I think pretty much everyone who’s grown up in the Western world has fond memories from their childhoods of Disney movies. But fond memories are there to be destroyed, and I have taken it upon myself to bring forth the destruction, by rewatching every Disney movie ever, in release order, and ripping them to shreds with my cynical, world-weary adult eyes..
So, dear reader, please enjoy the following; my deconstruction of Disney’s very first animated feature, Snow White.
We all know the basics of the story, the pretty waif, the evil queen, the huntsman and the midgets. The poisoned apple, the sleeping and prince charming’s kiss… blah blah blah. Anyway Disney, loveable antisemite that he was, sought to capitalise on a fairy tale by the brothers Grimm, and chose Snow White. What he created, was a fairly lacklustre 40-odd minutes of film that he sold as a feature length movie.
The one redeeming feature of the films? The backgrounds. Probably the best thing about the film – seeing as the animators were so obsessed with ‘real human movements’, they apparently decided to ignore ‘real human faces’. White herself looks like a doll that’s been repeatedly beaten to the ground and sanded over until her human features are eradicated, and a mentally handicapped child with a paintbrush was let loose to define vague girl-features as they saw fit.
Now let’s get down to the film itself. Our story starts with a story book opening by itself. But it doesn’t open by itself. No, instead Disney has the pages on wires, and it looks like a retard is operating the strings. How they could manage the complicated procedures involved in cel animation, and fail at page-turning, I do not know. But they do fail. Magnificently.
We join Snow White in the palace garden, where she’s singing a fucking song into a well, which seems to echo sporadically, proving that the scriptwriters have in no basic understanding of the mechanics and behaviors of sound waves.
As her song about wanting to find love (or a shag or whatever) comes to a conclusion, she’s accosted by a man who breaks into the palace. Seriously, do they have no guards or security? No dogs or dragons or gargoyles who stand guard during the day? I don’t know much about castles, but I know they get invaded a lot. Anyway, whatever security they have is off having a wank, or lunch, or wanking over their lunch – because this guy just slips the fuck in and starts rubbing himself up against Snow White.
She plays coy at first, running and hiding, then he’s like “Hey baby, I’m a prince.” and she’s all “Oh a prince? Well then that’s cool, I’m all about princes.” and is in love with him. Instantly. This, 90 seconds into the movie, is where Snow White stops becoming a role model for little girls, and begins her decline into massive whorish cuntitude.
We’re taken to the queen, who in retrospect isn’t so bad (apart from being a mental, vain bitch), asking the mirror who’s the prettiest (sluttiest) in all the lands. Turns out it’s usually her (Really? Really..? This mirror has low standards.) The mirror says “Hellz no, bitch! Snow White just totally hooked up with this dude, and he was a borderline rapist, so she’s slut número uno today.” The queen gets pissed. However, rather than using the magics she employs later to dispatch with her whorish stepdaughter, she sends some dooshbag to kill her on his behalf.
Off Snow goes to the forest, at no point questioning why the hell the huntsman, a professional murderer by trade, is accompanying her. He attacks her, but for whatever reason (a tugjob just off-screen, I’m guessing) he lets her go.
Now, at this point, Snow White rcould have just gone to her dad, or the prince, or pretty much anyone, and said “queen’s a fucking bitch, yo. Kill that ho for me.” and they totally would. Instead, she runs and runs and runs, until it’s night and we learn that Ho White is afraid of her own fucking shadow.
It’s here that she meets her woodland ‘friends’. Note the inverted commas on ‘friends’, because she treats them like they’re the crusty dried semen she washes off herself every morning. I imagine this is why she consorts with her rapists, rather than finding and settling down with a nice boy. She’s all “I’m gonna move in with you bitches.” and the squirrels are like “Sure, bitch, if you can fit in a tiny hole in a motherfucking tree.” Snow is not amused by this, and reacts accordingly.
“Well, go find me somewhere else to stay, you cockshittig fuckbuckets.”
she seems to say.
This is what brings her to the abode of the dwarfs.
The animals, trying to get rid of her one imagines, try to leave her at the door – but on looking inside, she has a bitchfit, and wails on them
“Clean this spunkhole up, you cum-gargling ballbags.”
she decrees, and does a dance with a broom while they do all the hard work. But they are plotting vengance…
After a long day of singing, they encourage Snow to go to sleep… Soon, revenge will be at hand.
Cut to: The Mine
The Dwarfs are singing and mining. They take their many, many jewels, put them in a shed outside the mine, lock the door… And then hang the key up NEXT TO THE BALL-GAGGING DOOR.
Seriously. What the fuck? Are the jewels worth anything? If not, why are they mining? And if they are, why are they living in squalor? Does anything in this fucking film make sense?
Anyway, so the dwarfs (not ‘dwarves’, apparently) return to their house; the animals hear them come on in, and hatch their ingenious plan to has Snow White bumped off…
Plan part 1) They make noises.
Plan part 2) ?
Plan part 3) Ho White be dead.
The plan works anyway. The dwarfs freak out, believing that bird tweetings are demon howls, and make their way upstairs to the bedroom with murder in mind.
I was blown away at this extended scene, in which a literal murder plot is hatched. They get all the way to the bed, raise their axes, hammers and picks and wail them down on the body under the covers – only stopping at the last second.
They came a few inches from horribly murdering a (slutty) child, and this entire scene is played like comic relief. What the hell, Disney?
Snow wakes up and the dwarfs, having never fucked anything beardless and over four-foot tall before, introduce themselves. I think Doc is the most suspicious of the lot… The rest all have adjectives as names, and are the personification of their monikers. Apart from him – and he has trouble forming sentences, let alone performing medical procedures. I wouldn’t be shocked to discover than in addition to not being a doctor, in wide shots he would be revealed to be a full-grown man walking on his knees – he seems far too anxious amongst the other (real) dwarfs…
So, our heroine ‘convinces’ the dwarfs to let her stay. With her vagina, one imagines. The Queen, meanwhile, tracks her down. She discovers that Snow has out-slutted her by having nightly bukkake parties with her seven little friends and the entire animal population of the forest. She turns up dressed as a crone, and gives her stepdaughter an apple that makes her pass out. An apple a day does *not* keep the doc away, it seems. I imagine every night he’s probably jacking off all over her.
Now we come to the finale. What distinguishes the latter third of Snow White from the entire plot of Sleeping Beauty escapes me – lazy writing on the Grimm’s part, if you ask me. I imagine the conversation went thusly:
“What shall we do for our next story, Gunter?”
“I do not know, Heinrich. I am out of ideas. And we are out of toilet paper.”
“Why don’t you shit on the glass table, while I lie underneath it. And why don’t we just rehash the plot of our previous story?”
“A fantastic idea, my brother. Let’s make love to celebrate it.”
(That last part may have been a bit of Heath-Ledger-post-Brokeback slashfic…)
Anyway, the rest is pretty much wrapped up in about 5 minutes; Pimp Charming (who, let’s not forget, is a rapist) re-appears, and goes at her in front of the dwarfs, who wank themselves off in the background, and then everyone lives happily ever after – until they die months later, because they’ve all had unprotected sex with Snow White, and she has more diseases than Africa.
The lesson we learn? Always wear a condom, kids!
See you next time for 1940′s narrativeless headfuck Fantasia.