Stay tuned for more information – in the meantime, if you’re new here, why not explore the hilarity spewn forth from my keyboard-gullet in the many, many previous posts.

Hazzah!

One of my jobs is pitching shows.  Most of them don’t get picked up.  Soon you will understand why.

It’s Thursday.
It’s TheDrCaptain.com.
It’s Pitch Of The cockmangling Week.

This week’s pitch:

Orson Scott Card Games

Outline:

Game show featuring the reanimated corpse of acclaimed writer Orson Scott Card, playing various single-player card games in a dimly lit room.  In complete silence.

Commissioner’s reaction:

“Isn’t Orson Scott Card still alive?”

My retort:

“He is?  Well that decreases the budget substantially – most of the development costs in the budget were going to be spent on r&d on the technology to bring the dead back to life.”

“Do you think that’s a suitable way to spend our money?”

“I think it’s a pretty good way to spend anyone’s money.  Definitely better than the panda I bought with the last development advance you gave me –”

“– You bought a what?”

“A… panda…”

“For what show?”

“Animal Pal-net.”

“The show where you wanted to set up webcams in the cages of a zoo, put them on ChatRoulette and broadcast the reactions of the naked masturbating men?”

“That’s the one.”

“It was set in a zoo Why did you need your own panda?”

“Sometimes a man just needs a panda… And needs nobody to ask questions why he needs a panda.”

Executive Decision:

“We haven’t even got to the part about watching a 60 year old man play cards by himself.”

“It keeps the budget low – even more so now that we don’t have to bring him back to life. Plus the audiences will be massive, first our of curiosity, and then out of astonishment that you actually paid to produce the show!”

“That’s not the point!  How is this entertaining?”

“Is it too high brow for you?  I could pitch you something else.. How about ‘Farts: The Animated Series‘, or ‘Watching Paint Dry 2: Dry Harder‘.”

Next week I pitch Walmart: The High Cost Of Low Prices: The Series, which runs for 24 hours, 7 days a week, consisting of nothing but an ever-increasing number Walmart’s profits for the financial year.

One of my jobs is pitching shows.  Most of them don’t get picked up.  Soon you will understand why.

It’s Thursday.
It’s TheDrCaptain.com.
It’s Pitch Of The duck-fucking Week.

This week’s pitch:

Space Opera

Outline:

A spectacular ten-season epic, meticulously planned, with huge character arcs that will twist and turn with each and every episode, as we chart the plight of the most often used key on the keyboard.

Commissioner’s reaction:

“Wait, I thought we brought you in to talk about the next Babylon 5 or Battlestar Galactica…”

My retort:

“This is better than those.”

“In what way is a ten-season show about a keyboard better than Galactica?”

“Ok, well it’s definitely better than B5.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second…”

“It all starts when the keyboard is bought….”

“Is it literally from the spacebar’s point of view?”

“Oh no, not at all.  The letters and numbers are totally characterised too.”

“And… they talk?”

“No, they just get pressed.  But one key alone has his button pressed more than the others – if you’ll excuse the pun.”

“They’re keys, not buttons.  There is no pun there.”

“Keys are like buttons.”

“Buttons are like buttons.  Keys are on a keyboard – it’s not called a button-board.”

“I sometimes call it a button board…”

Executive Decision:

“Nobody wants to watch 220 hours of silent typing.”

“It won’t just be typing – sometimes there’ll be no typing.  Nobody types all day and night.”

“So.. sometimes we’ll just be watching a keyboard all alone, with nobody typing?”

“There’ll be background noise – the radio might be on sometimes, or maybe a car goes by.  Did I mention it was all in real-time?”

Next week: I pitch Amateur Racist Theatre – an anthology of plays performed by amateur racists.

Last week’s Movie Monday was a clusterfuck, seeing as the artist turned into a fucking demon because I said the video that I wrote and directed had no artistic merit.  Bear in mind this is a music video I had been shooting and re-shooting for OVER A YEAR because her record label seem to hate her face, and every time we had a new draft (we shot 17 differen versions) they didn’t like her looking left, or right, or up, or down, or at the camera.

That said, I haven’t had to deal with a client like that in a long time, so if anything, the experience refuelled my vitriol tank, and I not have more than enough hate to get me through the rest of the summer.

MEANWHILE

One of my favourite clients of the year, The Fades, hired me to create a promo for their new album.  With explosions and monsters and explosions, and all the things that make me happy. So YAY to The Fades.

Next week…

Uh.  No idea.  I’ve been so busy working on awards ceremonies, trailers / promos for things and A SECRET PROJECT that I don’t know what will happen.  But something will probably explode.

Hopefully.

This week in Celebrity news: Pete Burns’s face is a breach of the peace, celebrities squabble on Twitter, and David Hasselhoff honors contract while shitting on reality TV.

Galloway breaks Burns out of jail,
Police glad to be rid of him.

MP George Galloway freed his fellow Celebrity Big Brother Pete Burns from jail, after the former Dead Of Alive front… man (?) was arrested for ‘breach of the peace’.

I don’t really know what ‘breach of the peace’ means, but I imagine it had something to do with having a face like this:

Celebrities feuds rage on Twitter.

Real people use twitter for *actual* news

The last few weeks have seen Courtney Love accuse Dave Grohl of sleeping with her daughter, Judd Apatow verbaly ejaculated all over Howard Stern’s face for pimping his upcoming America’s Got Talent hosting gig, C. Punk (who I’m assured is a human being, and not a deoderant for pre-pubescent assholes) threatened to ‘curb stomp’ Chris Brown (which I can’t disagree with as a sentiment), and Obama and Romney have been bitchslapping one another.

Is this news?  Not in the slightest.  The rest of Twitter doesn’t seem to actually care, and has been at the forefront of breaking news, from everything to last years riots to  today’s attempted ‘gas’ attack in London,which resulted in a half-naked man being arrested.  Which half, I dare not dwell on, but if it’s a gas attack, you can pretty much assume it’s the lower.

David Hasselhoff faked Apprentice departure.

World stunned that reality TV isn’t real.

In a story that the ‘media’ seem to believe is ‘news’ (note the sarcasm.  Noted?  Good.) The Hoff stunned his fellow contestants when he walked off the Apprentice ‘due to family commitments’.  What are those ‘family commitments’, you ask?  Why they’re the fact that his contract for the show was only for a three week shoot, and that he already had other work lined up which he had publicized on his blog months earlier.

But, y’know, everyone was shocked.  That he didn’t stay longer than his contract permitted.  And that he said the lines he had been given, and they all responded according to the lines written for them.

Reality TV is dumb.

And THAT, my friends, is news.

THAT IS THE NEWS.