One of my jobs is pitching shows. Most of them don’t get picked up. Soon you will understand why.
It’s Pitch Of The horsefucking Week.
This week’s pitch:
The former members of Harvey Danger compete to see who can sit at the top of a slippery flagpole for the longest. While naked.
The winner gets… I dunno… to take the flagpole home.
Or a car.
“So… they’re naked at the top of the flagpole… and the flagpole is lubricated..?”
“Lubricated, and the top also very high off the ground. With no safety equipment.”
“Do you hate Harvey Danger?”
“Quite the opposite. And I’m sure the television-viewing public feel the same way.”
“Do you think the television-viewing public wants to see 40-year-old men being sodomised by flagpoles?”
“It’s an endurance test. Like a marathon. But in the butt.”
“Wait, I remember you now, was the last show you pitched to us… Booty… something…?”
“Booty Shorts. Three dwarves climb into Kim Kardashian’s massive ass, the winner is the midget who survives the longest.
We didn’t get a series commission after the pilot – now I think about it, one of them might still be up there…”
“Your obsession with inserting objects –
“– and people –”
“– and people into the anal cavities of celebrities is unnerving. Call us back when you have something that isn’t about butts.”
“I’ve got a gameshow in which contestants try to rescue animals from the folds of flesh belonging to the world’s fattest man…”
”Speak to my secretary, we’ll set up a meeting.”
Next week: I pitch Stephen Fry: The Movie, in which national treasure Stephen Fry plays national treasure Stephen Fry writing a movie about Stephen Fry, a quantity surveyor from Colchester.