One of my jobs is pitching shows. Most of them don’t get picked up. Soon you will understand why.
It’s Pitch Of The duck-fucking Week.
This week’s pitch:
A spectacular ten-season epic, meticulously planned, with huge character arcs that will twist and turn with each and every episode, as we chart the plight of the most often used key on the keyboard.
“Wait, I thought we brought you in to talk about the next Babylon 5 or Battlestar Galactica…”
“This is better than those.”
“In what way is a ten-season show about a keyboard better than Galactica?”
“Ok, well it’s definitely better than B5.”
“I don’t doubt that for a second…”
“It all starts when the keyboard is bought….”
“Is it literally from the spacebar’s point of view?”
“Oh no, not at all. The letters and numbers are totally characterised too.”
“And… they talk?”
“No, they just get pressed. But one key alone has his button pressed more than the others – if you’ll excuse the pun.”
“They’re keys, not buttons. There is no pun there.”
“Keys are like buttons.”
“Buttons are like buttons. Keys are on a keyboard – it’s not called a button-board.”
“I sometimes call it a button board…”
“Nobody wants to watch 220 hours of silent typing.”
“It won’t just be typing – sometimes there’ll be no typing. Nobody types all day and night.”
“So.. sometimes we’ll just be watching a keyboard all alone, with nobody typing?”
“There’ll be background noise – the radio might be on sometimes, or maybe a car goes by. Did I mention it was all in real-time?”
Next week: I pitch Amateur Racist Theatre – an anthology of plays performed by amateur racists.