One of my jobs is pitching shows. Most of them don’t get picked up. Soon you will understand why. It’s Thursday. It’s TheDrCaptain.com. It’s Pitch Of The spider-farting Week.

This week’s pitch:

An Exercise In Sleep Deprivation

Outline:

Ten lucky contestants are forced to go without sleep for as long as humanly possible whilst being put through all manner of horrible, unfair challenges, for a grand prize. Like… a bike. Or a chocolate gazelle. Or something.

Commissioner’s reaction:

“I’m pretty sure this is inhumane, and possibly illegal.”

My retort:

“I think that depends on your definitions of both ‘inhumane’ and ‘illegal’. Personally, my definitions are pretty broad – but then again, my only use for the dictionary is to prop up my couch.”
“Prop it up?”
“On books. Can’t stand the things, but they’re great for raising the levels of furniture, and make fires seem much more educated.”
“Right. Well, can you explain this show a little more?”
“Sure, well, you remember how Big Brother was on every night for the run of it’s season?”
“Was it?”
“Probably, I dunno, I never watched it. Anyway, just like that might have been, every night of the week, we’d have an hour showing the steady decline of the mental well-being of our victims — sorry, contestants.”
“I don’t think that’s really what our audience wants to see… If Big Brother’s proven anything, it’s that people locked in a house together are boring as hell.”
“It won’t just be people trapped in a house; we’d take them out and make them suffer — I mean, we’d see how they react to the outside world. Y’know, how they deal with being forced to take a driving test, or taken to the zoo and shown a monkey.”
“That doesn’t sound safe… Or entertaining. What kind of people do you want as contestants in this show of yours?”
“We’d start with the jocks from high school, then move on to anyone who’s ever been rude to me or looked at me funny. Once we’ve run out of those, we’ll start using Mexicans.”
“Any Mexicans in particular…?”
“Just Mexicans. Those people are hilarious – can’t understand a thing they’re saying.”

Executive Decision:

“Your racism aside, I don’t think this is a good fit for the network.”
“What if the contestants are all on fire.”
“For the full run of the series?”
“Yeah.”
“No. That makes it even worse.”
“What if they’re told to cover themselves in jam and roll around in rats.”
“Still no.”
“What if we tell them the winner is the one who can eat the most of their comptetitors.”
“Get out.”

Next week I pitch Thrush Gordon, a reimagination of Flash Gordon, in which our hero battles the evil Ming, whilst experiencing slight irritation in his vagina.