I’ve been told I should blog more. Told by people ‘in the know’ who say things like;
We need to get you back in the public eye! You used to be in the spotlight!
… Or at least on the fringes of the spotlight… near the spotlight… from where you were, you could at the very least SEE the spotlight… or at least make it out on the horizon….
That is exactly why I fired those people years ago. But they’re back and they won’t leave me the fuck alone because I keep making music videos that somebody shows them. (That somebody might be me).
Point is, they say I should blog more – because the internet reads blogs and blogs are the stepping stone to somethingsomethingsomething. (I may have stopped listening or lost consciousness from boredom.) But nobody wants to read about a skinny Jew who makes movies/music videos/commercials, and hates on Disney a lot.
They want celebrity news.
So, here’s my facetious and sardonic roundup of the latest celebrity news that came up when I googled ‘Celebrity news’.
Paul Weller is releasing a new album that 6Music declares is “a major departure for the star.” - It is indeed. I would have never expected Paul Weller to release a dubstep album either, but it seems the man loves his glitchy dub rhythms.
I guess that means it’s time to cash in and reform my French cover band “La Confiture”. Not that we were a major success the first time round – probably due to my French not being great, and having to translate all the songs using babelfish, so the lyrics ended up… well… if you translate them back, they look like this:
I am going into the ground (and into hiding) / As the shiny bands play games and foots begin to to Franc.
Peter Andre (still taken from his 6-part documentary “where the sky is”) will return to the jungle for I’m A Celebrity. Or at least that’s what the producers are telling him. Insiders say Andre’s first challenge will be to parachute into a live volcano and die. He is reported to be very excited at the prospect, and assures his fans that;
“Nobody dies on thier arse like Peter Andre…. Which is me.
I’m him, you know?
(waits for nod from his agent)
Yeah. I’m him. Andie Peters. And I’m going to do this Vulcan thing.
(Andre catches his reflection in the camera lens and the room loses him for two minutes)
Hey, do you have any crayons?”.
Bee Gee Robin Gibb is apparently recovering from cancer. This is news to me, because I assumed all the Bee Gees died off years ago. For the moment, it seems he is… urgh… Staying Alive.
According to someone somewhere, Gay celebrity fitness instructor Angie Dowds died after falling off a cliff. I’m going to take that to mean she was gay, a celebrity and a fitness-instructor – rather than limiting her clientelle to gay celebrities.
Either way, it proves once and for all that gays don’t bounce.
Coldplay may or may not perform a celebrity duet on X-Factor. Their fans would tune in, but are so feeble and pathetic they have trouble lifting the remote, let alone pressing buttons.
When their care workers come in the next day to change thier bedpans, they’ll be sure to inform them just how much Coldplay sucked – not only on the show, but in their day-to-day lives also.
And that’s it for my celebrity news roundup
You may now get back to your uneventful lives while I drink only the finest alcohol from the diamond-studded vaginas of supermodels in a variety of exotic locations.
For example, right now I am currently in a dumpster drinking expired cider from the cooch of Naomi Sims.
What do you mean she died two years ago? That doesn’t make it any the less extravagant – do you know how difficult it is to exhume a corpse with a hand trowel?