Sharif Sheriff. Saloon. Talking…. to Josie.

He’s still in love with Tom.  Who walked out the door. And. Plot. Recanted in song.

But she is convinced she will… win him back?  Maybe?  I got distracted by an alcohol.

Horses have a marketing slogan:

“Horses – they’re good for transportation.”

They speak of Bear’s desire to form a gang, and Cecil wants to be BAD again. It was good to be bad, he says. Cecil Shit-storms out, determined to do be BAD.

Strange things afoot at The Fruit Palace

Doc.  Doc offers to bring ‘one a week’….

One dead person a week. He gets to enjoy murdering them, Gray (who’s name will almost definitely alternate between containing an ‘a’ or ‘e’ as the British and American linguistic sides of my brain battle for control.) gets to bury them and be paid for it.

That aside might have been longer than this plot update.  It will only get worse.

Once I saw a moose.

He sings a sing.  A song.

The Bear discussion ends swiftly, and now it is revealed that the Ranger admires Will Stanton greatly, and he was his favorite prisoner.

Every time Will and Katie try to have a moment alone, they find themselves interrupted by the rest of the family.

Will wants his Ranch back from… someone.  The word ranch obviously doesn’t need a capital R, but in that sentence it felt like it deserved one, because the W felt lonely.

In the form of song that I missed.  Something about finding a Canadian Maple Cactus at the Mexican border.

And maybe killing Mexicans.  Which I’m ok with, as long as the Mexican has mowed my fucking lawn furst.

Furst?  First.  Shut your stupid oblongly judgemental face.

He tells her of how he became a better man by gaining a conscious.

He gives her his flag, they throw shucks at one another, and go to The Fruit Palace together.

The problem with liveblogging only once a year, is that I forget there is no rewind at a live improvized show. And also I want a sammich or a coffee or something. Bring me that. Thank you.

The Mexicans don’t take kindly to being tricked into a Poker GANG rather than a Poker GAME.

Stupid Mexicans.

She has a business plan for her prostitutatitationing.

And something else happened.

Dosie insists they are just drawings, and bear no relevance to real life happenstances.  She is made to explain what is a’happening in each of them there drawations.

And we’re be back in 15 minutes…  come by The Kazimier to see EPISODE TWO in SOON!

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s the triumphant startation of…

Episode Two: The plot thickenses.

Doctor Quim – She’s a Doctor! And loves curing!

And I totally missed her name.  Balls.

Santon and The Mexicans have a history – and a confrontation begins in the form of a slow dance…

… that leads to… A DANCE OFF.

“This is the meat table. This is the meat rack. This is where you put the saws when you’re done.”

She is not comfortable with his method of doctoring, and advises he sets up consultation rooms and cures people.  He does not like ‘alternative medicine’, but nonetheless suggests a competition.

“You can talk to them… talk the bullets out.  And I’ll cut them.  And the loser can undergo the other’s surgery.”

He talks in quandaries and riddles, but leads up to revealing that evil is coming back to their clean and fair city.

Also… Dingleweed has drawings of something the Sheeerriff was a’doing in the past.

Oooooooooh.

She is in charge of The Fruit Palace, and is foreign or something. Sally and Stan go to visit.

Americana has a problem eating her own fruit.  She also lives in the big yellow room above the big yellow bannana. Which the shop has.

Oh, and Sally and Stan had sex maybe.

“You know when you’re at The Fruit Palace, but you want to be at the hotel, but it’s two blocks away, and you only have one leg.”

It’s going well.

Turns out Katie is jealous of Jessie’s success.  And Jessie is part-timing the solicitation with a job at The Fruit Palace.

Did I mention Katie married Will Stanton, Jessie’s uncle, when she was 4?  And that they are the only two 17 year olds in town, used to be friends, and now Jessie hates her?  That’s a lot of backstory, that a better narrator would have filled in earlier probably.

But you’re stuck with me, so deal with it.

Fucking Mexicans.

They all hate Will Stanton.  He owes The Mexicans money, and killed the Wilson’s father.  (Which I probably should have mentioned earlier)

But all of that doesn’t matter, because The Mexicans are there to buy some new Tumbleweed that’s rolled into town.

Speaking of The Town, the story of their dance off has spread across the land, and the rumor is… The Mexicans lost.

But let’s be honest, there are no winners in a dance off.

The children make fun of him:

“You’re like a bear because you got stuck down her honey hole”

“You’re like a bear because you pole’er”

He is not amused.  Dosie laughs at him also:

“They can’t spell for shit, but they’re good at jokes.”

Bear offers the children money to be his gang.  They accept.  But there’s one catch…

To get the money… they have to help him… rob the bank while the town celebrates it’s anniversary.

After the dance off at the Salloooon, they consider confiscating all the town’s boots.

They decide the way to deal with him is to find the best dancer, with moves like Jagger, to defeat him.

A Jagger-off between the best Jaggers in town.

Shitstalker is not very good at swishing his coat.

Americana is very good at not inducting, and instead is pining over Shitstalker.

She tells him her can swish if he truly believes in himself.  Well… sings…

The result is Jessie telling them of the Jagger-off.  Shitstalker is encouraged to Jag-off in front of the whole town.

And Jag-off he shall.

The diagnosis continues… two minutes before the switch over…

Then one minute… he needs his lungs checked… anally.

… then it’s time for the doctors to switch methods… and the scene ends.

“None of us have kneecaps – we sold them… for you!”

The children have also been robbing people.  Like, y’know, children do these days.

The children get into bank formation, and Bear raps out how to rob a bank, the key being: the bass gets heavy when the funk gets dropped.

They remember him from back in his bad-man days, and are happy to help with his (erection?) problems.

They offer him a blue diamondular tumbleweed to assist him with his issues.

He’s instructed to only take one – but is given thirty two.

“Like they do in Paris… Le Pagent de… la femme… beau?”

D/Josie advises that the children be used in the pagent – Sal realizes he hasn’t seen children around for a while, and she mentions they’ve been with Bear.

“Bear’s what we call a gateway crimelord…”

They Cacti make innuendo whilst Sally asks Katie to be her friend (for she only has a love, but no friends), whilst Katie has no friends, but also a… lover…

Ok, so they’re in the same situation.  Take that ‘whilst’ out yourself, the delete key is all the way to the right of the keyboard, and I am a very busy man.

In retrospect I should have hit delete a few times, rather than type out a lengthy explanation and then an explaination of that explaination, whilst forgetting how to spell explanation in the process.

Something else happened in the meantime, I’m sure.

We discover that Dingleberry is very good at counting up to one.  He is to hide behind the totem pole and count up to two.  He learns two in this process.

“I can draw stuff that happens, that happens in my head, and that happens in the future.”

He is to look through the totem pole hole, and draw what he sees.

They talk in ‘Improv German’ so their scheme remains secret.

Gardens is revealed to be his father – and Cecil reveals to be going to Jag-Off classes.

Also, they have a plan to take over the town…. AND KILL EVERYONE!

And that’s it for episode two – come down to The Kazimier in the next 20 minutes to see EPISODE THREE!

AND NOW… a message from our dear, sweet sponsor:

HELP SAVE MELLO MELLO!

Welcome to Episode 3: The Plot Thickenerenerens Furtherer

Will wants to teach Katie how to shoot in case he’s not around.  He throws a rock as a bird flies by, and shoots them both with one bullet.

Katie tries to do the same, and… uh… misses?

So Will gets her a turkey. And she misses again.

And with that, they make love.

The Wilson brothers.  Are chasing each other. Drinking as they run.  In the Sallloooon.

They ask for a drink called a Prairie Fire.

“That’s the ingredients of a Prairie Fire; piss, gin and fire.  The fire burns the gin out, so it’s mostly hot piss.”

Seems the saloon used to be owned by the brothers’s's’s father.  Perhaps they can settle this with… a BELLY OFF.

Or maybe just a drink off.  And the prize?  The deed for the saloon – or the deed for the tumbleweed farm…

The Wilson’s dead father inhabits one of them and convinces the other that he can win….  but WHO WILL WIN?

Frankly, we’re all winners, aren’t we?

First thing first:  Mexicans must live on the other side of the tracks.

“Don’t ask what Borderline can do for you, ask what you can do for me!”

He decrees everyone to have the best celebrations of any town ever; a pageant… and a Jagger-off!

We are serenaded with the town song.  Which inevitably turned into a rap.

The homoerotic subtext is fairly heavy.  Like… a big, gay elephant.

The Mexicans mock him for not having a gun.

“Don’t need a gun: I can out-talk you guys, I can out-fart you guys – but I’m not doing either of those things!”

Somehow they all become friends, and Stan reminds them that they’re not outcasts, because they own the ranch, and productivity is up ten percent.  The Mexicans invite him to go into business with them.

First, he decides to teach them how to smile, instead of always pulling guns on everyone.

The way to do this?  The way to become an (and I quote – not misspell) Masqueline Man?  Poetry.

Also, stools.

But mostly poetry.  And parental encouragement.

The result of this?  His swooshes become better…

And with more (albeit sarcastic) parental encouragement… even better…

With even more pretendable parental encouragement…. EVEN even better.

And then we discover that the Germans built America.

“This is the cuddle chair, and this is the chop-it-off chair.”

“Your learnin’ don’t make sense to me”

“That’s just cause you’re so dumb…”

Have I been calling him Tom Stanton?  I feel like that’s someone’s name, and I’m too lazy to check.

He’s forlorn… from deep down… in his groin.

The only way it can be undone, is if the sherriffifififfff… makes him (Ranger) fall in love with him (sheriff).

That is all.

People are drinking drinks, when Dinglewingly talkatalks to Will Stanton when the Wilsons come in a’taunting him.  Stanton comes to his aid, and teaches him how to be a man.

“My name is Dingleweed!”

“That’s why I’ve been saying ‘Fuck you, Dingleweed’”.

Stanton takes Dingleweed off to drink whisky – and will see those who mocked him… at the Jagger-off!

It seems I am steadily losing interest in keeping track of character names.  This will only get worse as new characters are introduced, and I call them “hat head” and “beard face”.

Sheriff questions how the taughtcher be paying for school make happenings – the people of the city pay, but they don’t know how much or what or how.

“Why don’t you spit it out if you can’t spell.”

That sums up my ability to say words propergood in times of nowish.

Sheriffman go leave room threaten taughting of what if her nephew be llowed to do what ere he wants to be doings.

Off they go to do away with her husband, Will Stanton…

“I’ve got a tiny mini-gun…”

Doc reveals that Bear got the teacher pregnant, the child was born six months ago, and he’s in her class…  He doesn’t seem to take the news well.

Oh, wait.  Plot.

All the women seem disgruntled with their place in society and the way mens be do talking of at and to with by them.

“I even get that before the afterwards because I don’t even get an afterwards.”

That is an actual quote… We’re 5.5 hours through, and that sentence is was and be do is was has been said.

Again: professional writer.

MAN

because he is now a real

MAN

and not a

like he was before.

Stan had scene seen Cecil learning to be a man with Sally, and took it to be a woman-man-love-thing, and not a teach-taughting-to-be-a-man thing.

Which is might well be.  Stan is going to

Ask her.

Also, the Germans know Stan is having erection problems.

This scene description has been brought to you by paragraph styles, which I often forget exist.

She and one of the Wilson brothers, who has a name, asks her how her trip to the future was.  It was good.

Did I mention her trip to the future?  Probably.  I say lots of things, and you’re reading them all, you poor, poor bastards.

“A lot of people don’t have the opportunities you’ve had – a lot of people stay in the present… most people…”

Seems Sally and Wilson brother knew one another in the past, and may or may not have been doing things in each others pants in a time gone by. Sexy things, not defecatory things.  It wasn’t that kind of relationship.  Probably.

Oh wait, plot:

She asks him if he has a girlfriend, and he does not, because he’s been spending time thinking about his father (not quite the same if you ask me…)

He asks if she has anyone, and she runs away, like women always do.

He blames himself, and promises he will stay away from the Jag-Off.

And that’s it for episode three!  Come by The Kazimier over the next 20 minutes for the next episode – it’s much funnier in real life!

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

EPISODE FOUR: Things happen, and then some.

Catastrophe Joan – She’s a cowgirl, or something.

“If you could have dinner with any celebrity who would it be?”

Yeah, it’s a good review.  If I were to review that review, I would give it five out of four stars.

The brothers decide the only way to deal with Sal Oon, their only employee and former owner of the bar, is to go double and nothing, and that he put his haunted gold mine that’s built over an Indian burial ground on the table. but if Sal wins, Whipper will jump off a cliff, and Sal will go to the bottom of his gold mine for ever and ever.

Not a great deal, if you ask me, but at least it’s a bit of plot that’s happened, and I’ve reported it almost vaguely accurately, if not with perhaps too many commas.

“We haven’t had any deaths in the whole year this town has been open, well, some Chinamen died, but nobody’s counting them.”

I thought ‘ballad’ had at least one ‘r’, but spell check tells me ‘Brarllrard’ is not a word.

Fuck spellcheck down it’s stupid little cockhole.

“If you were to make someone up, who would it be?”

She helps him through his problems; first of all, working up the courage to tell him how he feels.  While that’s going on, she’ll go talk to his wife.

Scratch that.  She’s going to come with him while he talks to Will, and hold his hand.  Because that makes sense.

“I’m gonna abandon the lot of you”

Fantastic parenting.  I commend it highly, despite not having any children of my own.  Not any more, anyway..

Turns out Bear’s son is very good at talking for only 6 months old, and called “Cub”. Duh.

He takes his son and leaves.

“You are the overripe banana in your lovers hand.”

Together, the fruit wenches teach him he will learn to love again… or… something.

I probably should have paid attention, instead of watching and laughing.

They are drinking and dancing, while a man is being sawn apart for a game of ‘catch the spleen’.

Doc chooses this merry ol’ time to fire Doctor Quim.

Boom.

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

In my absence, the previous episode ended with a MEXICAN STANDOFF.

How did this stand off?  It was distracted by LOCUSTS.

CAPS LOCK, bitch.  Deal with it.

It’s time for

EPISODE FIVE: BACK A BLOGGIN’

So. Here we go…

Doc doesn’t feel like their arrangement is working

Something happened, but I was being distracted by excuses.

Of the triumverate, she has a favorite, whom she is feeding up to be a fat fat fatty.

“Come on now, there are enough lardbeans for everyone!”

Um. I think they might all be married.  To her.  Rather than to each other, because even Mexican brothers can’t marry.

Canadian brothers can marry, but Mexican’s can’t, and America is 50/50 – which kinda makes sense.

The Mexicans decide to use their wife as a bargaining tool to get civic rights.

MUSICAL NUMBER!  ABOUT CIVIC RIGHTS FOR MEXICANS!

CAPS LOCK!

CAPS LOCK, AND PARAGRAPH SYLE!

Sometimes I think I could very easily sit in a room by myself, liveblogging thoughts, and be perfectly entertained.
And I’d be right.  When they found my body they’d go “Uh…. huh…”.

Oh, wait. The scene just ended.

Woman and man talking of things.

Therapy scene as Sally speaks to the mayor… about Jews.  No, about racial sensativity.

“No, they don’t have horns.”

“Isn’t that why they wear those little hats?”

There was almost definitely plot, and now there are Woody Allen impressions.

Suddenly, Sally falls to the ground.  And the Mayor realizes how beautiful she is…

He is there to do stock checking.  Which involves counting.

Wilsonbrother gives him a ‘magic’ coin, which makes him better at things.  He can now count, and also throw insults back at people when they throw them at him.

It’s like catch, but with words.

Cords.

Watch.

No. Neither of those work. Fuck it.

See:

“Fuck you, cactus!” says Bulllllweeeeeed to cactus.

There is also a cactus there.

“You’ve got so many eyes, and they’re all better than the last one”

Did I mention they were drunk?

“Your mustache is better than a sheep.”

Definitely drnk.

Drunk.

Shut up.

They sing, about finding love.

Backtracking:  I think this is the Sherreerererefis plan to get make the Texan ranger his TeXXXan ranger.

Yup.  It is.

Stan Pede wants to be a badass also.

They used to be bad asses together.  Then Stan’s ass got better.  Now he wants it… uh… worse?

Cessssssssillll tells Stan that Sally is a Cougar, who has lured him into a trap.

He is also laughing a lot.  Which I do not think is internationals.

What?

Intentional.  Fuckpigswithsticks.

Where were we?

The two men decide that they shouldn’t fight over a woman.

Cessil offers to help him get ‘badder’.  Stan already has a bad back; so that’s a start…

The only way they can definitely get the badness out… is with SONG.

At the conclusion, Stan knows what he has to do…

“What about old Bill?”

“Well he was old, he died.  Young Bob’s still around.  Middle-aged Ted, he’s doin’ alright too.”

They talk of the good times, and the good people.  Then get distracted.  Then get back to the point. Then the scene ends.

Unfortunately, as Bear enters, he discovers the Sheffffrrffff and Texanstrager in a compromising position, which they pass off as “how you take down a dangerous person who is lying on their back”.

Bear uses his knowledge of their lustygoingson to… uh… do something.

The child, being Cub.  The father, being Bear.

Unless I missed her mothering another child while I was distracted.

She broods in song.  You know, how most brooding is done.

Batman does most of his brooding in song.  Some in interpretive dance, but most of it is in song.

And some in bagpipe solos.

Most in Song.

A little in vitruvian throat singing.  But, as established, most in song.

Where were we?

Josie might well be tripping on tumbleweeds, haunted by hullucinations of zombie sons chasing her down.

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Doctor Quim (who nine hours in, I start to think might actually be called ‘Doctor Quinn’, like the TV show, not Quim, like a vagina.) is at The FRUIT PALACE, where she wants to make a thing about health and wellbeing and vitamins and whatever.

Americana is more interested in getting Jessie back than she is sponsoring health and welbeing.

I’m more interested in someone baking a cake like my face...

Meanwhile, they’re going to do something!  Woo!

Sally is talking out loud about her missingness of Billy.  Wilson. Yes.

When, as it so happens, Billy walks by.

She wants to be with Billy, but is living with Stan (… who is trying to win her back from Cecil… who she is not with…)

“It’s like a palace for a glacier.”

Billie doesn’t want to get in the way… and Sally doesn’t know what she wants…

Suddenly, Will has his pants down.

“Make me sheriff!  You say yes, and I’ll stick a knife up your ass – is that what you want me to do?”

“Yes!”

“Are you really here? …. Am I?”

She asks him for something to make her not be hullicinating dead babies, baby-shooting husbands, honking bisons and man-eagles.

Her suggestion is “a big lump of meat in some bread”. I concur.  Someone get me a fucking cheeseburger.

He berates her; if she would let a kid being shot in the head (in a hullucination?), then she’s better off being a whore than a schoolteacher (for those are THE only two careers for womens.  That and professional hopscotcher.)

Something else was said, and the scene ended.

Hello. I am paying attention.

Oh look – Darkness!

Jessie wants Mexican rights.

Bear wants a party

Dinglydell wants a good hanging.  It’s been a while since a lynching.

One of the Mexicans (yes, I’m sure thy all have names…)  has herpes, and has a very sore penis.  The mayor gives him a cactus to scratch himself with.

Doc suggests they have a problem with the Jag-Off, as some people might not know Mick Jagger, and need Jagger lessons.

Shefriff Insertname wants her his name on his door… and then:

Will asks for Chlamydia Catastrophe Jane to be made sheriff…

“Our lips are chapped from the sun, and our cocks are chaffed by the cactus.”

The Mexicans do what they do best; harass women, and … uh… yeah?

They’re building their own town!  On the outskirts of the current town! They want Americana to join them!   Doctor Quim worries that the five of them will have far too much herpes if she joins them.

And with that… the episode ends.

Come to The Kazimier over the next 20-some minutes for EPISODE SOMETHING!

HELP SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s EPISODE… uh… EIGHT? SEVEN? TWELVE?

Fuck it, let’s say eight.

Bear burnt his house down, so he had to kill a sheep.
Josie is running both the school and the saloon.
Tom is still a Texas Ranger, and still loves men.
Doc now enjoys surgically altering children, and finding people’s favorite thing and subsequently destroying it.
Cecil and Grey are still father and son.  Grey is still disappointing in him.
Will and Katie are still married.
Dingleweed, Catastrophe and Cracker are hunting Mexicans.  For a reason.
The Mexicans are being hunted by Dingleweed, Catastrophe and Cracker.  Again, for a reason.
Sal Loon is running “the twattiest place in borderline”.  It is “Totes amazeballs”
Sally is going to have a gunfight.  She has a gun and everything.
Stan is also going to have a gunfight.  With Sally, I guess.
Whipper Billie is ‘the artistic director of borderine.  He is also missing his brother.
Americana and Jessie are going to start a new life together away from everything and everyone.  And they might be lovers now.
“Lesbos in the house” I am informed.
So, yes, they might well be lovers.
Mayor Stanton isn’t going to let the arson and gunfights get in the way of the impending town celebrations.
Sherrif Sheriff Thingface is now angry at men.  Aren’t we all?  Men are dicks. And have dicks. But also are dicks.

And here we go…

The Mexicans are prancing and dancing, in that way Mexicans don’t.  To someone, they must be formidable.  Mimes, perhaps?

The three non-Mexicans, who all have names, surround them.  The drummer hits drums to add tension.  It mostly adds volume. But also tension.

The ‘mericans have all the dynamite they can carry on their backs… but the Mexicans have pistols…

They throw the dynamite into the ranch!

And!

The Mexicans throw it elsewhere!

Dingleweed is captured!

One of the Mexicans is captured!

Stand off! With Mexicans! It’s a… uh… Stand off with Mexicans!

The ‘mericans offer to trade.  And then don’t trade – they’re kidnapping the Mexican, and leaving Dingleydong as a prisoner!

They step over a big rock.  That’s how fathers and sons bond.  If you are a father and you have not walked over a big rock with your son then you are a fucking awful parent, and should ave your face melted by searing hot badgers.

Cecil wants to tell his father what he has done.  But he can’t.  Then he does:

The doctor gave him ‘stuff’.  Catnip, it seems.

Grey feels like he’s failed as a father.

I feel the same way.

Doc is now from Yorkshire. And wants Bear to apologize for not making more effort.

He’s also been doing a lot of catnip.

Bear refuses to accept something something.

Doc is still tripping balls.

“The town has been around for minus one years!”

Will’s double (Willternate?) is a lovely, softly spoken man who insists Jessie is both Drew Barrymore, and on community service.  Whilst also not being allowed to speak.

She just wants to cook sausages.

Subsequently, she calls the town a hellhole, and is taken to jail.

The smoke of fires from a place are visible from.. eyes.

Will’s got a cough.  He has a lozenge to make him not cough.

High drama stakes here, folks.

Turns out he might have a case of Capricorn (remember when he went to the doctor fucking DECADES ago?)

Katie tells him to be careful, and doesn’t know what she’d do if she ever lost him.  She should tie string or a bell to him, then she wouldn’t have to worry about that.

She’s both a schoolteacher and a sallooooon owner, remember?  I didn’t.

Sal.  She’s going to visit Sal, who seems to be running a trendy hipster bar that nobody is visiting because it’s THAT DAMN COOL.

Also, someone stole his gramophone.

“I hit you and you give me a job?  What if I kick you in the fanny?”

She offers him his old job back.  At the saloon that used to be his.

They decide they should go back to their old jobs.  Yes.

Catastrophe and Mexican are dancing.  Or maybe on horseback.

Dimbleby is being violently assaulted by Other Mexican.

Cracker and Third Mexican are dueling.

Scratch that.  Cracker and Third Mexican have stopped fighting and decide to find their comrades/brothers.  Also, they’re holding hands.

And now the stage is opened up.  Because of stagecraft.

All three scenes are brought together, everyone is friends, and the ‘mericans encourage the ‘exicans are encouraged to win the Jag-Off.

Each of them demonstrate their moves like Jagger.

The ALL have moves like Jagger.

So. They have to find a way to combine their Jagging skills into one ULTIMATE JAGGER.

“Did you have fun traveling through time?”

Despite not wanting to talk about the duel, they talk about the duel.

Cecil interrupts his… practice…  He has a plan.

What if Stan bottles it?  What if he misses?  Cecil suggests a practice, going over to Sal Oons, and shooting.. uh… Sal Oon maybe?

He’s given twenty minutes to… get it done?

I should really pay more attention, but someone still hasn’t got me a goddamn cheeseburger.

“I was not watching at the time, because I was asleep.”

What is imparted?

Three men saw three men, two  came out; the original third of the first three, one found one of the others, and camera back with one of them while three of them are coming back with one of the other who’s heading west.

So. A reenactment is .. uh.. enacted… because nobody knows what happened.

The reenactment is just as convoluted as the telling of the tale.

But as the enacting is bring re’d… The ‘mericans return… with The Mexicans!

The Mexicans were accused of growing and selling tumbleweed – but it wasn’t them – it was the Wilsons!

(This is just as convoluted as everything that came before it…)

Will decrees they should all be let go – because he will kill them all later anyways.

I think I just put my hoodie on inside out.  At least it wasn’t back-to-front.  That would just be dumb.

Also, some other plot happened.  Unfortunately, I missed it because the liveblog had a stroke and needed to be resuscitated. Indeed.

Missed the call, but I’m pretty sure everything will become apparent.

It IS the duel.

But it’s interrupted.  As… wait for it…  the Sharif Sherrif, don’t like it.

(Goddamn I have been waiting fifteen hours for that goddamn drink joke. And drink also. Shut up.)

The duel begins… the participants  are back to back, things will be named, and whenever a fruit is mentioned, they will take a step.

That was a stupid way to do it, and so they stand ten feet apart, wait for a coin to be tossed….

It’s tossed…

And then…

They fire!

And Sal got in the way of the bullets!

And he’s dead!

And has given his bar to Doc!  Which he doesn’t actually own!

Oh, the drama!  And the exclaimation marks!

The people on the stage talk about themselves.

“My father was a sheriff, his father was a sheriff, so I became a Texas Ranger.”

Exactly.

Bear asks Tom to be honest… about… something.

(Missed it. Oops.)

That’s it for episode eight (?)!  Come by The Kazimier within the next twenty minutes for Episode nine!

HELP SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s EPISODE NINE!

I know.  Where has the time gone?  To the past, one imagines.

Everyone is very respectful.

The after party is to be at Bear’s new casino.  Bear has a casino now.

She gives him a tour… the wall… the other wall… the other wall… the ceiling and floor… and the bed.

Billie apparently has an improv group.  I must have missed that.

“I only killed half a man, somebody else killed the other half.”

Billie decides the only way to bust her out of jail is to get himself into jail.

However, She tells him to go, live his life, be free.

Josie now works at the CAB.  Obviously.

Also, they’re incognito.  Because of the murder and all.

JOsie joSIE? Josie.  She recognizes them.  But then doesn’t.  For they are masters of disguise.

Oh, no, she did recognize them. And thinks she’s being held hostage.

She isn’t.

Finally, after much debate, she gives them advice.  Mostly judgmental advice, based on Sally being in jail and Stan flitflatting about. Which is a word, and you should shut up.

I’m sorry. I’ve been telling you to shut up a lot, which frankly is very rude indeed.  Especially seeing as you’re reading with your face eyes, and not with your mouth talkings.

Unless you read out loud while you talk with your eyes.  So you can shut up.  But everyone else, I am sorry to you.  Kisses.

Tom takes Catastrophe there.  I’ve been calling her Apostrophe in my head for a while now, so I might as well do that in real words now.

Apostrophe and Tom are cruising the gay scene, and he dispenses his current plan of going from gay to gay across the town, by order of house number.

Tom is very comfortable with his sexuality.

Apostrophe decides she wants them to get involved with the Mayoral election.

Did I mention there’s a Mayoral Election?

There’s a Mayoral Election.  With CAPITAL LETTERS.  Because I can, and you don’t get a say.

Tom wants to elect Will.  Did I say ‘elect’?  I meant ‘erect’.  His penis.  With… uh… his mouth?  I don’t really know where this thoughts is headed.

Come see the show yourself.  Or at the very least, give some money to SAVE MELLO MELLO.

(it wasn’t)

The inspectors of… uh… casinos (?)  are … inspecting… because what the fuck else are they going to do?

He has no licenses.  For neither lights nor strippers, red nor black.

The inspector might be the Sheriff,  I’m honestly beyond remembering calls at this point.  I can remember numbers though.  And also basic sentance structure.  But not how to spell sentence.

Wait. Plot. Yes.

Thing tells Whatsit that he’ll bribe him if he gets his licenses, and will tell someone he saw something for some reason.

I really should pay more attention.  Somebody bake me a cake.

The Sheriff decides Bear has nothing to bribe her him with, and thusly, does not accept his absolutely uninteresting bribe.

It’s Grey’s father, who seems as disappointed in him as he is in his son Cecil.

I’m kinda tired and slow.  Do not expect sense to be presents for much longer.
There shall be no gifts for you.  No.

Also: Yes.  He’s definitely disappointed in him.

“You do some improv, and when you suck, Dana will yell at you.”

He wants to be a Mexican.  They put his face in the fire, then in water.

What is he missing to be a Mexican?  Other than a mustache…

It’s something in their eyes…

It’s…

Fire.  Passion.  Deep in the soul of every Mexican.

Also, it can be learned.

The Mexicans decree that is Dinglebingly does go do talk to the Sherrifff of talking to with and tell him of how MExicans are good, then then he too will be Mexicaned.

There’s a debate because Doc is also in the running.  Did I mention Doc was in the running?  He’s in the running.

You know what I haven’t had in probably fifteen years?  A fucking grapefruit.  Why haven’t I had a grapefruit in so long, and why did I think of that just now?

The Mayor is against legalizing tumbleweed.  Because it is bad.

Doc wants timblewood to be legal through specialized outlets.  Tumbleweed. Hush.

And tacos.  He’ll be handing out tacos.

However, the Mayor believes in rights for everyone, as long as they deserve them.

A woman asks a question: can women vote?

Another woman asks another question: can a woman ask a question about who can vote.

We get lost in that circle for a little while…

The Mayor points out that by the current system, Doc has all the land, so he gets all the votes.  Perhaps the voting system should change.

Also, dogs can vote.

It’s up to The Mayor to find enough dogs to make more votes than Doc has in of with land.

I honestly have no idea what is happening right now.

To raise money.

For.

Something.

Important?

Hold on, we’ve got a sad Mexican!  He’s not dancing… is he the square?

He has no dance partner – so he goes into the middle of the dance and calls the dance in Mexican, while the other guy speaks English.

Wait. No.  They’re doing it backwards.  ‘Merican speaks Mexican,  ‘Exican speaks American…

Except… she isn’t there!

He refuses.

They try to convince him otherwise.   More specifically, Apostrophe tries to convince Will to tell Katie that he was involved with Tom.

Will doesn’t know what to do…

He loves his wife… but he had this time with Tom…

He calls for Katie.

She comes in to see what he’s a’wanting.

And confesses that he hasn’t been honest… that in prison he had a relationship with Tom.  That Tom still feels for him, and wants him to run for mayor.

He wants her to know he wouldn’t do it unless she was by his side.  If she wants him to leave, he will.  But if she can find it in her heart to stand by him through this, he promises she will be the only one for him.  He’s made mistakes, and needed to tell her the truth.

With a final ‘I love you’, he takes his leave of her.

And with that, Episode Ten (Eleven? Nine?) is over.  And Episode Ten (eleven?) begins in just 20 minutes.

If you’re awake and want something to make your Sunday fantastic, get the fuck down here.

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

I. Like. Full. Stops.

EPISODE TEN, BITCHES!

They get a special order to make a cake for the celebrations, and must visit each of the townfolk one by one for a reason.

Indeed.

She leaves the future fairly squiftly.  and also swiftly.

The Mexicans do not think he is Mexican yet. They drown and beat him. And then celebrate the beating with tequila.

Tinglytwong did not enjoy being beaten and drowned.

They berate him with song, and do bellyshots.  Off his belly.

This is why we have to build a fucking wall. Seriously.

They speak of their relative man problems.

I don’t think any solutions were offered.

She’s in Edinburgh in 1218.  For a medieval fete.

She goes to get turnips from the turnip mine.  But watch out for THE TURNIP BEAST!

She wa the former winner, and is so in charge of the following years pageant.

Cracker is in charge of the duck pageant.  but he gets to have sex with the winner.  Of the human pageant, one hopes.

Gunter (mysterious German) abd greay (former funeral director) struggle to get the ‘bakery’ ready…

Oops.

Once again, I passed the fuck out, because frankly, one should not attempt to stay up for 33.5 hours after a week of awful, nightmare-ridden pseudosleep.

Whathefuck episode are we up to?

Twelve?

Whatever. Call it Twelve.

Bear is now a preacher.
Josie is out to win herself her pick of the men.
Sheriff Rusty had a prison made of pasta, and a prisoner who was not made of pasta.  Then lost the prisoner.
Tom lost the man he loved.
Doc‘s years of plotting were wasted.  He’s decided to form a league of evil
Greay (delete vowel as applicable) and Gunter are bakers working out of a former mortuary.  Still. Also; German.
Cecil is still also German. He also got to help kill someone, and wants to tell his father how evil he’s become.
Will Stanton has finally crawled through the enigma of his sexuality, and misses his wife. Or at the very least, misses banging his wife.
Katie Stanton is heartbroken.  And rightly so.
Dingleweed is unsure as to whether to try to be liked or not – so he’s going to make everyone hate him.  Right.
The Mexicans are from Mexico. And they Cans. They all need/want to get laid.  They also miss… revenge.
Sally has been having adventures in space and time.  However, now she’s decided it’s *time* to go home.
Whipper Billie and Cracker Jack still want revenge for Will killing their father.
Spazpostrephe is pining after Tom, who still loves the cock.
Americana, Queen of The Fruit Palace (and everything?) is back from hunting for water, and The Fruit Palace is back open.
Mayor Arch Stanton is still Mayor.  Guess he won the election.  Also, he welcomes Mexicans now.

So, here we go…

“You’re meant to say ‘have a body!’ ‘have a coffin!’ not ‘have a profiterole’!”

Cecil is not impressed.  He’s gone to extreme lengths to be evil to prove himself to his grand/father, and they aren’t evil any more

“I’m 89 years old! Your father is 83 years old! You have to keep up the family business!”

If he doesn’t carry on the family business (which has been around for two episodes, you’ll recall) then the curse will be… activated.

Mexicans are built for manual labor.  Seriously.  Did you not see Attack Of The Clones?  Mexico is just like that.

Of course, the only problem with hiring Mexicans is that, as in this situation, if you get them to build you a brick room, you’ll most likely find all of your on the inside when the building is complete.

Stupid Mexicans.

Cracker loved her – and she vanished.

He gives her an ultimatum: either get out of his life for good… or become his wife.

She realizes that she loves him.

So… they’ve got a wedding to plan!

Luckily; they hadn’t built a roof, and their fourth brother has climbed up the outside to rescue them.

Unfortunately, Third Mexican Brother left boobytraps all over, but can’t remember where.  He should check a lady’s chest.

New Mexican Brother gets through all the traps, and opens the door.

Everyone is free.  Yay!

However, they still all have herpes.

On the other hand, they’re taking the Sherriffffff hostage because she ruined New Brother’s eighteenth birthday party.

Stan listens to bear, who convinces him that in order to do the lords work, he has to break out of prison

Yes.  Doc has formed his Evil League Of Evil, who concoct a scheme…

A scheme… of German… nursery rhymes.

She lays out four chairs and tells him to pick one – he only wants to sit next to her… and so removes two of the chairs.

She asks him what he wants.  He just wants things as they were before.

Will promises that Tom is no longer and issue.

Katie made her vows, and still believes in ‘for better or for worse’.

He goes with ‘better’ over ‘worse’.

The fruit has, obviously, gone bad, seeing as Americana has been gone for so long.  (what, a lot, of commas.)

In a Jazz funk rap, we are recounted both of their stories thusfar.

What we discover is that both of them have lost everyone they care for.

Also; she wants to win the pageant, and he happens to be the head judge…

Turns out they don’t have a particularly good prize.

They Mayor has a solution: create a position for that person of Assistant Mayor.

Which they do. And it does.

Tom very much enjoys the fudge tunnel.

The MExican escape continues.  Mexican escape, not ME-xican escape.  I don’t get to escape for 12 more hours…

Rusty offers them Bear’s casino, with all the licenses, so they can make money and expand their El Rancho.

Citizenship is also put on the table; full, legal, citizenship.

As they crazily make love crazily, she mentions hearing that the Jag-Off is back on.  Previously it was a Jag-On that was off, but now, it’s Off and so on.

She didn’t want him to do it in the past, but now she wants to do whatever makes him happy.

And then she faints from not knowing what to do.

Upon waking she decides it is best for him not to get sick, and/or feel like less of a man than what he done do be is.

She volunteers to do the Jag-Off in his place….

Come by The Kazimier within the next 20-some minutes for CHILDREN’S HOUR!  Children get in FREE! Because it will shut them the hell up for an hour!

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

Welcome to the startation of

EPISODE THIRTEEN TWELVE!

I’m totally paying attention.

Dimbleydoo remembered that he is in charge of security for the pageant, and will use his position to drop a totem pole on… everyone?

Uh…

Tom goes to see Rusty to see if they can find themselves a friendship or relationship or something.

Rusty asks him if he’s been away fucking all the men – but he promises he’s been doing medication and become abstinent in the process – and definitely not putting his penis in all the things.

He apologizes to Rusty, and advises that he too takes up abstinence, and whenever he “starts feeling fizzy, say ‘nah’, I’m busy.”

The cast should listen to them.  All their constant masturbating backstage is highly distracting…

“I killed people, burnt people to death, then I made a pastry, and now I’m a children’s TV presenter!”

Cecil is also too big for swings, because he is a freakishly, freakish, 6’5″ freakling giant freak.

Also, we learn that Gray changes accents on a whim, and also throws up in his mouth when he’s disappointed.

… and then leave…

… and then come back again…

We learn that the legalization of tumbleweed didn’t pass, so they’re using it for rope, bedding and soup.

Will gives him some advice:  if Cracker is ever imprisoned, he should think twice before forming a loving relationship with his cell mate or captor.

The Mayor advises him to not let his wife catch rabies, and then be shot by his brother.

“If you’ve been drinking, be sure to ride your horse backwards.”

After thinking about all the advice they’ve received, Cracker is terrified that she’ll die, or he’ll have a manlationship.

“This is the strangest engagement I’ve ever had, and this is my first!”

Oh no!  Cracker has decided he can’t marry Claptraptity!

Also, they are now a cartel, who are going to take over the tumbleweed business.

Also, they own a casino.

And an accountant.

A sandstorm is approaching… the perfect dramatic entrance for Mexicans…

Did I mention Will is now being referred to as “Dana’s Character.”  Well, if any of the Mexicans see him, they are to kill him.  Apart from New Mexican Brother, who is going to shave him.

Don’t look at me like that, I’ve been paying attention.

Oh, I remember, she was imprisoned in backwards-town.

Jessie decides that she doesn’t need to have American’s Fruit Palace – she has her own Fruit Palace, deep inside herself.

Figuratively, I’m hoping.

If it were literally, the tickets for this show would be much more expensive, and entrance would include a free vomit bucket for when the pineapple, coconut and watermelon come out.

The worst thing is, you can’t help to watch.

Or.. so I’ve heard.

Oh, wait, the womens are making out.   I guess they need one another after all.

If you don’t then you are not in love.  Deal with it.

Katie leaps into the boat, and the boat starts moving off before Dana’s Character has a chance to jump in – she’s gone out to… uh… lake … and is heading towards a waterfall!!!

The Mayor decrees that both Sherrrifff and Dinglebingleyballs are equal sheriffs.  I think.

His plan might well be.. uh.. working?

Except his father is asleep.

Never mind, Cecil has woken him up.

And it’s decided: Cecil will make his way into the world as a TV presenter (remember, this is THE WILD WEST), and on occasional days he will work in the bakery.

Father-man is proud of him.

They run into Billie, who can’t help but recognize New Mexican Brother…

They other Mexicans want to make him tell them all he knows about developments with Dana’s Character – New Mexican Brother asks them to treat him nicely.  Because… Of a reason.

Billie offers to tell them exactly where he is – The Mexicans insist they have no interest in where he is.  Because the DO have an interest, but DON’T want anyone to KNOW they have an interest.

They offer him a ride into town – and despite wanting to finish his yoga, they make him ride with New Mexican Brother.

Dana’s Character is running along the lakeside (riverside? I don’t think lakes have waterfalls.)

He runs up to a bridge, throws some rope over and tells her to tie a noose out of it so he can pull her up.

She wraps it round her neck and he pulls her up…

… but she starts to choke…

… he just wants to keep here there until help arrives…

… but she can’t breath…

… and her arms are too weak to hold herself up…

… ao he puts the rope around her waist…

… and the boat goes over the waterfall…

… But Dana’s character’s Capricorn is acting up, and he’s starting to cough! …

… They think of the good times…

… They’ve only just got back together… this can’t be the end…

SOMEONE’S SEEN THEM!

“Will Stanton’s trying to murder his wife!” says the peoples who saw him!

His wife’s being rescued – but he’s going to get hanged for trying to kill her!!!

“It’s going to be a stiff competition this year, and I can tell from just looking under the table!”

All the womens are introduced.  Katie’s in the lineup – soaked from river water, obviously…

Each of the womens are asked questions about how they deal with their accents, having syphilis, for or against tumbleweed legalization, river pollution,

Doc interrupts the pageant to tell everyone that he saw Dana’s Character try to kill Katie, and he should be hanged…

But there’s a chance for him to not be prosecuted – whoever wins the Jag-Off is immune from prosecution for anything.

…Dana’s Character is on his way…

…The pageant is on hold…

…He bursts in, trying to hold his beloved…

… but everyone holds him back thnking him a wifemurdererererererererer!

Katie is certain that Dana’s Character is a good man – Capsicum Jones wants to go round and teach him a lesson – but Katie doesn’t believe her.

Countdracula Jones convinces Katie with a song.

He tries to protest his innocence, but they torture him…

They twist his nipples…
They wet his willies….
they tug his beard…

A dog comes to his rescue!

Dana’s Character breaks free!  He gets their guns!  He wants REVENGE!

Dumbillbubly regales the story of the pageant mishappening, along with Doc having seen the actual event.

The town is tearing itself apart.

And they kill their extraneous German member – Evil Club now only has two members.

It seems a curse has indeed befallen them; if a son is ever truly happy or truly evil, then the father dies.

This is why he has been changing accents, constantly disappointed, and falling asleep when calls happen so he is unaware as to what is to happen in the following scene.

The curse, however, is now broken.  Cecil can live his life, with whatever emotion he wishes.

Suddenly, Cecil enters…

… but…

… His father has passed.

Cecil shakes him; begging, praying for a breath, a movement, a heartbeat.  But there is none.

And although his father will never hear the words, he utters them;  “Dad… I love you.”

He’s Mex-urrounded!

Despite the Mexicans having doublecrossed him in the past, they try to convince him they can trust him…

Before he can respond, his cough bars his voice from leaving his lips.

The Mexicans offer to nurse him back to health, and all four of them, plus Dana’s Character, jump on a big horse and ride off together.

He’s grown and changed since last they spoke days/weeks/months/years ago, isn’t a racist any longer, and can also accept her choices; whether they be lesbotic, prostitutional or fruit vendor.

Jessie is so proud of him, but something is wrong with the town.  The Mayor doesn’t want to believe his brother tried to kill his (Dana’s Own Character’s) own wife – even if he killed his wife (The Mayor’s, Jessie’s mother).

But none of that matters, because the one things that’s going to save the day?

Jessie getting to watch her father Jag-Off!

That’s it for episode (insert number your own damn self).  Come down to The Kazimier in the next 20-some minutes for

EPISODE NEXT!

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s episode THIRTEEN!

Uniform title formatting is hereby irrelevant. IRRELEVANT I SAY!

Will is bitter; he doesn’t want to be roaming the deserts with Mexicans, he wants to be back with his wife already.

The sing at him, telling him that he should stick with them to win the Jag-Off.

He seems to agree.

This means they’ve put his body in a sousaphone, preserved in chocolate and brine.

The Mayor arrives before the guests, so he can give Cecil advice with public speaking, for he must give the eulogy.

One by one, the guests arrive, to mourn the passing of their baker (and former funeral director).

After the funeral, the family intend to hunt down the killer.  The only clue they have is the letter written by Gray just before he died, which (despite informing of the curse that killed him) is apparently going to reveal the killer…

They shoot the sousaphone off into space, and give him a final heil five.

Calamity Lane – She’s a woman!  Honest!

Cracker sits on a vaginaseat while she sings a song welcoming peoples to the bar.

Who owns the bar right now?  It seems like Cracker and Billie are back in charge, but who the fuck knows?

Guns are switched back and forth, forth and back until…

It’s ZORRO!

ZORRO!

He is fighter of crimes and lover of women.  Yes.

He intends to form a pussy posse to stop the bad guys from doing… uh… bad.

(seemingly unaware that Doc and Binglybox are Evil Club)

Club Evil or Evil Club?

Club Evil sounds like a holiday resort… it’s probably Evil Club.

Anyway, the letter;  it insists that he moves 200 miles away with his family, based on information discussed at a secret meeting, the details of which were not mentioned in writing.

The mayor tears up the letter, and that subplot is done with.

Nothing gets you over almost dying and the one you love being possibly hanged for murder like a massage and a steam.

Katie is losing the power of speech and sentence-making.

The spa minions suggest Clangbangarang Jane should date every man possible.  Also, she shot a dog once.  A dog, that was a legend in this here town.

They intend to… and I quote…. “Sass her up!”

In song.  Because that is her job.

The result?  She seems to want to be a schoolteacher.  Again.

Or at the very least, she’s “going to be me.”

Meaning herself.  Not me.

She should very much not be me.  It’s absolutely awful, I can assure you.

They decide to buy a vibrating couch on layaway – and the shopkeeper offers them a dressmaker, which upsets the womens greatly.

They still want the couch, but his smile is not convincing them of anything.

Which leads on to a song.

“It’s a fucking nice couch.”

They discover that Will has terminal Capricorn, has had a hard life full of murders and prison, and… loves his wife enough for her to be perfect bait.

“If he loves his wife enough to kill her….”

All of them are fans of the idea, and to put it into action… along with Zorro, who arrives just as the scene closes.

“I’m drunk and high, so I better drive now…”

Will raises a gun to the Mexicans as they try to stop him leaving.

“My name is Will because I WILL kill you.”

The Mexicans plead;  the only way any of them can win is if they work together.

Suddenly, they’re all friends again.

“We haven’t had this much fun since we were sharing two wives between three of us!”

They advise him that he spends too much time healing and not enough time hurting.

Together, they’re going to take on Will Stanton and The Mexicans.

Gunter retells the tale from Cecil’s childhood, recounted whilst they were sharing Worthers Originals when the grandson was just two years old.  The same Worther’s Original. As their tongues twisted together, the story was told…

Wilhelm  the Sausage Maker.

He went through the forest to get garlic rabbit and rabid garlic, from a castle owned by Pompenspoonen, a man sight foot wide and two foot tall; The Human Cube.

The Human Cube asked Wilhelm riddles three.

The first stumped Wilhelm… for a moment… and then he answered

So, Pompenspoonen thought of a second riddle: which Wilhelm also solved.

And now, the third riddle, the hardest of them all, that would tax Wilhelm to the height of his skill…

Pompenspoonen knew if Wilhelm lost, he would keep him in his dungeon, for use as a sex doll and … contraceptive.

The third riddle was the toughest of all, Wilhelm racked his brains over and over. Pompenspoonen was so sure he was about to succeed, he was almost ejaculating with glee…

THEN Wilhelm got the answer correct, and Pompenspoonen melted into nothingness.

Wilhelm got his prize, and made the greatest sausages of all time.

Or at least that’s the gist of the story.

Pride kills, and disappointment in your children saves their – and your – lives.

And that’s it for EPISODE WHATEVERNESS.

Come over to The Kazimier within the next 20 minutes for EVEN MORE IMPROVNESSNESS!

AND NOW… a message from our sponsor:

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s episode FOURTEEN!

Unfortunately, they meet in the middle of 16th Street – the narrowest street in town…

GUNFIGHT!

Bear is dead!  Billie’s shot in the dick!

Fourth Mexican Brother reveals herself to be Sally, back from her future’s excellent adventure to save Billie.

It wasn’t enough for Will to kill The Wilson’s father, and shoot Billie in the dick – he shoots him again… in the heart!

Cracker and Sally watch their brother / lover die in their arms as Will and The Mexicans ride off.

“We should bury Billie… we’re gonna need a bigger hole for Bear…”

The Lesbians are entertaining Jessie’s father, The Mayor, in their big empty apartment that contains the single item they’ve bought thusfar:  a vibrating couch.

“I’m proud to be the daughter of only the fourth most racist man in town”
“There are only four men in town right now.”
“And you’re the least racist, so I’m proud – you used to be first.”

When Americana discovers that Jessie’s uncle is a mass murderer, she’s suddenly less into the relationship… and begins to criticize the notion of not holding an intervention…
She chooses this moment to take a little while away from the partnership.  By which I mean ‘runs the fuck away’.

He decides to join them and avenge his friend’s death.

“What do you want translated?”
“Just things in general, but mostly notes from dead people.”

Of course, the note from the dead man was read properly last episode, and Cecil remembers this – he just wants to be able to tell someone he loves them.

A lesbian someone.  Two someones? Who knows.

He writes a letter and gives it to Josie to translate, to then hand to the lesbite/s

She is looking at a mime-thing in her hands and laughing.

I am not sure if the scene has started yet.

It might well be a letter from Will.

It might also be a letter by the Evil Club to use her as bait…

Who know?

s.

Who knows.

?.

JAG-OFF!

High noon, and all the Jag-Off contestants appear in the town square, the Mayor announces… the first round is DUELLING JAG-OFFS!

It’s time for DUO JAG-OFFING!

Solo Jag-Off Freestyle!

DISQUALIFICATION for too much freestyle!

Now it’s just down to Cracker Vs. Will

And just as it’s about to start… KATIE APPEARS!

They’re going to Jag-Off TOGETHER!  He dances all over the town square, and the club also!

Nobody as seen anything like it – it’s the best Jaggering EVER.

He goes back to celebrate with his love when he collapses… gasping for breath…

She begs him to stay alive and grow old with her.

Cracker begs him not to die to he can kill him himself.

He’s still breathing… still whispering… everyone comes to his aid…  But he refuses.

Cracker can’t even kill him;

“No Mick Jagger should die like that!  I’ve Jagged-Off a lot of times, but never that good.”

One by one the townsfolk leave him to die, because their sexytalk is making them uncomfortable.

Now that the townsfolk have gone, suddenly Will has some life in him… and in his pants – was he faking?  I think he was faking!

YAY!

Breaking up with her, after receiving a letter in ImprovGerman…  (remember?)

Calamity (actual name? Maybe) sings her a song about how life can only get better.  Which it can.  Probably.  It’s improv, these things can always get better.

Most of those good times are making Cracker sadder… Sally too…

She suggests they get up and swoosh their clothes like Mexicans – because she really enjoyed pretending to be a Mexican. (Fauxican?  Maybe not..)

Cracker knows how much Sally meant to Billie, and promises that no matter what, she always has family with him at the Saloon

She did.  Read it a few times, in fact.

And didn’t know what the fuck it reads, because it’s very possible that Cecil has been ‘making up’ this so called ‘ImprovGerman’.

Cecil reads it… in SONG!

With BACKING SINGERS!

And…

She…

Says…

SHE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT INTERESTED!

Wait, what?

“Will you marry me!?” he sings

I don’t think he’s been listening to her.

“I guess, fuck it, yes, let’s get married!

I guess persistence works after all…

After they start cooking some beans, obviously.

But the tupperware of beans has been stolen, the biday smashed, dead men hanging from the welcome sign – there is nothing left for them in this town…

And Will, he has nothing in his eyes – just darkness.

And then…

Then…

ZORRO!

ZORRO!!

Zorro is ashamed of his Mexican brethren, and insists they must prove themselves to him, and to their homeland.

ZORRO insists they go from town to town, dancing, bringing happiness and joy to everyone they come into contact with.

And they like the idea… until they don’t.

Zorro does not take refusal lightly, and when a gun is raised at him… he kills Mexican Brother Two Three One (Who the fuck knows)!

Mexican brother Two (?) shoots at Zorro – but guns cannot harm Zorro, for he has a sword!

The bullets fly back and kill Two!

And as Mexican Brother One mourns for his fallen brothers, he’s stabbed in the back!

By Zorro!

He’s had a surgery to take 50 years of skin from him (so… now… he’s 39?  I guess.)

He shows her a dance in which he spins JOsie joSIE Josie, to stop her juices from settling, at which point she (and all women) get bored.

That would explain a lot about the kid of women I meet…

And, off to a date they go.

Like, right now.  No scene change or anything.

He serves her in the traditional Bavarian manner; red wine, shocked oysters, and a story.

The story of the beautiful…

The Beautiful, The Lonely, And The Chaste Gertrude

She was a princess in a forest in Bavaria, hundreds of years ago.

Her father was an evil, evil, evil brewer, who locked her in a tower filled with lager.

She befriended a small squirrel named Sprigget, and taught him multiple forms of combat.

Sprigget was sent into the basement to do battle with her father.

Who was also a magician.

But eventually… Sprigget killed an owl (?)  And made love to it as they fell…

The owl transformed back into Gertrude’s father… who was dead.  And had Squirrel semen inside him.

Sprigget took the key from him and unlocked the door for Gertrude, releasing her!

And Sprigget transformed into a handsome prince, named Sigmund, and lived happily ever after in a castle made of beer.

This story has been brought to you by Beer.

Beer: drink it!

Obviously.

I know you know this, but it’s shocking to her – they used to be like brothers to her (even if she was only *pretending* to be their long lost brother.

She sings of her grief, and plans to take revenge on them.

And that’s it for Episode… (insert number)!

Come by The Kazimier in the next 20-some minutes for THE NEXT EPISODE!

Then you’ll love the liveblog’s sponsor:

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

It’s EPISODE FIFTEEN!

Only one more to go!!

That’s real love right there.

They’re pretty bad sherriffiiffffsss.  Cumblingadong Jane realizes that her leather pants have been making her job better – so that’s an option.

Also, “doing a better job than we’ve done before.”  That’s also on their list.

Plus, congratulating everyone else who’s still alive, to celebrate their life-ed-ness.

Gunther goes out to look for Cub, and while he’s out there, in walks Cub, who longs for fried chicken, but is only fed postage stamps.

Gunther comes back in, having missed Cub, who went back outside, sad that his father died.

Only Cecil seems to notice that the 6 month old child walked in all by himself, without parental supervision.  And is also out parking the car, which probably don’t exist yet…

Gunther goes up to make sure Cub is ok, meanwhile, Cub comes back in and is put in a high chair.

This is all too weird for Americana, who runs out with Cecil.  Josie and Cub follow them, in search of Gunther.

Dongledingle asks if he can see Doc cut people up sometime.

Doc makes him get up on his cutting table, to get real comfortable like.

They both express how the other is the only friend they’ve ever had – and Doc doesn’t like friends…   He asks Dongledingle which is his least favorite part of his body – he answers ‘his left arm’ fairly swiftly.

And so. The cutting begins…

Calamity holds his head close in her arms….

But Cracker starts a’slipping down…

WAY down…

In her journey across the plains, she comes across Stan, with whom she once shared fleeting love.

When she hears that he went to jjail for killin, she realizes he’s a better man than she thought.  A really nice guy.

But sometimes, nice isn’t enough.   And she could never love him like she loved Billie.

And so she leaves for almost certain death.

There are three Gomez brothers, each more identical to The Mexicans than the last.

What’s the main difference between the Gomez and Mexican brothers?

Well, Gomezeseses are secretaries, and plumbers, and possibly incestuous, whilst the Mexican brothers are all dead.

They toast to surviving the massacres and starting to repair the city.

Mayor talks of the future;  automobiles and oil prospectors.  He asks Will and Katie to stay and enjoy it with him – but he thinks there’ll be less trouble if he left and moved south to have children; a boy and a girl, and an armadillo.

Not from Katie’s womb, obviously.

Zorro is twitchy and on-edge, knowing there will most likely be repercussions for his murderous rampage.

Zorro begs for Des’s help;  a horse and 1000 pesos.

Des doesn’t have that kind of cash to hand, so Zorro tells him to steal from The Mayor.

But before the deed can be carried out, SALLY BURSTS IN!

She shoots Des Sposible in the head, and Zorro is shot a myriad times over and over and over again.

REVENGE!

NEW CHARACTER: Ed Hardy (his name’s on the back of his shirt)

Ed is completely hairless, and Tom has only been with incredibly hairy men before.

Innuendo flies left and right.

“I’m 32.”
“Is that in inches or centimetres?”

And so forth…

Minutes later they are undressing in front of the band…  and then… leave it to your imagination.

(They fuck,)

They seem to be having a lovely time – even the sleeping homeless man by the balcony was romantic.

They bitch about Cub being an incredibly stupid 6 month year old child.  Which, frankly, he isn’t, because he talks and drives. Then again, he does eat postage stamps…

They talk of having children together… and about family… and his father dying.

Cecil worries that if he became too happy, he, his grandfather, or perhaps his children might drop dead.

She reassures him that everything will be ok.

And then the scene ends with the sound of love.

He’s a ruined man, lost his brother, his bar, the woman he once loved – everything is gone.

Jane takes pity and sits with him.

Cracker only wants one thing… Will Stanton DEAD.

He thinks he’s got nothing – but she reassures him, he’s got her.

But he’s given up on love.  All he wants is revenge.  That, and for Jane to watch him die.

She offers to help him get revenge.

“I’m a stronger woman that you’ll ever be!”

He accepts her helps.  I think.

There are rules to this game. They are very funny.  But frankly, you haven’t come to watch the show, so you don’t deserve to hear them.

She walks over to him and sings at him, trying to cheer him out of his misery. With song.

It doesn’t seem to help… until Stan looks into Clamtitties’ eyes… and realizes his intense lust for her!

Whoopadoop!

The first thing he has to say is that everyone is accepted now; there is no more racism, sexism or homophobia, or sexism, or racism.

He introduces The Gomez Brothers, who introduce themselves…. but before their introduction is complete, DOC HAS A GUN ON THE MAYOR!!

Ever since he was swindled out of the election, he’s wanted revenge.

He confesses to lying about Will trying to kill Katie, and blames all the murder on the townsfolk.

DINGLEBERRY TO THE RESCUE!

He shoots Doc!

Then shoots himself!!

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Come on down in the next 20 minutes for

THE. FINAL. EPISODE!

SAVE MELLO MELLO!

THE FINAL EPISODE!

At 10:33 it all ends for good.  So prepare to have your socks rocked.

Or, y’know, something.

Unfortunately he isn’t there – but his town council, The Gomez Brothers are!

She could swear they are The Mexicans she knew so well – but they insist they are not.  They are town planners, building railroads from one side of 16th Street to the other side of 16th Street.

Of course, as I’m pretty sure you must have gathered by now, words and photos don’t really capture the beauty and intensity of a song; whether it be a broadway number, rock ballad or rap battle.

So instead.  Here’s a picture I drew of a camel.

You’re welcome.

Back to the song:  It’s established that Rusty mourns for the dead, but will be a better sheriff. Or.. will stop being a sheriff because her nephew killed Doc and himself?  Not sure.  I was too busy drawing that camel for the 6 minute duration of the song.

You have to admit, it is lifelike.

She assumes he’s drunk, because he’s a drunk, and tha’s what drunks do – but when she turns him over she discovers he’s got a very big hole where a bullet is now living.  Not that bullets live, but you know what I mean.  It’s being stored there.

Weeping, she confides in his lifeless body that she loved him.  At least he’s with his father and brother… but she will have revenge for his death.

He is going to teach them how to make a hateaux.  No, wait, a gâteaux.  A hateaux is like a gateaux, but it is shaped like a trilby.

Whilst Gunter is getting the children to give the ingredients over, Josie remembers Cub is in the Cub-board.  He offers up a giant duck head.

And then Gunter rips off an idiot-child’s left arm.  Because he’s an idiot, and they are the best tasting of people.

“Do you ever wonder what the sky would look like with three moons?”

You know, the important things.

Ed asks him about his previous lovers – because that conversation never ends badly.  Tom confesses to being a ‘delightful slut’.  The next question is who is most recent lover was; Tom confesses that there was a man he loved more than anything and anyone anywhere.

Will.  Will Stanton.

Ed starts to sing… or… cry-sing?  Cring?  Siy?  No. Asking him if he could every live up to Stanton.

As much as Tom would like to be able to say Ed is a suitable replacement, he cannot.

He has to go… to Will.

Or does he?  He says their time together has been perfect… perfect to the power of two… to… the power of love….

He asks where Will is, and she tells him he’s at the river to have a think… despite him being mentally scarred by the river since her almost-dying…

When she starts to think… what if he’s not at the river?

Catastrophe bursts into the house, screaming for Will – Katie tells her he’s at the river… but none of them believe him now…

Katie runs out, leaving Catastrophe Jane and The Mayor to wonder where he is… She wants him for the death of her lover.  And now the Mayor comes to think about it, he doesn’t like the way Will refers to shooting his rabid wife as “putting down old yeller”…

The Mayor isn’t covering for Will anymore.  It’s the sheriff’s duty to deal with him.  And deal with him she shall.

The Gomez Brothers and Sally are playing in the erotic fountain, when they run into Clamtitty Lane, who is hiding her eyes – she’s got eyes that make anyone who stare into them fall in love/lust with her instantly.

And Sally does just that…

In retrospect, he has respect for Dingleberry for blowing his brains out…  he might have been a badass in the past, and a peaceful man in the more recent past, but now, he’s just empty.

At his very lowest, suddenly Cecil comes into the bar and helps him upright.

Cecil imparts that being evil isn’t good after all – that there are better things in life.

He tells him of his adventures, the gaining of the pastry shop, the children’s TV career, the losing of a father, the gaining of a wife-to-be.

And, as in all these scenes, Cecil bursts into song, regaling the tale of his family’s curse… leading up to the point:

Stanley doesn’t have to be a bad man!  And there are backing singers!

She informs him that she’s getting married soon, to which he is very excited!

He congratulates her on moving on from ‘the clit’, because ‘the cock’ is much better, and she agrees.

With the impending wedding,  she’s thinking of moving on from The Fruit Palace, and wants to pass it along to someone.

Someone strong, smart, and understand fruit – basically, he’s the only candidate.

And how does she test his knowledge of Fruitistry?  Why with a Jazzy hiphop rappitty battle.

He passed test one with flying colors

Test two was not so easy

Nor was test three!

Despite failing two of the three tests, she gives him the business anyway!

“We’ve got to practice making a baby, because apparently they don’t come straight away… but you do!”

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.

Neither of them are expecting anyone after all, they’re about to go to bed…

Katie goes to answer it; Texas Ranger Tom comes in, asking to speak to Will.

He wants to see him one last time before he leaves town.

Katie storms out while the two talk.

“My days of swinging both ways like those saloon doors are over.”

Tom understands, and respects that… but he wants one last dance, to stare into his eyes one last time, and know for certain that it is the end.

Cecil begins his vows…  he begins to feel so very happy.

So very, very proud.

Too proud…

Too happy…

And suddenly, the same tightening in his father’s chest crawls through his.  And within moments… He’s gone.

But Gunter is so very, very proud of the man his grandon became… and feels that same pain too…

And in a moment… he is gone.

But with his death, his sacrifice… the curse is lifted…

And so Cecil… rises from the dead

RISES FROM THE FUCKING DEAD!!!!

33 hours.33minutes.

FUCK. YES.