This has been the busiest week of the year thusfar, with over 35 hours of footage shot from 2 jobs, one of which is already edited blahblahblah. Point is: only one Celebrity News story today.
Stabbing in vicinity of Jessie J.
I have no idea who Jessie J is.
BREAKING NEWS: Some guy was stabbed at a place that Jessie J performed at last night.
I don’t know what Jessie J does, so I’m going to assume she’s a trained seal, who fires golf balls out of her anus to the tune of God Save The Queen, whilst farting Oh Canada and throwing up fishguts in the shape of the Queen’s profile.
Anyone who chooses to prove me wrong is a pederast and a parachute rapist.
That is, a rapist of parachutes, not a vertically descending sexual predator.
Where was I? Oh, someone stabbed, and celebrities I do not care about were in the same building.. maybe.
I’m assuming Lauren Goodger, Joey Essex and Lydia Bright are celebrities, I have never heard of them before, and I’m pretty sure being heard of is one of the conditions for being a celebrity.
The other condition is being paid to turn up at events.
I kid, it’s just the first two.