One of my jobs is pitching shows. Most of them don’t get picked up. Soon you will understand why.
It’s Pitch Of The cockmangling Week.
This week’s pitch:
Orson Scott Card Games
Game show featuring the reanimated corpse of acclaimed writer Orson Scott Card, playing various single-player card games in a dimly lit room. In complete silence.
“Isn’t Orson Scott Card still alive?”
“He is? Well that decreases the budget substantially – most of the development costs in the budget were going to be spent on r&d on the technology to bring the dead back to life.”
“Do you think that’s a suitable way to spend our money?”
“I think it’s a pretty good way to spend anyone’s money. Definitely better than the panda I bought with the last development advance you gave me –”
“– You bought a what?”
“For what show?”
“The show where you wanted to set up webcams in the cages of a zoo, put them on ChatRoulette and broadcast the reactions of the naked masturbating men?”
“That’s the one.”
“It was set in a zoo Why did you need your own panda?”
“Sometimes a man just needs a panda… And needs nobody to ask questions why he needs a panda.”
“We haven’t even got to the part about watching a 60 year old man play cards by himself.”
“It keeps the budget low – even more so now that we don’t have to bring him back to life. Plus the audiences will be massive, first our of curiosity, and then out of astonishment that you actually paid to produce the show!”
“That’s not the point! How is this entertaining?”
“Is it too high brow for you? I could pitch you something else.. How about ‘Farts: The Animated Series‘, or ‘Watching Paint Dry 2: Dry Harder‘.”
Next week I pitch Walmart: The High Cost Of Low Prices: The Series, which runs for 24 hours, 7 days a week, consisting of nothing but an ever-increasing number Walmart’s profits for the financial year.