One of my jobs is pitching shows. Most of them don’t get picked up. Soon you will understand why.
It’s Pitch Of The catshitting Week.
This week’s pitch:
In a world of lawlessness, and also lawfulness, but mostly lawlessness,
one man stands on the line between hero and villain.
That man is…. Detective Pimp. He won’t let any ho’ stand in the way of catching his man,
and will slap any bitch down if they get all up in his face.
“First of all, I can’t help notice that there is absolutely no story here.”
“In what way?”
“Well, it mostly seems to be a man shouting at people, and slapping other people in the face.”
“You just described the plot of both Crank movies. Hey, Jason Statham could be Detective Pimp – I bet he can do a great American accent.”
“No. No he can’t.”
“Sure, there’s not much to the plot – but there’s some classic dialogue in there…”
“Are you referring to the section where Detective Pimp shouts ‘Where is he?’, slaps a bitch, shouts ’Where is he?’, then slaps the same bitch again – for a full fifteen minutes?”
“Exactly. That’s old-school Hollywood. Think of it like the end of Chinatown…
But with one man slapping another man.”
“That makes absolutely no sense.
Especially seeing as we don’t see a crime being committed at any point,
so we have no idea who he’s after.”
“Therein lies the mystery…”
“No, it just makes it look like he’s a mentally ill person walking around the streets assaulting people.”
“It’s the question audiences everywhere will be asking: is he mentally ill…. or is he mentally AWESOME.”
“The first one. Almost definitely the first one.”
“There is absolutely no story. Or character development. And it seems really sexist.”
“He goes around, as it says here “slapping bitches”…?”
“Bitches of all sexes and genders – right around episode four he starts slapping transexuals,
just because they’re there.
One episode he spends holding a ladyboy dwarf upside-down in one hand,
while slapping him; fronthand, backhand, fronthand, backhand – for a full hour!”
“Right…. Well unfortunately we’re not looking for anything… this violent… or sexist… or by you right now…. “
Next week: I try to pitch NBC: The Series to CBS. On ice.