Welcome to part nine of a six-hundred-and-sixty-six-billion part project that lives inside my brain, pulling levers that make me do horrible things to Mickey Mouse figurines. By now you know the score: Our memories of Disney movies are all lies. I am here to spread the truth. So let’s rock this bitch.
It’s time for Make Music Mine, Motherfucker.
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This weeks edition of Celebrity News is being written in between making a quiche and waiting for it to come out the oven, so I shall be brief.
I shall also try to regain some masculinity after the previous sentence by dedicating the column to Georgia Salpa’s boobs.
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Under normal conditions, these columns are monthly and are deconstructing the Disney movies in order of release, done in a very mature, factual, not at all childish manner and are entirely expletive-free. But it’s Christmas, so I’m doing something different as a gift to you all.
The pre-Christmas special is already up, this is (obviously) the Christmas special, and in another three days there’ll be a post-Christmas special, for no reason whatsoever.
So it back, relax, have a bit of turkey and splash it down with egg nog so you don’t choke yourself to death, and enjoy my merciless slaughter of Disney’s hate crime against all of humanity, the 48-minute audiovisual sensory rape that is… A Disney Christmas Gift.
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By now you probably know the score – this is a 10,000 part series of columns that is making me progressively suicidal.
But because it’s almost Christmas, rather than watch ‘Victory Through Air Power’ – which I have on good authority has NOTHING to do with Christmas – I’ve decided to sit down and watch some Disney Christmas shorts and specials from the past, and dish them out as three mini columns;
Pre-Christmas (this one, genius), Christmas (25th December, obviously) and post-Christmas (December 28th).
So, now you have something to read in between the joy and merriment you are no doubt likely to have with your family/in-laws/case worker.
Without further ado, let’s look at Disney’s war crime; the “House Of Mouse” Christmas Special from 1999.
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This is part four of a (never-ending) project that will send me to an early grave.
We all have fond memories from their childhoods of Disney movies. But fond memories are there to be destroyed, and I have taken it upon myself to bring forth that destruction, by rewatching every Disney movie ever, in release order, and ripping them to shreds with my cynical, world-weary adult eyes.
And on that note, faithful reader, join me on a magical adventure about a mentally handicapped mute who believes he can fly, in Disney’s 1941 original motion picture ‘Dumbo’.
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