It’s Britney’s birthday; and all her celebrity ‘friends’ are celebrating by… tweeting?
Flava Flav is back on TV, but this time he’s not going to spend all day in a chlamydia ridden hottub full of whores.
Oh, and Katie Price does absolutely nothing – other than have great boobs.
Well done her.
Marriage addict and baby-maker Britney Spears turns 30
The internet is all excited because Britney Spears managed to not die in the last three decades. Nobody seems to care that almost 500,000 other babies were also born on that same day and time – especially not the celebrity denizens of Twitter.
“happy birthday shoutout to my friend
@britneyspears“
says Justin Bieber, unaware that capital letters exist, anxious for attention because nobody has talked about him for ten minutes.
Similarly, an attention-starved Paris Hilton decided to create a video message for Britney whilst in her shower, rather than simply call up her friend and say hello.
The birthday videos continued as bourbon-mouthwash-advocate, and money-fan Ke$ha also made one to say hello. Probably because nobody in America will take her calls.
Personally I decided to avoid the video route, because my face is far too precious to be caught on a camera. Instead I opted to remind Britney that her time is up, and Michael York will be coming for her…
As everyone knows, during the filming of Logan’s Run Michael York received a head injury, and has since been taking it upon himself to mercilessly slaughter anyone he discovers has just turned 30. My sources tell me that due to this fact, Britney is celebrating her birthday by locking and barricading her doors and windows, arming herself to the teeth, and hiding under the bed for the day. And night. And the rest of time.
All Britney Spears music videos from now on will be shot on Skype, featuring the singer trying to lipsync by torchlight.
Flava Flav will be partipating in Celebrity Wife Swap.
There are so many questions that this raises, but let’s focus on the immediate ones: Is this really necessary? Does he need the coin that bad? Why do foxed have triangular faces? What do my cat and dog do while I’m out of the house?
Back to Flava; bear in mind that this is a man who spent three seasons of a reality show swapping fluids with a collection of whores while Brigette Nielsen sat in the corner lifting weights and grunting disapprovingly like a judgemental she-demon. I think there was even one episode where she sprouted wings and used her hideous man-muscles to pick up cars and hurl them at the hot tub full of whores. Which they rightly deserved.
Anyway, he’ll be swapping wives with Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider:
Twisted Sister only existed for 2-3 years as far as I recall, and that was in the mid 80′s. I imagine he’s been doing something since, but I neither know nor care, and can therefore make no witty statements other than in this picture he looks like a rock ‘n’ roll Jimmy Saville who is about to simulate the act of fellatio on a microphone – which is certainly better than the exploits of the real Jimmy Saville, what with his predilection for dead young boys and all.
Katie Price has officially been declared “the most searched celebrity of 2011″
The poll was conducted by Yahoo who decided this warranted a press release. Other press releases recently sent out by Yahoo include:
“The most searched celebrity followed by the words ‘nude’, ‘topless’, ‘sex’, or ‘antigravity’ of 2011″
“The most searched sexual acts involving household objects of 2011″
“The most searched houses in relation to terror suspicion of 2011″
“The most searched body cavities by airport security of 2011″
These lists caused controversy across all major media outlets due to the revelation that they were entirely falsified. Yahoo followed those press releases with one admitting that that their “lists of 2011″ were compiled not from data they mined via monitoring search results, but were written from scratch by a man named Gavin Wankbetter, who worked in their Cake Frosting Department. Gavin Wankbetter, formerly of Yahoo’s Elephant Grooming Section, was also responsible for 2009′s “How many jellybeans in the jar” controversy, in which six people died.
Posted in 
Tags: