed by a breakfast of kittens and male adoration.
Progressing through the day, she’ll punch a racist unicorn in the face, climb a ladder and give the sun a hug, then retire to a crack den, where she intends to hand freshly picked daffodils to all the addicts, reminding them that there is beauty in the world, and life isn’t so bad after all.
Her day will conclude with a violent assault of a parking attendant, where she will be cheered on by the entire population of Hollwood, who then all give her cakes they baked especially for her.
After all, it’s March 10th; National Olivia Wilde Day.
March 10th is also Hate A Sparrow Day, but the sparrows have all learnt to hide on March 10th, for fear of having the customary live squid thrown at their stupid little sparrow faces.
THAT IS THE NEWS.