Under normal conditions, these columns are monthly and are deconstructing the Disney movies in order of release, done in a very mature, factual, not at all childish manner and are entirely expletive-free. But it’s Christmas, so I’m doing something different as a gift to you all.

The pre-Christmas special is already up, this is  (obviously) the Christmas special, and in another three days there’ll be a post-Christmas special, for no reason whatsoever.

So it back, relax, have a bit of turkey and splash it down with egg nog so you don’t choke yourself to death, and enjoy my merciless slaughter of Disney’s hate crime against all of humanity,  the 48-minute audiovisual sensory rape that is… A Disney Christmas Gift.

This TV special was first broadcast in 1982;  a year which saw the first International Day Of Peace (six died), the Falklands War, The death of John Belushi, and the invention of Cheese Handcuffs.  Yet ‘A Disney Christmas Gift’ is undoubtedly the worst thing to happen to humanity in that awful year.

Famously, in 1982 Disney had been experimenting with Quantum Dialysis. The result of their research has led to the opening of this 48 minute show being FOUR HOURS LONG.  No word of a lie.  Sure, I didn’t look at a clock at any point while watching it – but it definitely felt that long.  An awful, awful made-up Christmas song kicks off and NEVER. FUCKING. ENDS.

It’s not even a passably shit Christmas song. It’s certainly not as good as MY awful made-up Christmas song:
(which also has a VIDEO.  I am so very, very sorry.)

Their song seriously never ends.  It might be narrating the show – but it doesn’t seem like it, because THERE IS NO FUCKING STORY.  Just shaky footage of Santa that looks like he’s a Technicolor bigfoot traipsing through people’s houses.

The singing doesn’t end there. No. Disney want anyone who watches this to suffer.  And they’re loving every second of my pain. It feeds them, makes them more powerful that you could possibly imagine.

We shift from the first song about how great Christmas is, to a second song… about how great December is.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love musicals as much as the next mostly-straight guy, but I make the distinction of liking GOOD musicals.  This is not a good musical.  In fact, I’ve shat better musicals – and I can only just about fart a C minor scale.

Song ends, and now it’s time for a dance number with an ice skating chick and a guy who stalks and taunts her. He pushes her over, throws snowballs at her, beats her within an inch of her life – and she finds it adorable, because this is Disney, and we all know that Walt was a big fan of women being brutally assaulted.

She tries to stand up for herself – but the ice under her cracks and she almost falls down a waterfall.  I’m not going to pick apart the logic of a frozen lake that’s on top of an epically high waterfall – because that’s questioning science that the folks at Disney obviously investigated for an age before they committed this waste of celluloid to history.

And now, another song:

“It’s Mickey, Donald, Pluto, Chip ‘n’ Dale.  With them, Christmas morning will never be the same.”

How come Goofy can stand upright and talk, yet Pluto is on all fours and barks… like the dog he is?  Has nobody ever questioned that?  Similarly, how come cows make burgers AND milkshakes.  It just doesn’t seem possible for one animal to provide a healthy balanced diet – and yet they do.  It’s a miracle of nature.

I don’t know much about quantum physics Chip ‘n’ Dale, but they seem to be incredibly violent. And gender neutral. And possibly brothers.  And lovers. Did I mention violent?  It’s like Disney is trying to promote spousal abuse. And incest. Probably not the best thing to do in a family show, which will be undoubtedly be forced upon young brothers and sisters, and (older) husbands and wives.

This is the dumbest show since Stupidity: The Animated Series.

Chip ‘n’ Dale seem intent on destroying Christmas. And Mickey leaps to violence very quickly indeed – no wonder Minnie got that restraining order.  There’s only so many times she can have bones broken by ‘falling down the stairs’, ‘walking into a hammer’, or ‘tripping over a phone book into another phone book’.

That short ends – as I imagine they all do – because if they didn’t, they would be called ‘longs’, and would go on until the end of time.  It just so happens that this show FEELS like it’s going on ’til the end of time, so Disney have obviously perfected their time-warping capabilities.  Much to my dismay.

Another interstitial song and … uh… I think they’ve just sliced a piece out of Bambi.  I refuse to watch anus-bleaching Bambi again. I already had to do that earlier this month. Urgh.

“The water’s stiff”

says Thumper

“And so am I”

he concludes.

Time for another interstitial sting;

“What would Christmas be without Peter Pan.”

It would still be fucking Christmas, that’s what.  In fact, it would be a much BETTER Christmas without Peter Pan.  I guess nobody told Disney, but Peter Pan is NOT an integral part of Christmas.  Is he made of presents, snow and reindeer?  No. So fuck him.

It’s not even an original fucking cartoon – they’ve just taken a section from the fucking movie.  How fucking lazy are these Disney ballgaggers?

There is absolutely nothing fucking Christmassy about this shit.

“I’ll think about a mermaid lagoon”

You do that, Wendy.  You do that while I prepare a cocktail of pills to down with this bottle of vodka.

Damn. All I have is Vitamin B.  I don’t imagine Vitamin B overdose is particularly effective at bringing a swift death.

Why does everyone use Tinkerbell as a salt shaker?  They hold her upside-down and ‘fairy dust’ comes out.  Fairy dust – or fairy dandruff?

 I don’t know how anyone can screw up a Christmas special – but Disney have succeeded.  they’ve managed to ignore all the important elements, like fun, joy, merriment, family, turkey, drinking, passing out in a puddle of one’s own vomit. Instead, they give us a montage of their movies, as is this was all… wait… did Disney buy an hour of 1982 television just to sell some tapes?  That seems wholly unlike them and their ethos of being colossal cunts.  Oh, my mistake; that’s totally them being colossal cunts.  Who tries to sell shit to people on Christmas?  It’s not like they can go out and buy their brats the fucking movies – it’s Christmas fucking day, no stores are open.  The 1982 children will open their presents of Loony Tunes videos, tapes of the Care Bear movie and The Evil Dead. At first they’ll be jubilant because it’s exactly what they wanted.  And then Disney come along and say “oh, did you get THAT present.  You totally should have got this instead”.  And then families are torn apart; the fathers develop drinking habits and gambling debts, the mothers go into prostitution to feed their children’s Disney habit – not that they’ll get to enjoy the Disney fix, because soon they’ll have to be sold into slavery just to fund the Disney machine.

This is all fact.  Just ask Jessical Biel – she was born in 1982 and only recently managed to buy her freedom from the workhouse and pay off her family’s Disney debt.

Back to the show;  I haven’t been watching it because we’re currently up to Donald Duck twatting about like a mentally handicapped strudel poodle. He’s ruining Christmas toys for some reason – probably because ruining Christmas is point 1821 in the Disney Charter – just under stealing candy from babies, and above verbally assaulting pensioners for having ‘floppy faces’.

Next we go to… Christmas in ‘Merry Old England’.  Where Americans are living in a castle.  And Merlin is there.  I think this is The Sword In The Stone – but it might be A Stone In The  Kidney.  How the fuck is this anything to do with Christmas?  Have they just picked scenes set at night or

“Blow me to Bermuda”

says Merlin, wanting to be sucked off, it seems.  I can understand; all this stupidity is making me hard too.

“Where’s Bermuda?”

asks someone stupid

“An island somewhere that hasn’t been discovered yet.”

Right… Yeah.

Before a minute has passed, the interstitial voice pipes in;

“So begins the legend of King Arthur”

NOTHING to do with Christmas. Neither does the next snippet of not-Christmas animation from Cinderella, that is introduced with the sting;

“Wishes, Wishes, magic Christmas wishes, here’s a special Christmas wish for you.”

My Christmas wish is either that this will either end now, or I will be struck dead right this instant.

For the love of everything good and sacred in this world; they’re cutting from the fairy godmother throwing her wand around to picture-in-picture stop motion animation, on a shitty background.  Not even good stop motion – just miscellaneous characters that have NOTHING to do with Disney appearing and disappearing.

….  Then they cut back to the Cinderella clip in full screen… and then cut to Cinderella in the same shitty picture-in-picture window…  It has to be seen to be believed;

Now, is there ANY rationalisation that can be made for having the picture full screen a moment ago, and now only filling a 1/4 of the screen?

No.  A big, cum-stained no.  A fecal matter mouthwash makes more sense than this shit.  There is no reason for this show to exist, let alone be seen by anyone.  Bipeddy boppeddy fuck off.

“Merry Christmas Cinderella”

IT’S NOT FUCKING SET AT CHRISTMAS, YOU LYING DISNEY PISSDRINKERS.

And now, another ACTUALLY Christmas-related short.  Finally. With Santa and everything.  Except in this short, Santa comes down the chimney, throws soot across the living room, tells the fire off (?!?!), then goes about setting up a Christmas tree… and goes about forcing the toys to decorate it.  He then sees a drawing done by a child accompanied by the almost illegibly scrawled words ‘dear santa, may I please have a bike for christmas’.  To this, he laughs. And continues to laugh. And then laughs some more. A grotesque, evil laugh that will haunt generations for years to come.

Suddenly, the interstitial singer changes to a man. For no reason whatsoever.  But not for long – it’s back to a woman, for some shots of shitty Disney toys moving about around a Christmas tree.  It seems that this is the footage the fairy godmother was ‘conjuring’ just before we were whisked into boredom by Cinderella. Once again;  this is nothing but a commercial – and for really crappy windup toys – half of them don’t seem to work properly, others seem to throw themselves into walls, get stuck on carpets, fall over, and burst into flames.  It’s not even a good set; they’ve shoved a badly decorated Christmas tree into the corner of an office, and let some toys loose.

And if my point wasn’t already proven about this being a commercial, it ends with a title card that says

“Collect them all!”

then, Disney proceed to list all their Christmas specials, from ‘Mickey’s Christmas Carol’ and One Magic Christmas to ‘No Toys For Jews’ and  ’Santa Hates Gepetto for being a muslim’.

What absolute bastards.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

See you in three days for my last Christmas gift to you, a deconstruction of the Walt Disney World ‘Celebrate The Season’ Christmas show.  It’s going to fucking suck – and you will no doubt love ever second of my misery.

—

As always, please ‘like’ and repost if you’ve enjoyed – and why not check out my pre-Christmas special, and my previous columns for  Bambi, The Reluctant Dragon, Dumbo, Pinocchio, Fantasia and Snow White.

Or celebrate me and my words by buying one of my books, available from only £1/$1 at Amazon UK, and Amazon US.   Hurrah!